bloody hell (2020)

Yessssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss. MM HMM. Yeah baby. Fuck yeah, son. This is my kind of movie. I know some folks expect me to fawn over things with boobs galore – granted, that’s deserving praise – and this has none – but this is what I like. Bloody? Yep. Not too serious? Yep. A Finnish dude in the bathroom zipping up his fly like “Fuck yeah I’m looking at you mother fucker”? Yep. A guy in a field dancing around with his own leg? You got it. A couple of kids who just have creepy and disgusting masks all over their bedroom. That’s right. A smokin’ hot Northern European damsel in distress who pronounces all of her “I”s in words with -ion at the end? Smooch smooch slap. I wish I had access to this because there are tons of stills I would make for this post that I just can’t find but really, this is the kind of thing I like. For reference, I would relate this to fun things like: Housebound, Dead Snow 2, The Final Girls, the first times you saw KICK-ASS, The Wolf of Snow Hollow, what was that one Zombie movie I liked? Wyrmwood. There was also an Australian thing called Undead a long time ago but it’s been so long on that one. I also really liked Cold Prey 2 and The Strangers: Prey at Night but those didn’t really have an humor in there. Anyway – this one gets a great big “Thanks team! Can’t wait until we get to hang out again! You were fun!” and then I get punched and limp backwards out of the room whimpering.

This fellow is a at a bank getting ready to (I think) hit on a bank teller. As he goes in to make his smooth moves, the bank is robbed and – for reasons to be explained later – he’s thrown in jail, does hard time then gets on and decides to visit Finland. As what I would expect would happen if I were to visit Finland, he gets gassed in the cab he gets from the airport and wakes up chained to the ceiling in a basement, missing most of his fucking leg. (FM Note: this is one of the many reasons why I no longer leave my smallish radius of things I know) (FM OCD Note: Strike that. I’ve never really gone out of my comfort zone aside for the occasional trip to Mexico) (Because I don’t want someone to cut off my fucking legs) (I did have to work in this evil place called New Jersey for a number of months and, yes, I was scared most of the time and stayed in my hotel room or the hotel bar the entire time I wasn’t at work) (If things weren’t bad enough for a puss like me, outside of the place I worked there were WILD TURKEYS roaming around all of the time and they were fucking HUGE and would easily have bit my fucking hand off) (For real and then I’ll quit – one night I was drinking and eating dinner at the bar making beer-small-talk with some New Jersey shitbag and at the end I was leaving and I said something like ‘Take it easy. Be safe.” and his response was “WHY?” and I’d had enough and I pointed my finger at him and yelled “I’m just trying to be polite you Yankee asshole. What’s wrong with all of you fucking people??” and then the rest of the time I had to go to another bar to eat my shitty food and have my beers). Fuck, where was I? Finland.

I don’t think anyone, these days, would rent something like this without watching the trailer, so, if you do, you can see where this thing goes – and how it could end up. The key to making something like this work (in my opinion anyway) is to make it fun and as original as you can (which is difficult any more). I really liked how, the lead, had himself as a guide to help figure out what he was going to do next. I know that’s not the first time we’ve ever seen something like this in our lives but I thought they made it pretty clever. I also thought the way they built out the family dynamic (and the sets) without shoving shit in my face was fun and well done. I don’t need someone like Leslie Jones to yell at me to move along the plot.

Notice the characters at the dinner table. Two of them are wearing masks. Why? I don’t know – no one ever tells me anything, but I like it. The girl on the right? She doesn’t seem to be as excited as the mom as to what their having for dinner. I can’t make out what it is in that picture but I do know what someone is eating and it’s not a peach cobbler. Is that why she gets locked up in a cage? Maybe! Or maybe they’re keeping her Finnish Rose locked away from the hordes of The Horny French that I write about occasionally, even though I often equate them to being smelly pastry fuckers at a dough convention. Oui Oui! I kneed ze boottocks like ze flour in zis eclair. Oui oui! Monsieur!

I see I’ve gone off topic once again and, for this, I blame the French. But, to this movie, I say thanks and good job and this is one of those movies I wish I could have helped make.

Filed Under: FUCK YEAH, SON!

5 thoughts on “bloody hell (2020)

  1. Pingback: Watched, Read, Reviewed: March 2021 | Cinema Parrot Disco

    1. I loved it! Well, obviously. Do you have a natural fear of the Finnish? I’m not that familiar with them. Do they run rampant and loose where you live?? I don’t even know what I’m saying here.


      *walks slowly out of room


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