HMMMMM – how do we approach this thing? Is it good? Uh… Is it bad? Uh… How about this: How do you fuck up a horror movie? I can think of a couple of ways.

One – you date its sister.

A long time ago you, the brother and the sister all worked together as 20 somethings and you’d get off work and go have beers at the bar and everything was good and you’re friends and then life went on and you went to do another job and you were out playing darts one night at the Home bar and ran into the girl and a little later you got kissed on the cheek for nailing that triple 20 and then – woah – smack on the lips for that Double Bull and shots were had and goodbyes were made and thighs were groped and before too long you’re getting laid and that’s all good because – WHEEEEEEEEEE – and then you’re getting emails from the brother who thinks you owe him something for balling with his sister and that really puts you off but hey – SEX! – and then she starts getting really clingy and all “I think I love you” but you were just in a long relationship and don’t need that shit and you’re all “I know I’m not THAT good in the sack” and it goes on a few more weeks and then you see more emails about how your borrowed or stole his shirts and you’re all “I’m twice as tall as you fuckface” and “I don’t wear other people’s clothes you germy fucker” and things get heated and you don’t want to go make It anymore because who wants to get in a fight over some fuck’s missing shirts and the sister gets all cry-y and calls all the time and you have to go to a different Home bar and essentially hide and he’s all “I’m gonna kick your fucking ass [NAME OMITTED] the next time I see you” and you reply with “I’ll slap you all over the place in front of your sister and even your fucking mom if she’s there so lay the fuck off of me [NAME OMITTED] you short piece of shit” and this goes on for weeks and the girl finds you at the new bar and she’s all sad and crying and that black and shitty cloud of depression and worthlessness is seeping through the cracks in the door and you try to say something calming in “You know [name rescinded] I never meant to bother you. Or anyone else for that matter” but that doesn’t help so you think of something profound and say ‘I’m not supposed to be the hero in your story, I mean, I’m not the hero in anyone’s story, I don’t think. I’m not the Captain Kirk, I’m more of the Spock” but that doesn’t help either and, well. That’s how you fuck it up.

Two – you give Rob Zombie a bundle of money and give him “complete and total control” over the thing.

I remember I watched this when it first came out so long ago and I remember liking it so we’ll be fair here because that’s what we do. That and run-on sentences. Aside from remembering that poor Meg Foster really gets dirtied up and uncleaned in this thing and something about some devil popes or something jacking off late in the movie, I figured I was in for some typical Zombie dialogue:

Dirty and smelling of B.O., 70s TV actor cameo role #1: Yo, my diseased brother! What it is, what it is?? Did you see the stinker on that lady back yonder? I don’t care if she is my step daughter, I’d like to rump that roast, motherfucker!
Dirty and smelling of B.O., 70s TV actor cameo role #2: Ain’t it true, my infected maggot?? Ain’t it true??
Role #1: Say, my wretched offspring, I’ve always wondered why you carry around that Axle Grease Gun!
Role #2: My polyp, my polyp! My main polyp! Man – that goes with my dick!
Role #1: Yo dick?? Oh maaaaaaaannnnn that shriveled up piece of dog tootie??
Role #2: Like momma said, you never know when you gonna find something on the side of the road you just gotta fuck!!
Role #1 (runs filthy finger across his rotten teeth) (nods acknowledgement): Aces in the hole, baby.
Role #2: Just like we learned in Sunday School. Aces in the hole.
In unison: ACES IN THE HOLE!! ACES IN THE HOLE!! ACES IN THE HOLE!!

Fortunately, that wasn’t the case here although the acting was definitely not all aces but we’ll revisit that topic soon enough. Some observances: Zombie’s wife is the headliner here, all dolled up in her dreadlocks and her bare ass on display. Awwww – she looks nice and cute in her glasses and her super flared out bell bottoms. How Alt Culture! I see there’s her ass crack again. AAAHHH I see! She works at the local Salem radio station where they play Alt Metal! Cool cool. Oh, Ken Foree again. Hm. I see that all of the exterior shots of the buildings in Salem show nice houses with lots of windows…. yet… I do notice that EVERY SINGLE interior scene is almost black and white with no natural sunlight, even during the day. Is Zombie trying to say something with his use of chiaroscuro? Or is this just something that ends up getting tired and old by the 20th time we see it, kind of like the slow tracking movements down that wallpapered hallway with the thumping heartbeat? Or the guy trying to investigate the myth behind that record album? Or the three irritating sisters? Or Moon-Zombie’s ass? I mean, I’m all for a nice butt but – ok – let’s make a deal about her taking drugs and sleeping it off on the couch. Cool cool. Why is her ass uncovered? Speaking of those sisters…

Even though this movie is super slow, it grew old pretty fast. Yawn, yawn, yawn, rotating camera, old movies on the TV, paintings bleeding from the eyes, Moon’s butt and thighs – I was trying to hang in there and then, as we’re getting towards the end, this really happened:

Guy: May I see (Moon’s character)?
Sister 1: Maybe, are you here to fuck her brain?
Guy: What??
Sister 2: Do you have any kids?
Guy: What???
Sister 3: Are you here to fuck (Moon’s character) in her brain?
Guy: Uh – maybe I should leave.
Sister 2: ARE YOU HERE TO STICK YOUR COCK IN HER HEAD AND FUCK HER IN HER BRAINS???
Guy: …….
Sister 2: ARE YOU HERE TO STICK YOUR JOLLY GOOD OLD COCK IN HER HEAD AND FUCK HER IN HER BRAINS???
Sister 3 commits murder.

Yeah. Reference above under that picture of the bonfire. After that I was pretty much tuned out.

But, of course, I finished the thing. After that unfortunate business we get a good dose of that ‘creative control’ in the form of masturbating, undead clergy with their lengthy undead boners, not wicked neon strobe effects, riding some prancing goats and even some Monty Python inspired – uh – cardboard cartoons – uh – melting and exploding and re-melting? During that non-montage I really did fully expect a giant foot to come out of the top of the screen and smash everything. But it didn’t. I guess that’s too bad because Terry Gilliam might have been proud of the counter culture existentialism of it all. Maybe, I don’t know – no one tells me anything. As we try to be fair here at Film Miasma, I did see one cool thing here. After she’s given birth to that carrot looking thing with the squiggly (legs??) appendages she (ascends??) transcends into whatever but she’s all alabaster now with cool alabaster eyes and that image was kind of neat and we can all rest in peaceful slumber for fuck’s sake. Right?

Three – that’s how you fuck up a horror movie.

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