charms and dolls – the witches in the woods part 5: witches in the woods

Well, team, here we are – our last entry in this year’s amazing spring theme (I think – there might be one more I can squeeze in here before the sun coms out and bakes us into curly, little pastas) (maybe) (more on that later) (maybe). These have been fun to write and I liked doing this even though I find myself wanting to be completely void of any responsibility or commitment but I planned ahead and scribbled on my whiteboard and somehow managed to complete my project in a timely manner. I don’t know if this has necessarily been enjoyable for anyone else but I’ve had some fun and been creative so that’s good for my brains. “It muthn’t!” the Shitboy from way back in Part 2 reminds me but, again, I’ve had some good times. Kind of like that time when you were, you think, a junior in high school and you and your friend took a public bus to this small town in the Texas panhandle where his cousins lived and you didn’t have anything to do but walk around in your jeans and cowboy boots and your mullet in the fucking heat but that night you borrowed his uncle’s pick-up and two of you went cruising main street like they do in small towns and you met these chicks and went out to the old suspension bridge and you made out with one of them and her name really was Nadine and – in retrospect she was probably some small town meth addict but – hey you got to make out and that never happens to you in real life and you guess that was just all right after all. So – here’s some shots for you and let’s toast and say “Here’s to a fast dollar” and slam our glasses on the bar and see what happened here.

I suppose we should just get this out of the way: this movie is crap. I have always given shit movies a pass and faced the brunt of Shame for it but this one, aside from giving me the idea for my theme —- is crap. The one good thing that I got from this comes from this scene, in the still above, where this one girl is trapped in this truckstop shitter that’s locked from the inside *ahem* and she’s having a breakdown and the girl from the outside can’t open up the door and OMG it’s just SO bad but then the mirror in the shitter breaks and everything’s OK OMG for realz. For those of you following along, there’s absolutely nothing good about that sequence but it did remind me of one of my favorite lines ever in a movie that you won’t find in one of those highly regarded and classic things like Citizen Kane or other such uppity shit but in one of Film Miasma’s Criterion Collections: Zombeavers. In it, this girl is in a truckstop shitter texting someone about something or other – I want to say about some pic on myspace of her BFF making with it with her totes forever boyfriend and then there’s a knock on the door and it scares the beejesus out of her and the line from outside the shot? “Gotta shit.” So: KNOCK KNOCK. “Gotta shit.” Win.

Cut back to this, after that unfortunate business in the crapper, we bear witness to some Millennial crying about killing innocent bears and then something in the script about how building cell towers are killing bear’s sleeping habits and then most of the rest of the movie features a bunch of “youths” sitting around in an old Suburban on the side of the road getting cold. There’s the obligatory 300 yard walk out into the trees to pee by yourself where the spooky trees creak, the “You wrecked the car on purpose I’m gonna kill you” bits and even some alleged “I think that guy date raped that girl and now everything’s all fucked up” business. But… no witches. There are some fake crows and maybe a quart of stage blood thrown around here and there but that’s about it. Oh – and this one character freezes to death pretty quickly, which was odd. What else? A pesky bear trap on the ankle.

I’m not a guy that’s all for low-budget movies made by families and friends and I can usually defend them but here, in my most polite and not bothering anyone voice “I don’t think this one is going to work out” and we’ll probably just need to see other people. Also in retrospect, that’s probably what Nadine said after she ran her hands through my beautiful and stringy, thin hair back on that humid fucking night in Texas but we’d had too many (probably) Coors and my slurpy, teenage kisses and gropes were something of a miracle because I was a real fucking catch –> which actually leads us to the whole meth theory we threw out there way back in paragraph one.

*Holds palm out in a shrugging ‘makes sense’ gesture

With that we’ll close this part of the book up and maybe write an epilogue because I saw something that could fit in here but my OCD had to end with this movie title. I’d also like to thank all of the witches who graced Film Miasma over the last few weeks. I don’t want to make it with the most of you but we had good fun. We witnessed some good hand acting, met Black Philip and introduced ourselves to the Shitboy who I am probably certain will come back here as a recurring character. “No, you muthn’t.” he pleads. To finally fucking close, I’d also like to thank the witch that got me into the spirit so long ago:


2 thoughts on “charms and dolls – the witches in the woods part 5: witches in the woods

    1. Oh yes, dear friend! Samantha has given me the good dreams and fizzies all my life. Nadine, not so much. Notice please that I wrote fizzies and your eyes didn’t trick you into seeing jizzies. That would probably be for another post.



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