Wow – you probably can’t get away with that quote on that poster these days. Time to cancel Ain’t It Cool News, huh? Sensitive fuckers. More importantly – have you ever seen a movie that you felt like was just made just for you? Not really anyone else but maybe just you and a couple of your friends. There are a few of those out there that I can’t think of (that I haven’t touched base on out here at Film Miasma) – Bloody Bloody Bible Camp, The Halfway House, Feast, Zombeavers, Kung Fu Hustle, Space Station ’76, Housebound and Return of the Living Dead to name some – and this. I would totally Go with this movie. Do people even Go together any more? I don’t fucking know.
Blood Car was fantastic! “Wire-tapping Russians??!? What year do you live in??!! You suck. That doesn’t make any god dammed sense, you mother fucker!” That’s a quote from this beauty and something I need to work into my daily routine. “[NAME BLOCKED]! Make sure that door is locked when you leave!” Me: “Why? Because of the Russians? What is this, 1963? You suck!” I might throw in a “cocksucker” in there somewhere because I watch Deadwood a lot but you probably can’t say that any more either. Fucking cocksuckers. You know what the people who ban things like the word cocksucker should never do? Watch Blood Car. They’d really get their feelings hurt.
To me – this movie is absolutely hilarious and filled with fucking crack-up dialogue all the way around. It’s also filled with blood and boobs and gratuitous sex and, really, writing that I wish I would have been involved with. If we wanted to address the acting, it is what it is coming from the two leads Mike Brune and Anna Chlumsky (of all people) but I thought the lady who played Denise (Katie Rowlett) really stole the show – well – her and a guy credited as Mr. Malt who fucked me up as the car jacker who busts out some paper to do some math because “Just because he’s from the hood, mother fucker, that don’t mean he can’t do math, you mother fucker!!”
So gas is $32.00 a gallon and no one drives any longer since no one can afford it but, according to the opening monologue, people still have sex in cars but they do it in junk yards – and yes they do. Our main man Archie is a mild mannered, Vegan Kindergarten teacher who wears shirts with slogans like “Meat is Murder” and “Dolphins are Dandy” and spends his days reading to little children and his nights developing an engine that can run on wheatgrass, which he buys from Chlumsky’s “Veg Table” stand. Chlumsky’s Lorraine is all about Archie and spends her time drawing pictures of her giving him an explicit BJ but he’s more into the chick who runs the Meat Stick booth next door. One night he drinks a fifth of a very nicely labeled vodka, cuts his hand, drips some blood in the motor and it fires right up! Score! The next day he drives his souped up Honda (I think) to get some more wheat juice and Denise promises him some oral satisfaction (think –> BLOW JOB) (can you even say that any more?) if he gives her a ride. Well, he does and she rides the rod like a princess but the car runs out of gas before the job is finished so she stops and tells him there’s more where that came from if he takes her to the drive in the next night.
Of course he’s got to find some more fuel so he builds a kind of fan in his trunk to cut up things and produce blood for the engine and then goes around killing local small animals with his BB gun. Well the animals fail to fire the engine up but luckily poor, Old Mrs. Butterfield upstairs just died so he throws her over the balcony, stuffs her in his trunk and away he goes again. Sure enough he gets what’s promised there at the drive in, and again in the Mexican Food joint and then up his own, uh, asshole and he even gets a little pee on him, but now he’s obsessed and has to keep producing more fuel.
That fuel comes in the form of the car jacker, a gas station attendant, a disabled veteran, a hitch hiker and three or four government agents (who are tracking him and his invention). Eventually we get to the end and I can’t finish this up without mentioning the crack-me-up closing montage where the government does what the government does best.
This is almost a must-see-again just for that and the scene with Mr. Malt. So, this is very low budget was totally awesome and I loved it, but there were a couple of things that I noticed were mistakes (like that bullet hole coming and going) but that shouldn’t take away from the fuckingness here. I love things that don’t take themselves too seriously and this one sure didn’t and I can’t wait to see it again sometime. One thing to note is this was made before everything was HD so the transfer I watched on my big screen TV wasn’t super wonderful 100% of the time and, if you’re really looking because you feel in love with her on VEEP or My Girl 2, there might have been a shot of Chlumsky’s – uh – chest – but things got blurry there in the shower.
Again – this place is a public service and here to let you know that I loved it BUT this
might not probably isn’t won’t be for anyone else everyone except Chlumsky lovers unless you still have that water bong up in the closet calling your name. And maybe some cheap beer. Or some of that whiskey your grandpa used to drink that costs 5 dollars a fifth and is bound to give you the worst hangover you’ve ever had. Worse more than when you used to hang out in that (maybe) 1000 sq ft bar with no windows where everyone chain smoked and you and your friends did karaoke all night long like you were the fucking – I don’t know – Bee Gees or Molly Hatchet or something and closed that thing down and went to an afterparty and stayed up all goddammed night and felt so bad the next day Champagne brunch had to happen and then you’d had 14 glasses and had to go play softball in the 110 degree heat and you thought it would be like high school so you did some chew while playing first base and tried to catch a line drive heading out to right field but shit your self out there instead. Remember that? That happened to everyone, right? RIGHT?
Filed under: FUCK YEAH, SON.