Let me just go ahead and reel off a couple of quick things about this thing and then you can stop reading or just tell me I’m stupid or do whatever… In all of the things I’ve watched over the years, I’ve never seen this until the other day. I tried to give it a shot a couple of times but the renderings I had were So CRAPPY – maybe 480P or something – that it was irritating to listen to and irritating to watch so I didn’t bother. I ran across an HD version of this recently and so I would know what I’ve been missing out on my whole life and – while we all have nostalgia for things we saw as a kid and loved – I don’t think my opinion would be any different if I had seen this over the first 49 years of my life before last Tuesday and – I really didn’t like it at all. The mother character and actress grated my fucking nerves, the two imbeciles that were played by or maybe her real sons for all I know were – how do I put this – I hated them – and that early 80s sound – ugh. I guess I did like the three lead actresses, I guess, maybe but I certainly didn’t like much else.

HMMM – I guess it just wasn’t for me. Maybe Queenie will jump out of the bushes like she was shot out of a cannon and try to eat me.

I remember watching the remake back when *looks up* jesus christ – 2010???? it came out and – I think I remember really liking it for the most part. Or liking it enough anyway. *checks cast list* I see there’s Deborah Wall and Briana Evigan – I’ve always liked them. AAAAAAHHHH Rebecca DeMornay – whatever went on with her? I remember Risky Business and thought she was tits. Sorry about that one! What else did I ever see her in? The Hand that Rocks the Cradle. Backdraft! John From Cincinnati god damn – did anyone else try that piece of shit? “Hi everyone that loved Deadwood, here’s John From Cincinnati, go fuck yourself, Love HBO.” Aside from that, nothing in my area really, but I guess we’re not here to talk about her. I suppose my point to all of this was that I saw the new one before I saw this one and – well – I don’t regret it. Just look at these handsome devils:

In that remake, I think it was a home invasion movie and I remember it being pretty violent. This older one starts off at some sort of self help convention where some old woman in a neck brace gives two pitiful people a ride home in her old Studebaker (maybe). Damn that tricky radiator goes out and wouldn’t you know it, some hillbilly fucks in shit clothes and masks show up just in time to behead someone and get to raping. Well, I guess the raping didn’t go as planned but murder did and boy has that momma never been so proud. It’s never really explained why she’s so proud of her sons for doing rape and murder but I guess as long as they stay home in their full of shit and trash house, that somehow has electricity, while protecting her from the mysterious Queenie, that’ll be all right. Such good boys!

After that wholesome retrospective on the lives of native New Jersians (no shit – for real), we’re introduced to three damsels who meet every year to get out of their mundane lives and spend some time doing something away from their: roller skating cocaine parties, deadbeat, cocaine and money stealing boyfriends and their sickly mothers. This time it’s out a lake among the spiders and mosquitos and – while it’s never stated – someone steps barefoot in a big pile of shit. I don’t recall ever seeing any animals like a cow or horse or donkey or even a dog so I guess that’s supposed to be a big pile of some hick’s shit he dumped out on the walkin’ path. I also didn’t see any used toilet paper or leaves so I guess he just hitched up his britches and went on to do some rapin’ which makes me like him (or them) even worse. “Try not to get itchy swamp ass today boys!” teaches the mother, offering them soggy cereal and cat food in an old rain bucket for breakfast. FUCK I hated New Jersey.

So this woman and her two stupid children live in this dump of a house out by a lake and spend their mornings doing training routines to Rocky rip off music and their nights killing people or looking out for Queenie. Despite living in their own filth and (I assume) shitting wherever they want, one of them owns a nice police car and uniform just in case someone tries to make a break for it. Makes sense. Oh! One of them also uses Lysol spray for his hair and armpits. Classy! I wonder if he uses it on them pubes too for when his mama brings home loose women?

I honestly don’t get what they were trying to go for here. I’ve never been a fan of Troma movies and I certainly don’t know the history of them or anything of the sort but this one seems like an early version and tamer than the others I’ve seen (which aren’t many). Their style is just not my type of comedy and stuffing some almost raped to death girl in a dresser drawer isn’t my kind of horror. Neither is stepping in a pile of shit. BUT – you know what – this could be the whole reason why I didn’t like it when I worked in NJ. I didn’t get along with anyone up there (except for a couple of people) and I didn’t like anything about that fucking place. I’m from the Mid-South of the U.S. so yeah – I take my time to do things but I also take my time to do them right the first fucking time. I do my best to not make shit decisions and then, when they don’t work just shrug my shoulders like George Costanza and say “EH!” and go do it again and waste time and money.

So —– I figure that this wasn’t made with me in mind. And I’m not some dick that thinks actually ME – I mean this is a different type of movie for a different type of – I don’t know… ‘taste’? I don’t need yellin’ and screamin’ and wisecrackin’ to make my day. Or poop. I have enough poop in my life. I don’t need to see someone else’s poop. But – thinking about this – I actually can’t think of anything about this that I did like. In that picture up at the top under the movie poster, I did really like the girl in the glasses. Not only was she cute but she had a personality I would go for. I believe the actress’ name is Nancy Henderson and it doesn’t look like she’s been up to much since this thing so I can’t go talking about her other works.

In the end, I thought this sucked shit but I am sure it would think the same about Film Miasma.

FILED UNDER: CRAP.