Well Team, I made a mistake the other day. I was looking at the brilliant site Bloferatu (and NO that wasn’t the mistake – that place is killer) and The Overlord (??) there posted about a movie called American Gothic from back in the 80s that I haven’t seen since then. I said something classy like “Shit I need to see that again” and he responded with something to the effect of “Yeah it’s a weird one” but, since I am not trying to be lewd on other’s people’s blogs these days I left out this tidbit: “Man! I once made out during this movie!” to which he would have replied “What the fuck?? That’s none of my fucking business.” Which would have lead to: “Yeah! There used to be this store that would sell us beer and chew when we were sixteen and one time we went to this pool hall and were playing some video game and this girl came up to me and she was all ‘you’re cute’ and I about shit myself because I’ve never been some guy who goes and hits on chicks and I did something like ‘FART’ and then we went out back and made kissing together and she gave me her number and I called her and she even said she’d do something with me so I picked her up and we rented a movie and it was this one and we started watching it and then she started making it with me and that was one of the first times I had ever made IT with some hot chick’s help and not IT with myself and you always remember that shit” but he would have been all [BLOCK] which he probably has by now but by then I had decided to watch American Gothic for old time’s sake and I found this on Prime and was all set go when I noticed it was from 2017 and not 1987 and I was all “FUCK” but my OCD was all “You’re going to watch something called American Gothic” and I said “This looks like real shit” but it responded with “You’re going to watch something called American Gothic” and then it was too late.

I guess it was no real mistake that I watched this stupid thing, because I had to, but now my OCD is tic-ing because I can’t even find a decent regular sized poster for this fucking thing and I’ve really just given up on trying to do the whole landscape thing for this wordpress theme so I just made my own. But this movie just wasn’t too good and I’ll get into those particulars in a minute but I had to get all of that off of my chest. Mainly because I want Blogferatu to know that I don’t have shit for brains and just stupidly picked the wrong thing like a dumbass and, even though I don’t have to explain myself, I had to sit through the entire thing because I had to.

I could make a 10,000 item long list of what the OCD commands but here’s a few before we get going:

It never eats an odd number of donuts
It doesn’t break out some new shirt or socks in – for fuck’s sake – the middle of the week
It doesn’t just stand outside on some sidewalk on one of the fucking cracks
It finishes what It starts

BLAH BLAH BLAH I say it all the time – I see bad movies and stick up for them. I can generally find the good in them and put my arm around them and say “You know, it’s OK. Hey we tried” and maybe we don’t necessarily need to do any kissing together – hopefully they gave it a good try. I guess maybe if we had some shots together and played that game where they lock us in a closet together for three (or seven) minutes we could manage some fondling or something but everything would be ok. Maybe the movie would even lift up it’s foot in good, clean, happiness kissing movie fashion. Maybe. I do hate to report back that I couldn’t really find anything to Make It with here. In my miasmic rating system that goes along with my miasmic writing abilities, I have something called “At Least They Tried” – and I know they tried here – but… maybe we’ll all do a better job next time!

What’s it about? It’s not about some girl helping me make IT in my pants, nope. Some convicts are on a bus and KABLOOEY it gets run off the road and all but two are dead. Shackled at the ankles like the fucking criminals they are, the hobble to a farmhouse in the middle of nowhere where they promptly capture the woman of the house and demand the man unlock the conveniently locked family bolt cutters so they can go free and continue their fucking criminal ways. Or will they? Strangely, they probably won’t because the man and the woman are just bait in a trap and soon they are forced to fight against each other – to the death, mind you – with the winner getting, and I quote “The pussy in the basement!”. That would be the girl, above, who’s locked up like some common Pennsylvanian war criminal, with empty cans of dog food scattered around her living space. I doubt anyone is going to look this one up and give it a go and if you do, you likely won’t make IT in your pants, but…. there is a good idea rolling around in here.

My thing with movies like this? Hey. IMDB: “OHMYYYYYYYYGOD HOW DID THIS GET FINANCED UGH SHIT MY BALLS OW UGH MY BABY CAN MAKE BETTER PROGRAM OH CRAP POOP POOP SHIT”. Well – I can tell you exactly how this got financed and made. Someone had a good idea, rounded up their lunch money and put together a film. I tried to do that. I wrote a lengthy movie treatment and then spent a couple of years working on the screenplay. Eventually I sent it to a couple of people and only one responded and it was something like this: “[NAME OMITTED] that’s really good but, are you going to fund this and direct it yourself? Because, that’s what they call a ‘spec script’ and a studio probably won’t option it. Those directions are what they pay directors and DPs to do.”

While I enjoyed the compliment, I was SO FUCKING BURNED OUT on the screenplay format that I quit and tried a different direction. I bought a hi-res camera and my buddies and I went to various dumpy and isolated parts of the state I live in and we filmed gruesome death scenes with prosthetic legs and gallons of stage blood. The plan was to take all of these scenes and make a movie trailer, stick it on a crowd funding site and see if we could get money to make the thing ourselves. In the end, that just never worked out because of life. I was going to post some of our old footage here but it seems to have been lost. I had it online at one point but now they all have: “video not available” and that Mac I had them on doesn’t work anymore. Here’s my leg I was so proud of:

That thing’s still in the back of may car. It’s always fun when picking up COVID grocery runs at the local store.

I even paid to have some posters made. Here’s the ‘red’ one. I was never in love with that font but we never made our money to pay extra:

I have a bunch of those upstairs that I was going to send to valued money donators but we never got that far. You can have one if you want, it’s full sized and it would look great in your dining room. (I think the credited names are real people who worked on it names and not whoever that is in the template he used – I think – it’s been a while since I looked at them) (although that is my company logo under the word ‘hell’ up there).

My long and overdue point is that, hey, they tried and they did it. It didn’t work out FOR ME like maybe they thought it would but -they did it. I’m going to be fair and file this apologetically in my CRAP drawer because I never want to look at it again. Maybe next time you guys can all duke it out for the county fair pussy. Good luck!

Filed under: CRAP