I’m not a guy who turns things around really quick – it usually takes me a few weeks to go from movie to here so I’m not really sure when this will post or if this intro will even be relevant any more but Mrs. Film Miasma is out of town so it’s just me and the dogs with nothing much to do but have a few beers and reflect on this thing. Oh, and make myself some dinner. Since I’m bacheloring myself tonight should I just make a big plate of bacon and eat it? Is it gentlemanly to eat a pound of bacon in one sitting? I guess I would need some starch too – so bacon and a can of potatoes? I guess let’s see where the night takes us.
If we go back in time – I liked the first Wrong Turn movie. The Dolphin Killer (Jeremy Sisto), the girl with the elastic eyebrows (Eliza Dushku) and super cute Lindy Booth. It’s also one of the last movies I got to see in the Home Theater where no one else was ever there so it was like your own place. And the girl working the concession made nachos just for you, not some processed shit out of the AMC warehouse shipped from some place like Bentonville, Arkansas where all of the sisterfucking hillbillies live. Those were the days! Speaking of buttfucking hillbillies, according to these movies, they all live in the mountains of Virginia, raping and eating you, so don’t ever go there to get your nachos! I knew what I was getting in to when I rented this and I am no Wrong-Turn-a-maniac or anything but I actually thought this was pretty decent. Granted, it did shit itself for a good minute about halfway through but overall it wasn’t too bad. Double granted, there was little to no buttfucking, raping or eating your thigh raw like all Virginia hillbillies do.
When I was looking up pictures of this movie for this post, there’s a – how would Cinema Parrot Disco put it?? – a “tonne” of these images (above) so maybe that was the money shot the studio put out? I guess that could be the traditional ‘money shot’ you’re probably thinking of, especially considering we’re talking about Virginians – a little blood on the forehead… some on the cheek… the scared shitless look of horror after seeing the spirit unleashed… But, since we’re all about fair play here, here’s another, much more flattering glance at our main girl, without the (potentially but probably not) – — – uhhhhhh – seed….
I guess there still might be a little smudge of seed up there but maybe it’s just mud. There’s a really cool sequence in this, towards the beginning, when a big tree comes rolling down the mountain (it’s hinted at in the trailer). People go flying and rolling around and the effects are all there and someone might get squished. We follow that up with some nice exterior fun involving guys camouflaged as trees and some other creepy fucks walking around wearing deer skulls, speaking a language that’s NOT “I’m a hillbilly squeal I’m gonna fuck you squeal and eat your corpse squeal” refreshing so I really thought this thing was going to be ok. It was only 4 bucks to rent anyways. And then – it’s no big spoiler – they all got captured and had to face some judgement and that whole thing was just kind of weird and, honestly, how would someone as old as me put it? – kind of a real drag.
But then, when all hope seems lost and all of our seed is spent, something really fun happens at the end. When I say that the end credits were the best part of the movie I’m not being some fuckstick IMDB reviewer saying something like: “OMG FFS THIS MOVIE SUCKED MY LIFE OUT AND GAVE ME THE DRIP WORST MOVIE EVER MY LIFE SUX I WAS SO HAPPY WHEN THE CREDITS STARTED MY LIFE IS OVER WANT MY LIFE BACK IT GAVE ME DICK HERPES ON MY LIPS I CREATED THIS ACCOUNT TO RITE THIS U SUCK MOVIE IT BURNS MY PEE PEE BURNS!!!!” while probably adding something they garnered from memes like “IMA PROLLY LOOSE WUZ LIKE IZ “. But, yep, the end credits were unexpected and fun and probably the best part of the movie. I do realize that the demographic of people reading this are not stupid in their brains so don’t rent this for five minutes of fun, I’m just sayin’.
For what it’s worth, I don’t mind sequels or reboots or shit called that – as long as I’m entertained – that last Mission Impossible movie, in my opinion, was the sphincter clinching best of the bunch, I perspectively really liked Paranormal Activity 3, Final Destination 5 and that last Rambo was all kinds of fun, despite how the American League of Newspaper and eZine Reviewers condemned it as “too violent”. What the fuck? Did you think you paid money for / got a screener for The Smurfs? One of my favorite parts of Last Blood was when he tossed that guy’s head out of his truck as he was driving down the highway. Not to mention when he ripped that guy’s heart out of his chest. Go Rambo, Go! I think – wasn’t the tagline even “I’m gonna hurt you real bad.” Come on now.
And that’s it. I didn’t hate this movie despite some shit in the middle I could have lived without. I can think of a lot worse ways to spend my time. Namely: Wrong Turn 3, Wrong Turn 4, Wrong Turn 5, Wrong Turn 6, Rest Stop 2, Joy Ride 2, The Descent 2, Birdman, whatever could come out of the horrible trailer for that new movie with Arnold Schwarzenegger and Jackie Chan, the rest of that stupid HBO series I couldn’t finish with Jude Law in it, War of the Worlds 2 with C Thomas Howell, Citiz –
Filed Under: AT LEAST THEY TRIED