Here are some of the initial reactions from around the HQ area when this was rented:
Film Miasma: Wow. I didn’t see that coming.
Mrs Film Miasma: And that’s why you don’t honk at people (affectionate term of endearment)!!
Film Miasma: Well that lady was being a complete dick and she can just get out of my fucking way for fuck’s sake.
Mrs Film Miasma: She was, like, 80!
Film Miasma: Well she shouldn’t be sucking so much cock when she’s driving and pay the fuck attention.
Film Miasma: Wow, that was some pretty cool automobile stunt work.
(Later) Film Miasma Father in Law: God damn! He got fat!
And that’s how the local press rolled out the carpet for Maximus’ latest offering, this time as an angry pick-up driver who seems to be fortunate to reside (?) in a United State where traffic laws are loose and homicide investigations looser. Unfortunately for this movie, and I’m sure this reactio won’t happen to anyone else in the world, but the lead actress in this thing has the last name Pistorious so every time she was on the screen all I could do was squeak out “Yes, Me-Lady” in my weakest, feminine, wig-wearing, Colonial British (uhhhh) barrister (??) voice trying to make her case in that trial where “The Blade Runner” murdered his girlfriend in the night and claimed it was an accident.
Presiding Judge (??): You say it was an accident?
Barrister (??): Yes, Me-Lady.
Judge: The defendant shot the lady?
Barrister: Yes, Me-Lady.
Judge: Are you wearing thigh high undergarments under that robe?
Barrister: Yes, Me-Ladt.
Judge: By wearing a gown and wig, a barrister represents the rich history of common law and the supremacy of the law over the proceedings.
Barrister: Yes, Me-Lady
Aside from that nonsense, you probably already know what you’re getting into if you’ve watched this trailer. Honestly, I didn’t think it was too bad and I could probably very easily name off 50 movies that are much worse. How about: Mad Cowgirl, American Maniacs, The Social Network, Rob Zombie’s Halloween 2, Only God Forgives, that Queen album they made without Freddie Mercury – and that’s just a few that came to mind while I went from my laptop to the fridge to get a beer. In the time I’ve been writing about such things, I’ve often been publicly shamed for giving bad movies a pass – but – in my opinion, you’ve got to watch the bad to appreciate anything else. And this place is my opinion.
Insert my head on that. Actually, add a bushy COVID beard and you’re almost there. Well, my nose is more rounded I suppose. But those eyes, man what a likeness. Anyway, if were to ever get back on track, which is probably unlikely, we should talk about this movie. I am going to spoil something about the ending later but, there’s no big twisty mystery here so I won’t be ruining anyone’s good time. It’s not like – Hey!! Crowe didn’t do it!! It was Oscar Pistorius after all!! But something at the end, after all of that, was just – really? *shrugs* ok, nice.
Regarding my father in law’s reaction, I’ve never been the type of guy who gives a fuck what a person weighs – that’s your body. Having too much weight could be unhealthy but you could eat less and exercise, maybe. I’ll like you as long as you’re not a shitbag. I’ve always had a very strong metabolism so I’ve always been kind of slender but that’s just me. For all that, I guess Maximus has grown on us and, ok, but you know what stood out in Ultra 4K? Man he was sweaty. Sweaty brow. Sweaty pits. Sweaty tits. I wonder if he had a sweaty dick? I guess that’s not my fucking business and that’s kind of gross.
So Jor-El is pissed! And Pistorius just honked at the wrong mother fucker! Death, explosions, stabbings, burnings, head bashings and sweaty tits all ensue in the name of unhinged rage! Here comes that spoiler – when it’s all said and done? The local cop is all: “Hey lady, I know you’ve just committed murder and I know it was in self defense, but you’re free to go. Sorry your son had to see all that death. We’ll take it from here. Drive safely! Whistle whistle.”
Oh well – like I said – I’ve seen MUCH WORSE. Dear God, No! Anyone seen that? Sick Girl? Gutterballs? The Neon Demon? Apocalypse and the Beauty Queen? Birdman? *walks slowly backwards out the door*
Filed under: AT LEAST THEY TRIED