I have never made one single, feeble attempt to hide the fact that I have always been a big fan of chicks – especially those ladies I grew up looking at when I wasn’t supposed to be old enough to (fucking U.S. prudes) so I just want to get this out of the way before we get started today: Dalila Di Lazzaro is smoking hot. SMOOCH SMOOCH HUG HUG GROPE [SLAP!] HEY NOW! SMOOCH SMOOCH PILLOW TALK [SLAP!] OW THAT FUCKING HURT HUG HUG BACK AWAY BACK AWAY BACK AWAY RUN AWAY CRYING CRY CRY CRY PINS A PICTURE ON WALL MOPES MOONS (no not that way) CARRIES ON WITH LIF.

So…. the first twenty minutes of this (also known as The Girl in the Yellow Pajamas) are pretty good; the last twenty minutes of this are actually excellent but the middle sixty drag along like an average episode of the old Charlie’s Angels. I was really into this to begin and then it got really boring except for that montage where the cops are showing the burned and mutilated body to the general public (to see if they could recognize her). Luckily for me it really picked back up with that slo-mo scene at the stranger’s house and then, when I finally got what they had been doing the whole time I was like “Hey! Good job! Nice!”.  This starts off with an entertainingly seriously but funny tune about “being a woman and being on the beach and taking lovers and such” – which was nice and charming the first time around but they play it pretty constantly throughout and after the 30th time it got pretty irritating. Milk that fucking copyright license 70s!

I don’t think this is a Giallo in the way that the other Giallos are referred to, since this didn’t have what I have observed as the aspects of the others I have seen but – again – I’m NO AUTHORITY. This is more character driven and moody rather than insane and shockingly violent. What we have here: a faceless, charred body is found in an abandoned car on a beach in Australia. The local cops are called in to investigate and someone tips off an old, retired inspector (yes Ray Milland of all people) who does his old-school investigating on the side while the hippie local guy is just try to get a nice paid holiday out of the case. Subsequently, a second story is unfolding; beautiful Glenda (Lazzaro) is having trouble juggling her three lovers: a married, rich dude with old balls, a German fellow with blue eyes who never gets tired of making love and his BFF – an Italian fellow named Tony. It’s the 70s see, so she sexes them all up because she’s a woman and can do that, in accordance with the title song. And because it was the 70s and people weren’t afraid get their sex on. Do people people still get out and get it on? I’m sure they do, I’m probably just watching the wrong kind of movies. Or is that against SJW Morals? I don’t fucking know anymore.

As we ponder that, Millard’s inspector goes around Sydney trying to figure out just who it is that’s dead: he also runs into into dwarves, people with one leg and tries to determine just why those grains of rice are so crucial. In the meantime, Glenda goes ahead and gets married to Tony, has sex with her other two men, gets knocked up, weighs having an abortion, has the baby, it doesn’t last very long, leaves Tony and —- well, that’s when this really picks up. Did I mention that a major character dies about halfway through this? I don’t think i did, so there you are. This is where I should stop because, if you ever find this to watch, you should, because the end is worth it, especially that shot of them going up that guy’s stairs, and then the scene in his room. Recalling that, they utilize some very strange 70s techno during that part which, really kind of worked for me, even though I would normally hate it.

Aside from the plodding hour long melodrama I had to sit through to the satisfying big finish, I thought this was pretty good. The Big Finish!!

SJW chastens: “Not around here you don’t. No sir. Keep that reference to yourself. That implies the male tendency to reach ejaculation when I don’t think it is appropriate.”
FM: “You know that’s how you were probably made, right?”
SJW: “MM MM. No sir. Not here.” *Waves finger. “MMM MMM MMM.”
FM: “Are you my grandma? I don’t need another gran -“
SJW: “Cancel.”
FM: “Yeah but – no o-“
SJW: “Cancel.”
FM: “It’s just a little sper-“
SJW: “5G.”
FM: “WTF?”
SJW: “Cancel.”

Filed under: GIALLORAMA with a cross filing under: THE BOOBS THAT TIME FORGOT

Has Film Miasma been cancelled? Will we ever find out? Will anyone care? Is Film Miasma working on something like this?