closets (2010)

I first heard about this motherfucker movie over at my friend Cinema Schminema’s “FIRST FIVE” feature years and years ago… I don’t think she checks or updates that site anymore but it’s worth a try…. It’s so funny because she couldn’t finish it and a couple of months later I was in the grocery store, checking out and saw they had some sort of new DVD bin and the first one I saw was that same 6 pack called YOU’RE GONNA SHOOT YOURSELF DEADLY GAMES with this horseshit movie in it and, of course, I bought it. I don’t know if using the words “I did it, look at me” would be appropriate to say when acknowledging that I finished this greasy shit thing, but I did. And it was horrible from start to finish. I mean that when I say that.  The first five minutes of this are five of the worst minutes I’ve likely ever seen and then, lucky us, so are the last five, so the fucking joke was on me ten years ago and, wouldn’t you know it, it came back to me like those draft beer shits I go on about sometimes.

Recently I was on a two week summer break (I work for a school) and had time to kill so I found this fucking thing on tubi under the name Hunting Evil and thought it might be time for a refresher for the new generation of people who might accidentally see this and think “Oh, that fucker looks like something I might be interested in. I mean, fuck, it’s got Corbin Bernsen in it. Shit! God damn I loved L.A. Law!”

Let’s see here:

1 – I don’t know what’s going on with that poster because that girl and that house have nothing whatsoever to do with anything in this. There is someone who could pass as blond but I don’t think that’s her.

2 – The introductory characters are all in some sort of 2010 green screen world where images surround them that look like something I could draw in a digital moving picture version of Microsoft Paint. I think there’s some kid trapped in a closet, wait then she blows up, what? Then the door shuts.  Some guys are talking on walkie talkies. The kid who is no longer exploded cries mommy and explodes. This is so bad it makes my butt itch.

3 – The makers of this obviously had no money or desire to do a court room scene so there’s some voiceover junk about the trial while some woman drives down the highway poofing her hair. Prosecution: “You are on trial for murder”. Our lead: “A demon did it.” Prosecution: “A demon?” Lead: “A demon.” Judge: “You are going to prison.” Me (nods): “Solid logic. Well done.” Me: “I need to remember that if Blogferatu and I ever have a beer.” Blogferatu: “Where’d all the fucking beer go??” Me: “A demon did it.” Blogferatu (maybe): “Word.”

4 – On the day of his release, our lead, The Man Named!!: Jonas Littleton is finally shown to us and he looks exactly like an old T.J. Hooker. And acts as well too. Why is he in jail? Probably drinking and smoking but I covered that in an older post out here. The synopsis on IMDB is longer than this cocksucking movie.

5 – Since he’s an ex-con, the ONE place he applies for a job mocks him in his interview so he’s sooooooooooooooooo sad and has a drink and some sort of barbiturate and goes to a psychic. There, as always, a ghost demon thing manifests itself and sticks it’s cottage cheese hand inside the psychic, manipulates her voice and strikes a deal with sad old, drunk Jonas for fame and fortune in exchange for something he loves. Then the psychic dies, he gets a call in the middle of the night from HR offering him a job and he goes home. Business as usual! Sounds like my old job at the phone company.

~spoilers~

6 – Seven years later he and his wife and two kid come home from something or fucking other and the ghost demon thing kills his wife or something and steals off with his kid and threatens him about something.

7 – Seven years later Corbin Bernsen (WHY MAN WHY?????) and his wife and kid come home from something to their peeping tom neighbor doing some midnight gardening and the ghost demon thing manifests itself, stands on a roof and steals off with their kid. Or some shit.

8 – Luckily poor, old, drunk fucking Jonas is now running some sort of paranormal ghost demon hunter thing with his three irritating employees and they’re on the case. They’re on the fucking case!!! The thirty minutes of fucking themselves acting that come with their investigation is some of the worst I’ve seen –> from everyone involved. Even Bernsen. WTF? Did he read the script? Someone must have really had him by the balls to do this. Last night on an old Family Feud rerun one of the questions was “Name something you polish.” No one said ‘knob’. Not even Mrs Film Miasma appreciated me on that one. What does that have to with anything? Nothing. Oh! Knob! Polish your knob! HAHAHAHA! I suck.

9 – After eighty (pick your gender specific or non specific allegory) testicle or tit slapping minutes, we finally get the big finale that involves Jonas and his kid whose lips are mysteriously stitched together, unlike the children from earlier on, and his buddy all going back to the green screen world except this time everything is blue and it’s snowing and they’re walking slow to imitate slow motion and they all explode!!! YAY!!!! WHEEEEEE!!! And it was the secretary the whole time! SURPRISE!! YAY!!! I don’t know if this is still a thing but did you ever go goosing people or get goosed? I never did but maybe I did. Sounds like this bad boy.

What does it mean to goose someone? Slang: to poke (a person) between the buttocks to startle.

10 – To top everything else off, the fucking claim is that this is based on a true story.

Maybe that last pic I made isn’t a good representation of The Goose act. HMMMM…. HAHAHAHAH Here you go (Dong Chim!!):

Honestly, this is one of the poorer movies I’ve ever laid my eyes on. Worse even than the Dong Chim kid’s seeking eyes. I couldn’t even recommend this for a drinking game. The other day Mister Pubes came by and suggested we watch a movie for the blog like we used to do in the old days. Further, he recommended we look at this thing called “Karen” about a lady named Karen who basically hates black people in that SJW Karen way. I gave the trailer a look and thought “I’ve got enough problems, man. No way.” Then he smoked some of that medicine weed that’s so popular now and hopefully he forgot about it. I mean, no one smokes weed around here but even if they did, Karen would probably be better than this shit.

FILED UNDER: WORSE THAN THE DRAFT BEER SHITS

4 thoughts on “closets (2010)

  1. Tom

    I just want you to know I spent a couple of seconds clasping my hands together to form the ideal Goosing position. I immediately unclasped them. And then reclasped them. Hmm. I’m in Starbucks right now . . .

    Liked by 1 person

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