However many weeks ago, I was minding my own fucking business and reading some blogs – where most people might physically read them – ahem – and I saw a bunch or a few people post about this thing. My first thought was – what the fuck is this and what’s with the shitty font and why are people all writing about it? My second or so thoughts were – why is this called “Fear Street 1994”? Is this some sort of 2020’s catering to the twitter masses, giving us a movie about the ravages and threats young rappers had to endure during the 90s from management? I’m sure Bell Biv Devoe and those guys who left their wallets in El Segundo had it tough, lighting their cigars with 100 dollars bills. Or did this have something to do along the lines of that movie called Attack the Block – that I never saw – because I thought it was some sort of rap movie even though I hear it was NOT about that and actually pretty good. So, something called Fear Street, the 90s, potential rap and lots of people writing about it at the same time = probably not at all for me whatsoever.

But then I saw it was a slasher movie with Uma Thurman’s daughter in it??? SMOOCH SMOOCH! And it’s supposed to be gory?? Produced by Adam Wingard? For better or worse he’s made some good things. Let’s go! What do I have to lose, right? Then I clicked on it and saw it was by the guy who did those Goosebumps books and was tagged with TEENS and DRAMA, MYSTERY and I figured this might not be one geared to the likes of the sorry specimen of self that I am.

BUT!

I pressed on and gave it a good look, for The Science and Arts – did I love it as much as The World’s Fair Expo of 1934??? Let’s see!

Since I would never lie to you, Beloved Reader, I wasn’t actually alive in 1934 even though you might think so but, I did really like this thing. Further! Because this is how my brains work and I didn’t plan on free associating this or anything else today, I must let you know that I basically had to learn The Communications Act of 1934 for my old job and, because I am hear to teach, here’s a blurb for your next Friday night get together that will surely make anyone you’re interested in want to Make It with you:

The Communications Act of 1934 is a United States federal law signed by President Franklin D. Roosevelt on June 19, 1934 and codified as Chapter 5 of Title 47 of the United States Code, 47 U.S.C. § 151 et seq. The Act replaced the Federal Radio Commission with the Federal Communications Commission (FCC). It also transferred regulation of interstate telephone services from the Interstate Commerce Commission to the FCC.

For any person still living or haunting us that’s passed by me in earlier works, you’ll remember that this is not the first time I’ve referenced or even quoted that motherfucker.

Let’s now associate some thoughts from my brains to yours about this movie:

– Maya Hawke is in this for about five minutes. BOO but YAY!
– The beginning of this seemed like it was just going to be some Millennial ripoff of Scream, which I suppose and I guess it was but after the beginning and shit that feeling kind of went away. BOOO but YAY!!
– There’s a LOT of slow motion sequences in this thing and that doesn’t bother me at all because I really like slo-mo sequences, ESPECIALLY when they involve montage. I don’t really remember any montage in here but that might be because I’m too busy thinking about The Communications Act of 1934 and its subsequent amendments, one of which gave me a job that I loved for a number of years regarding Local Number Portability over here in North America. My Cherokee ancestors native to this continent would be so proud of me. BOOOOOO they say to building cell towers across the lands but YAY they cheer for effective slow motion.

– I read in one of those posts I mentioned so long ago that someone didn’t care for the acting. Well – I actually thought it was pretty decent – or – they really edited it well. I also really liked the girl above with the bags under her eyes. Her name escapes me but I liked her. I know how I talk about how lazy I am but I’m actually very thorough when it comes to things that get me paid – like work and that federal order and its amendments, especially the one from 1996. BUT – right now I can’t be bollocksed to go look her up. “I’ll bollocks the arse out of ye!!” screams someone in Britain, disliking me and everything I do.
– This was also pretty R-Rated, which surprised me for being by the Goosebumps guy. There’s lots of blood and squishy, stabby, slasher stuff and even something a little gruesome towards the end. There’s no nudity to offend them sensitive people who don’t appreciate human bodies but there is this one scene where some people make out before they all meet their certain deaths. This one couple do it – this girl couple do it – and then this guy says: “Wait, did you all just go to pound town???” (Awkward pause) “Because I DID!” HA! If I was going to get killed the best thing to probably do would be to rub one out in some way or another.
– I also really liked the ghost thing with the razor blade. “She was hot!” argues someone who almost got killed by her.

I actually don’t have any gripes about this one at all except for maybe the music Wingard chose to stick in here at the loudest decibels – but that’s because I don’t really like much music from the 90s. I thought Metallica had some really good stuff but everyone is all “BOOO! THEY SOLD OUT!!!” but I am all “YAY I LIKE IT THOUGH!!” and everyone sez “BOOO YOU FUCKING SUCK!!!” The 90s also produced my favorite movie of all time – The Professional (sometimes Rocky if I’m feeling depressed) (which is easy to do).

What else here? I did like it and I also liked ‘1978’. I’ve started 1666 but haven’t got too far into it but, at this point, if they made a bunch of these I’d be OK. They briefly showed a bunch of other ghosts in ’78 so I’d watch some spin-offs. Unless they go to shit like… hmmm… well… lots of franchises….

What else? Oh! I’ve had the hots for Uma Thurman since probably before you were born:

“PFFFT and tut tut, Old Cock,” shushes Thurman. “That’s not Good English.”

FILED UNDER: THEY ALMOST MADE IT TO THE HAPPY ENDING