Oh man. A few weeks ago (several by the time this posts) I had to go back to work full time and bought this portable device so I could watch some sort of movie on my lunch hour so I didn’t eat a sandwich and get slimy finger spludges on the pages of my book. I am very possessive of my books and would rather not loan them out to you, whether I love you or not. I will not accept it returned to me with any sort of spine altering, page bending or some sort of callous, offending goddamn water stain or, worst of all, your fucking dirty fingerprints all over it. These rules apply to MYSELF as well so don’t really even ask unless you want me to be upset for an extended period of time. Please. Where was I?

My first movie on this thing was something so unremarkable I don’t remember it. Oh wait – NO – I liked it but no one else probably would. It’s called The Vast of Night and maybe I’ll try and put some words together on it the next time I have some beer. Then came this. I do like Guy Pearce, in general, and – through my shitty eyes – the poster looked all grindhouse-y and 70s tough-guy fun so I fired it up one day over a lobster roll and –

it’s actually quite rare that I find a movie that I really hate after 20 minutes or so. I wanted to quit it but I can’t do that because of my brains and I can’t. I even tweeted to some friends about how much i disliked it and someone said “That’s got a low rating on IMDB you FUCKING SUCKER!!! HAHAHAH EAT SHIT!!!!!” and I thought that even a 2.0 was probably pretty gracious and then someone else replied with “a 2.0?? Sounds like my kind of thing BUT YOU CAN REALLY GO EAT SHIT AND FUCK SOME MORE DONKEYS YOU UNBELIEVABLE DONKEY FUCKING CHOAD!” Those may or may not be actual quotes but you might get the point and this thing really started off poorly. And somehow it just kept getting worse and worse and it was really surprising just how actually sucky this thing was.

Film Miasma Public Question: El Diablo? Should I talk about Horse Cave now, or wait until later?

Hearing no answer, I’ll put that off until the end so the bored reader can give it a good skip if you want to.

Pearce shows up as a Texas Ranger with the worst shooting hand since Gene Wilder in Blazing Saddles. He accidentally kills his partner (I’m guessing somewhere out in Texas {note that for later]) and leaves in shame to take up a U.S. Marshall’s spot in this town called Horse Cave, Kentucky. Or maybe he was the town Sherriff but that banner is on his wall for some reason. I really don’t know and never cared. One day, he’s minding his own business, I assume with his thumb in his anus, when a dreadful and fierce motorcycle gang rolls into town. At the local diner, a biker demands a beer for breakfast but is denied so he gets a coffee pot smashed over his head for being a dick. Fucking shit, here comes some town pillaging and ass bustin’ in the name of evil bike dudes but wait! The waitress at the local diner is also, somehow, seemingly MMA trained and delivers some good, southern Horse Cave Justice. Later, we find out she’s also the local preacher’s daughter, Pearce’s character’s good natured, kissy kissy sweetie and………… owns a stable of horses that may or may not come in handy when you have to chase a guy on a motorcycle and your truck just won’t start.

Someone once told me that if you’re ever in a place called Horse Cave, Ky USA (as oppose to, say, Horse Cave, Glasgow) and you get your ass handed to you by some skinny blond, you call in your head honcho and DUM TA FUCKING DUM!! now we’ll administer some lootin’ and killin’ in the name of Evil Biker Gangs everywhere and THE WORLD WILL KNOW OUR FUCKING NAMES MOTHERFUCKERS!!!! REPEAT MY NAME AS I BURN IN FLAME! I need to have that last part tattooed across my chest someday.

Coffee Pot’s redemption comes in the form of Devon Sawa (who you may remember from Final Destination ONE), the merciless leader of the gang who has two items on his agenda: to get revenge on this fucking town he grew up in his whole life (remember that note from earlier) and to rob the local Indian Casino of all of their overnight riches. I doubt I need to go into much more of this because, it really stunk but YES there’s a horse / motorcycle chase in the future and somehow Sawa’s character knows all about Pearce’s past even though he’s either been in the slammer his whole godaammed, pitiful life or never left the smelly confines of Horse Cave. Maybe it was on the US Marshall / Sherriff ballot. Maybe.

Some points I might note:

The casting of the local residents of Horse Cave in speaking parts was probably a pretty bad idea
The decision to use Practical Effects over CGI is always supported by me 1000% percent but they seemed to really fail here
I think – but I’m probably wrong – they killed off the biker gang’s Tough Bitch during the big Girl Fight in the church but she’s back a few minutes later toting the machine gun…
Pearce gave up guns because he can’t shoot for shit – BUT, when it comes down to it, he’s Guy One Shot One Kill Pearce, even under the threat of loose gun fire
It’s not something I notice ever or even often but even the gun shooting sound effects were shit
Did I mention it? There’s a horse / motorcycle chase through town

WordPress won’t let me upload the only picture I found of Pearce on the horse following the motorbike but I think you get the point. I really did hate this thing from start to finish and I’m giving this a one time only classification:

Filed Under: ARE YOU PROUD OF YOURSELF

In the interest of trying to salvage some sort of resonance of decent brains because I thought the poster looked cool in that Grindhouse way (it doesn’t), I tried to gloss it up a little to make it look better but it also doesn’t but since I wasted my time on it, here it is.

Film Miasma Public Shame Note 1: I might not get to my treatise on Horse Cave, Jefe. Future generations will tell stories of our exploits, make no mistake. We fought the good fight. Forever Vigilant – El Diablo.

Film Miasma Public Shame Note 2: I didn’t actually do any of that art work, it’s an image rendering effect called “Predator” but it still looks shitty.