At Film Miasma, this place, we look forward to
bringing you the finest writing about the best movies out there writing on things so you can make the choice if you want to watch them or not. We’ve all sat around on Friday or Saturday night with something in our hand – probably a remote – wondering what to give a look at before it’s bedtime, or time for whatever you like and maybe you just need something to help make a solid pick. Maybe it’s almost time for a nice tug off of that six foot bong you got for Christmas or the kids are finally asleep and you’re ready to gear up for some of the Hibbity Bibbity – but what’s your next step? Well – we’ve got your back when you just might want to pull the trigger on the likes of Hellraiser 6 or horseshit like The Amityville Dollhouse. Because that’s what you should be doing on your weekend, trying to decide whether or not you should watch Hellraiser 6. Or The Amityville Vibrator. Or Day of the Dead 2:Contagium for fuck’s sake. In any case, here’s our first installment in the Hellraiser Collection and – spoiler – it’s no wonderful gift, you know, like a dick in a box.
To open, these two fuckers move back into whatshisface’s childhood home. It’s old and filled with roaches and mice and – shudder – it’s 1987 and there’s only one TELEPHONE — downstairs, in the kitchen. When it rings in the middle of the night, you have to get out of bed, put on your pajamas and go downstairs to answer it. The fucking humanity. Goddamn apes. Oh, and also, Mr Fucker’s lowlife and deadbeat brother Frank had been squatting there, even though, in the opening sequence, he bought THE BOX from some Asian dude and was shown being ripped to shreds (see paragraph 2).
It also turns out that Mrs. Fucker had been having super thrusty, moany, orgasmic, 80’s style Movie Sex (some of you might get that) (flexing male buttocks activate!) (I didn’t coin that phrase but I can’t remember the name of the guy who did) with Frank and she would DO ANYTHING to keep him pounding away at her, up to and including vowing to potentially commit murder on her husband. Further, we learn that the guy who played Frank was not at all at the top of his acting skills and that before they could kill her husband, he disappeared from her life forever, leaving her heart broken in the way that only 1980’s melodrama can properly convey (reference paragraph 1).
As we continue to observe this thing, we find that Coincidence has payed us a visit and – after the husband rips his hand to fucking pieces on a rusty nail while moving a mattress and drips blood ALL OVER THE PLACE – we find that Frank has actually become some sort of decayed piece of rotten flesh living under the floor boards of one of the rooms upstairs. Once
that pile of shit “he” is somehow completely SOAKED with the husband’s blood, he starts coming back to life, as all pieces of decayed and rotting lumps of stinking shit do. Eventually, the two lovers meet up again and, now that he is half the man he used to be, literally, he makes her live up to her promise of DOING ANYTHING for him: she needs to bring him some human sacrifices so he can use their humanness to reinstate himself as a man and they can get back to doing some more earth shaking pounding (see picture 1 above).
So she does and he becomes a man again and, sometime toward the end, the Cenobites show up. At an hour and a half this is about 110 minutes Cenobite free which I thought was pretty lame. It was basically an adultery drama – with a zombie – and not Pinhead and his chums tearing people’s souls apart. I also forgot about that giant, plastic scorpion thing that really didn’t look very scary 25 years later and – I’m sorry – some of the dialogue that comes out of the Cenobites’ mouths is
dumb weird funny?. Like this:
Kirsty Cotton: Who are you??????
Pinhead: Explorers in the further regions of experience.
Pinhead: No tears, please. It’s a waste of good suffering.
That’s probably enough to get you where you need to go, hopefully you’re not crying too much and wasting your suffering. On a side note, I wrote about 25% of these words a number of years ago at a different place and it registered some nice comments. Below are a few I thought were fun – I don’t know if those will link to the original sites or not but there we go:
Oh, how I love this movie! And how I love the sequel. And how I dislike the thirdquel (yes, you can go ahead and quote me on this non-existent word) and how I fucking hate the rest of them. Whenever I think of S&M erotic horror movies, my mind kinda wanders to this one.
Also, THE BOX as you so horribly called it, is actually called The Lament Configuration, thank you very much!
I liked this, mostly because of the campiness of it. C’mon, it ends with (spoilers, I guess) a hobo catching on fire then transforming into a SKELETAL DRAGON for no apparent reason. More Pinhead would have been good, but he made the most of his time onscreen.
Yeah, for a movie about S&M, this was very disappointing.
But you have to admit, as far as movies about dom/sub relationships go, it’s better than Twilight.
There you go! Hopefully you can make the right choice! And no tears!
Filed under: MIASMA COLLECTIONS
5 thoughts on “these movies are really good #theyrenot – the hellraiser collection: hellraiser (1987)”
Ring me moother, this is stuff is beauters, innit? This is some funny, clever stuff folks. One of my favorite reviews in a long time.
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Thank you so much! Hopefully I can wrangle up part 2 soon –
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I don’t know, man. I’ll watch any old shitty horrors from my favorite era but I never got into the Hellraiser movies. I’m sure I saw the first but don’t remember much. And maybe the second. Maybe I should try watching one again…. #HopefullyARemoteInYourHand #HibbityBibbity
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HMMMM – these didn’t show up in my useful wordpress app on my phone or I would have had something useful to look at today… hmmmm
Apps!! #KidsToday ! #Youths !
If’s just my old ass opinion but you probably shouldn’t go down 80s memory lane starting with these hunks of shit.
I sure do appreciate you reading these ( ! )
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Welcome to the WordPress app! It’s all I’ve ever used the entire time for my blog. It’s improved a bit, though – sucked at first! #DamnApps
And I’m loving reading your reviews again! Hard to find anything fun to read anymore since everyone has to be all appropriate & shit. 😝 Give me more #InappropriateContent ( ! )