All right! Here we go! It’s summer where I live and that means the sun is out –> it’s fucking hot, most kids don’t have to get up every morning and go to school and it’s time for swimming, Making It and the obligatory slumber party. Oh but wait, I suppose I should get this shit out of the way.
Film Miasma Disclaimer 1: I’m the type of guy who likes the female body. I love slasher movies. The proper mash up of the two is my favorite sub-genre of the horror – uh – what’s the word – oeuvre(?). I think so. I dig chicks and horror movies. I dig chicks in horror movies. I grew up watching these things and still really love them, for the most part. These write-ups won’t be essays on how showing some skin sucks because, I don’t think it does. and this is my place. So please enjoy if possible and I thank you for being such a welcome, polite and good looking guest.
Film Miasma Disclaimer 2: You know, thinking about this series, I’ve never actually been to a slumber party. I had sleepovers at people’s houses – mainly, I think, to stay up late watching shit like Halloween and Friday the 13th and *AHEM* things like The Slumber Party Massacre *AHEM* but I never went to any of those big fun ones everyone seemed to have. Maybe no one liked me – I wasn’t a jock or cool or anything. Oh well – maybe that’s why I like boobs so much – I was never around any! Maybe…
Film Miasma Disclaimer 3: OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG – at the very bottom of this post is something I’ve wanted to do for EVER. Don’t peek!
YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS. Where do we start? This thing starts off with a ‘teenage girl’ waking to a sweet song (on the radio!) about something or other, changes her clothes and promptly throws away all of her ‘young girl’ things. She’s becoming a lady, you see! Goodbye innocence! Love you, mean it! It’s time to go get high and smoke so me doob! That’s what we did in Venice. Actually, I’ve never gotten high on smoked doobs so what am I talking about. I mean, I sure wasn’t as high as the Sears Tower the other night after [NAME REDACTED] came over. Oh, who am I kidding, I’ve never used his real name out here. What was he before? Scrotey? Lil Pee Pee? I see in my phone he’s now going by Mister Pubes. But I did hang out in Venice. See bottom. Don’t peek!
*OMINOUS CAUTIONARY TALE MUSIC THROBS* With that loss of innocence comes the dangers of adult-hood and the ever present threat of strangers looking to pluck you out of that nest your mother protected you in for so long. DUM DUM DUM CLANG!
While school’s not yet quite out in Southern California, we witness a
nicely horribly staged basketball scrimmage by real basketball players actresses who have never held a basketball in their life along with a nice head coach who may or may not show up later. That’s followed up with an obligatory and soapy all girls shower scene and subsequent locker room dick swing about who’s the best baller out there and, of course, who’s going to the big slumber party later. Will they invite the ostracized new girl from out of town? How about the oddly cast (scripted?) blond telephone repair-woman? There’s just one rule: no boys tonight because there’s no balling allowed among these ballers. Ballers, of course, being used here as people who play basketball not the verb form of Ball I use out here as often as I can when discussing 70s movies. Here’s an example for your studies:
Film Miasma (smells something pungent and sharp): Is that what I think it is?
Mister Pubes: MM HMMM.
Film Miasma: Let’s have a taste.
Film Miasma: Fuck. What time is it?
Mister Pubes: Almost seven.
Film Miasma: That can’t be right.
Mister Pubes: It is, look. (Shows phone display).
Film Miasma: It feels like it’s almost midnight.
Mister Pubes (LOLs): LOL. That’s some strong shit. LOL. Did you invite Cheech and Chong over?
Film Miasma: HAHAHAHAH. HAHAHAHA. HAHAHAH. Chong dong.
Mister Pubes: Chong diggity dong. HAHAHAHA HAHAHAHHA! HAHAH, HAHHA.
Film Miasma: Wanna watch Three’s Company?
Mister Pubes: MM HMMM.
Film Miasma: Maybe Jack will finally ball Janet.
Back to the movie – all of that’s in the first 30 minutes or so and then we get on to the Slumber Party Proper. A deranged killer is on the loose!! Chicks are swapping clothes and smoking grass! Inside! Boys are peeping! The girl next door is looking at a Playgirl of Burt Reynolds! Her own sister claims she shouldn’t beat off to it! Pizza is ordered and ashtrays are dumped out of open windows! Someone is wearing a Nike sneaker before they were NIKE! A cat jumps off of a shelf from a closed closet! Someone has some of those wind-up teeth with feet on them! And then – MURDER!
Is this movie great? Of course not. Is it good fun? It is to me! Are there boobs and chicks in their underwear getting killed while making out? Yep. I mean, come on, it’s just an old slasher movie. A girl eats pizza off of a dead body because she’s hungry anyway. Somehow, the killer comes in through a second story window – somehow – no ladder or scaffolding or pulleys that we know of. I mean – how can you not love it when the killer, who likes to hide in the shadow, hiss and (kind of) weep must have gone ahead and cleaned out the refrigerator, stowed its shelves and contents somewhere and then shoved a dead body in it? #win Classy!
This is the kind of thing that I like and I have – FIVE more to go – WHOOP! But…. now….
I feel like I’ve ALWAYS wanted to make a crime board and now the time has come. I don’t know what will come of all of this but I’ve seen the end result (I think) of this project and this could be the most beautiful thing I’ve ever done. (I might stick something else on there at the end because there’s some blank space and my OCD isn’t positive it’s working like that but we’ll see who triumphs). Presenting – Part 1:
Filed under: MIASMA COLLECTIONS, SLASHERS AND CHICKS