For today, we’ll take a break from our scheduled (Slumber Party) offering and, instead, throw this thing into our rendering pile because:
It’s a holiday in the country where I live and I’ve noticed that no one ever really pokes around out here unless they’re fucking off at work so:
It’s likely no one or very few people will meander over to see this piece and:
I’m really proud of myself for what I’m doing with my Crime Board on the Slumber Party Suite of Beautiful Things for which:
I’m fishing for compliments that will never come or even a mention in the Slumber Party Massacre Hall of Fame where:
Such a thing doesn’t exist and my pleasure and satisfaction will come from the fact that I accomplished what I set out to do and, even in my own head (and world) I did it and I don’t know if anyone else ever has but:
With all of that seeping out of my brain and through my fingers, this particular movie I bring forward this day is a real pile of shit that, if I could rightfully do, aside from being the one and only member of the Hall of Honorees mentioned earlier, I would prevent you from falling into the offal pit like I did, cordon this off with some of that orange danger tape you see around such things keeping children from falling to their deaths and keep you safe and secure, My Lovely Reader but, to be sure:
Just because I tell you I that you are Lovely, this doesn’t mean I’m angling to bang you, this just means I am here to protect you and coddle you and steer you clear of Unpleasant Things so, let us be on the same page in the same Book of Things that:
This movie REALLY SUCKED IT.
FILM MIASMA DISCLAIMER: I have nothing against Canadians. I had a very good blogging friend who was The Great Hoser (not his old blog name) – a family man from Canada who ran a GREAT (now deceased) blog and by which we did fucking really funny things together. The purpose of all of that, my Northern North American Friends is that he told me that it “is always OK to make fun of Canadians” and that “he would be disappointed if I didn’t”, so, don’t hate me, you Great Curling Canucks.
In this Canadian movie, a group of four Canadians take some sort of Canadian mini-van (complete with what I would call a ‘snow hat’ on the back-windshield window wiper) (I assume to prevent snow and ice build-up) (isn’t that what heaters are for?) to some sort of Canadian cottage (I think he calls it a ‘chalet’) where they plan to drink and smoke dope and play cards and do shots and, I think, the guy wants to bone this blond girl – the one in the movie poster. I’ll get to him in a minute.
Once they get to the intended chalet, they talk and talk and talk and talk and fucking talk and talk and talk and fucking talk forever and they nevershuthtefuckup even when they are smoking or drinking Molsons or eating shit and they never stop ever. They talk inside and outside and they talk while playing cards and they talk about nothing and they keep talking and they go explore some bump-in-the-night noise that I couldn’t hear because they wouldn’t shut their fucking mouths and they talk and then, I think, the guy wants to INSERT HIMSELF INSIDE the girl but they won’t shut up so I don’t know if they did or not and there’s some sort of allusion to some sort of murder next door by someone or something and some girl keeps taking off her shirt and jeans which didn’t make any fucking sense but they sure did talk about it and, aside from being an imbecile, that’s what I was trying to get at with this last long and rambling (and stupid) paragraph.
Eventually, they go to town and get picked up on by some other Canadians who, I assume, are just horny Caribou hunters and they go to some party and someone plays a guitar and someone else breaks some beer bottles like it’s some sort of spring ritual and someone pulls some skin off of her wrist and then some Canadians start turning up dead. But – that’s not even the best part – that’s still to come.
Let’s talk about the main guy for a minute. I’m sure he’s real nice and a stand up guy and has great ideas and hopefully he has a great and long career. But – did you ever see the movie American Pie? I’m figuring, unless you’re one of those Gen Z kids, you probably have. Do you remember the character Shitbreak? Remember the way he talked and the way he – uh – maneuvered his role? With his frowny eyebrows and his sentence ending syntax? Imagine him for a LONG TIME, talking non stop, and displaying some tattoos that are really irritating. A long time. Somehow this bad boy is an hour and forty seven minutes long. Or is that 01:47? or 13:47? I don’t know. Is it milliseconds? Or millesecondes? I do know that, at that beer bottle breaking party, they have a neon sign on the wall that reads “Bierre”. Eh?
So, some Canadians are turning up dead – well – I think so. They show some dead girl in the woods and there’s some sort of something about maybe a dead body in a car and then – one of the main characters is dead. We’re pretty sure it’s Shitbreak and then he’s trying to kiss some girl who’s wailing about her dead friend and she doesn’t want to kiss back – maybe he’s got some dead teeth or she’s not horny or he’s the killer or something – so he breaks her neck in the worst ‘break someone’s neck’ sequence I’ve seen since, I don’t know, ever. And – just when you think it can’t get any shittier, there’s some sort of long chase scene through the trees and then someone else is dead and there’s some fight with croquet mallets and then —
In what I guess is the big money scene – there’s this big fight on on a frozen lake. While it is quite possibly the poorest choreographed thing in the history of Canada – it is compounded with a truly and dizzying person scootin’ around on the ice with a snowmobile(?). She looks like she’s uniformed so she might be police (mountie?) and she zooms all around making noise and looking around but never bothers to consider stopping an apparent homicide? Granted – nothing looks like anything’s really happening except for an uncomfortable genitals grab but….. huh? Maybe that’s how things roll up there? I didn’t get that AT ALL and it went on forever.
There’s some other things that really sucked in this movie but this has gone on way too long and we should just end. This thing is like someone’s bad memories of how a movie could be made. Not like you’re sitting there and someone screams “OH FUCK THERE’S A SPIDER ON YOUR HEAD!!!” bad memory but maybe, when you and your friend are trying to think of something you did forty years ago and you think “wasn’t that when whatsherface showed her ass??” “Yeah, yeah I think so and you peed in that bottle and hit it with a baseball bat and got glass of your face. And piss.” “Yeah, yeah that’s right, I think so. God damn that was a long time ago.” “Yeah and what was that one guy’s name? Eddie?” “Yeah, maybe, let’s make a movie out of it.”
This thing was wretched.
FILED UNDER: CRAP (only because it didn’t give me this shits)