red christmas (2016)

To get you started in the holiday spirit, here’s a real anus of a movie that won’t get you into any spirit at all, except for maybe the spirit of drinking too much. It certainly won’t cheer you up and it won’t make you horny, it won’t make you laugh and it won’t make you want to spend time with your friends. I doubt it will make your holidays bright or help you forget about the 2020 U.S. Presidential fuckshow of an election but I guess, if we had to say something good – it won’t give you COVID.

Things seem to start off good here, a nice family is preparing for a nice Christmas in Australia. A mom is cooking a ham, the dad is smoking weed, the boy with Down’s Syndrome is screaming Shakespeare, the 15 month pregnant sister is yelling with the unable-to-get-pregnant-sister and someone gets his cock ripped off. I’m guessing this is a typical day down there. Then this random dude shows up at the front door.

He’s covered head to toe in bandages and black cloth and he has a letter he wrote to his mommy. All right. First grievance: how did he write his penmanship so well? He doesn’t even know what a ‘present’ is and he can barely move his fucking fingers. Plus, who fucking named him ‘Cletus’? Also – after 20 years, how does he know who his mommy is? Or where she lives? Or how to even walk since his bandages ‘keep his skin on’? What am I missing?

Cletus

At some point Cletus and his fucking fingers are trying to kill everyone and the boy offers him a hat as a Christmas present and the mom goes off shotgun-style all amid annoying red and green color schemes with muffled sound. I suppose I should mention that there is some humpy butt thrusting thrown in if you’re into that. PUMP PUMP OOH AAH! G’DAY! HERE COMES ME SEED, MATE! SPLURT SPLURT SPLURT. OH FUCK IT’S IN MY EYES!!! CLETUS GET THE GODDAMMED JIZZ TOWEL!! Isn’t that how they have sex in Australia? Maybe it will make you horny after all, I don’t know. If so – Happy Holidays! Flex those buttocks!

Filed under: CRAP

P.S. I wasn’t in the room when this happened but, in the spirit of Christmas, I can imagine this will bring as much holiday cheer as Rudy Giuliani’s farts (look that up)

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