the unholy (2021)

Coming hot on the tails of the less than fun or interesting The Seventh Day, Amazon figured I’d like this movie, I guess because I liked the last one so fucking much and Alexa cares about me. I do sometimes ask her why she hates me and she normally says I seem like a nice person so maybe she doesn’t but she didn’t show good recommendation skills here. Now – she does usually get it right when she suggests it’s time for a new bucket of beef jerky or even a couple of new tubes of deodorant to keep my pits dry and unsmelly but she doesn’t always make the right choice when it comes to movies I might like. It was she that hinted I should watch Mother’s Day and, after it was over, I disagreed with her. She also thought I should give that HORRIBLE Canadian thing about the kids in the chalet a go but we also didn’t see eye to eye on that one either. Luckily, recently, Netflix showed up, told her to “get out of the way, kid” and we watched that first Fear Street witch I really liked but we’re not here today in the Acropolis to discuss Maths, Olives and Fear Street while rubbing our stinking, salt water stained loins with grape oils. We’re here about this thing Sam Raimi put his name on and handed the bullhorn over to a guy named Spiliotopoulos.

The guy that sticks food on his chin before he eats if from Everybody Loves Raymond is here to atone for spreading lies and shit about people and ruining their fucking lives, the cocksucking bastard. Sorry, whooops, wrong post. The Comedian from Watchmen is here, languishing as a mopped up, drunken reporter who fucked up some high paying job reporting on shit by spreading lies and ruing people’s lives. Now he can barely get a job working for some internet ‘zine but he takes one anyway and goes to investigate a cow with a mark on it’s butt in some small town in, I think, Pennsylvania. Finding the cow uninteresting and not worth his ‘zine’s paltry money, he finds an old, dead tree and manages to scrape off some loose grass revealing a centuries old doll that has somehow been undisturbed by: children, lawnmowers or weedeaters, cows, rain and flooding, drought, reptiles, Civil War re-enactors, tornadoes, the Dutch, cats or for that matter mice and other rodentia, snakes, wind, dirt, hobos who just want some shade in their trek across barren land or really, even someone’s fucking foot. Whatever the case may be, our man crushed the thing like he owns the town and sets free the demon of a lady who was killed centuries ago – all set to exact her revenge upon everyone else from beyond the grave!

I hope that wasn’t a big spoiler for you. I trust you didn’t watch this trailer and think this was really about the Virgin Mary visiting herself upon us, enacting miracles from beyond the grave, did you? Well, it’s not and I truly am sorry if I ruined things for you. This is about the guy I mentioned earlier, a young girl who may or may not be speaking to the ghost of the Virgin Mary, a local cop and this guy:

Now, I would never lie to you, dear reader. If there’s one thing I pride myself on, besides not pooping in public, is telling the truth. “Don’t bother anyone and don’t tell lies or God will kill you right where you sit,” you might remember my recounts of my teachings my dad gave me. “And never fart in church again or i’ll blister that ass so hard you’ll be standing up for a month.” he added. So, no, this isn’t about Death from Bill and Ted’s – it’s got the guy in here who played the character. It’s just now, old like we all are, instead of slapping the bass as the grim reaper, he’s the old, wise priest who just cares about his congregation and the occasional Lucky Strike. Lucky Strike Means Fine Tobacco, you know. And since I’m fair, I will say that I thought the lead girl did a really good job.

I thought, overall, this thing was pretty sucky – but – I also do think the same for much of what I do here. Some pretty stupid stuff happens there towards the end so, I’m guessing, if you’re going along with what they’re giving you, you might – uh – punt while they’re finishing things up. If you’re not familiar with that term, that’s from American Football. Basically, when you’re on what’s called offense and you’re trying to score a touchdown and either you suck badly or the defense is that good, you have nothing left to do but use your foot and kick the ball to the other team.

I’ve heard the jokes for 50 years and I’ve seen the memes and the twitters shits – yes, people in the rest of the world, you do use your foot in American Football. No you don’t go around using it the entire goddammed time but you use it probably as much as a goal tender uses his hands in one of those soccer matches. Why is it called football when the inflated oblong object is primarily moved by a hand? I don’t know for sure but I would reckon that it probably originated among all of the immigrants who came over to North America kicking round balls and decided to pick it up and throw it around for more fun.

This movie wasn’t a lot of fun, I can tell you that.


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