charms and dolls – the witches in the woods part 1: the vvitch

Winter is over! Well, maybe not. Spring is here! Oh wait. Not yet! Maybe? I don’t reeeeeeeeaaaallllyyyyyy remember but my grandma (not the Catholic one) (or the Baptist one) (the sperm giver’s mom) used to tell me that this is the time of year when we kind of hope it stays cold and snowy because, back when we lived in the hills, that meant the snakes won’t come out of the the rocks and would just leave our rabbits alone so they could mate and we could eat. I also recall something or so about a village witch that would come out and let us know what the weather was going to be like and what we should prepare for. Obviously, this was not regarding life during the 70s but back when our ancestors had to hunt and kill their own food – and steer clear of those fucking snakes. I’ve always figured that was where The Good and Proper Christian Marketing Team changed it up to Groundhog Day and Easter but what the fuck do I know and I’m way too lazy of a fucker to go digging around and research. Whether I’m on the right track or wrong as usual, it feels like it’s time for some rebirthyness and let’s get back out into the sun and catch up with some of our favorite (or not so favorite) mothers of the earth, break out our Brigid crosses and see what’s up.

OOOOOOOOOOO BABY, I LIKED THIS ONE A LOT! Creepy fucking kids. Kate Dickie. Ample Earth-bosoms and one of the greatest characters in recent memory —> Black Philip! But first off, let’s address those little bastards.

I’ve never been a fan of children – they’ve always freaked me out. With their little bodies and the way that the ones I’ve been around never seem to shut up for five fucking seconds. My friend has two of them and jesus christ they never stop talking and interrupting and being loud and another one that came around here called my dog a bad dog and I wanted her to leave because that’s my dog and she had no fucking right and then there was this one time I had to go to a baby shower and there were all of these women chirping and blabbing and then someone started playing the piano and people were singing and then someone made me hold a baby and – for real – I almost passed out. In this movie, those two kids make a lot of noise and act up like kids do and then there’s this part where they’re rolling around on these beds and screaming and it really gave me the shits. Not the real shits like bad draft beer or super hot chicken wing sauce will these days but more like the fits of unease or something. I mean it in my nicest and most polite possible way but they can just leave me alone. Remember that movie Who Can Kill a Child? Fucking gangs of them running around killing adults. NO THANK YOU, SIR. To me, that’s almost as bad as a bunch of spiders.

Surely anyone looking here has seen this by now, right? A Good and Proper Christian family (presumably not part of The Marketing Team) gets kicked out of their colony so they go to live out in the woods. Shit starts to go bad so, naturally, they blame it on things Pious people blame things on – Lucifer, teenage girls, goats, you know the drill. Not on too much rain in the soil, things getting in your ears from shitty beds or kids eating too many boll weevils, but the forces of evil and maybe that witch running around in the woods, stealing babies. Honestly, after they alluded to the brother being hot for his sister, if I ran into a couple of those things out in the trees I’d be horny too. In one of my first posts out here at Film Miasma I quoted a baby when he said “Suckle, suckle, suckle” (it was in the script!!) on a gratuitous teat but… hmmmm – that witch is hot. “Kissy kissy” said the author.

I really did like how they put this together – alluding to this and alluding to that but it really worked for me in the final pieces. Black Philip! The Book! Removing thy Shifts! Living Deliciously! What a great payoff!

That should do it for part one of this series and I have a couple more in here that I need to do things with like – add periods and The Arrogant Comma. We’ll see how it goes and if the MOTHER FUCKING BLOOMING POLLENS don’t kill me with allergies I’ll try and put them out on Mondays. If nothing else, at least I made a fun poster for my theme:


12 thoughts on “charms and dolls – the witches in the woods part 1: the vvitch

      1. Hi, I don’t know what happened, but the comment you wrote on the Elisa Lam blog post was deleted. I don’t know how, because I didn’t delete it. My response to what you wrote on that post is as follows:

        I know what you mean, when you wrote that you thought something was missing. Furthermore, you’re correct that there was another video. The video was of two guys delivering to the hotel the purchases Elisa made at the bookstore. The police checked the surveillance footage and the two men in the video from the bookstore never returned to the hotel.

        Liked by 2 people

      2. Well…. that’s weird!!! •looks around suspiciously

        In that matter – I really thought there was a third video then. Not the one with the box but one of her walking down a hall also acting strangely.


        Liked by 2 people

  1. Yeah, this one was okay. Don’t remember much other than naked witches at the end. Ah, and Black Philip of course. That was cool. And kids are as scary as spiders?!?!?! lol. I have to think of some good “creepy kid” movies to watch now. Hmm…. #CreepyKids


    1. There’s nothing wrong with naked witches, right?


      As for those kids… well.. if you get a bunch of em all around you and they’re all blabbityblabbityblabbity and all of their arms and legs are going a million miles an hour aren’t they like that??? RIGHT???


      Liked by 1 person

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