I was going to use this spot to try and write something about that new(ish) Army of the Dead movie that I liked and as I sat here thinking about what I could type up, I couldn’t really think of anything. It was good. It’s Zack Snyder. Some of it is stupid and some of it is kind of awesome. I thought the opening sequence montage was GREAT – with the slo-mo and the guy (or was it a girl) using that 50 cal on the zombie. I could do without Dick Cheese but – oh well – hmmm. The zombie tiger was dumb and wasn’t there a zombie baby coming around? So – zombie sperms? Maybe I just dreamed that part. I tried to watch it again the other night but wasn’t super interested and started watching Timecrimes instead which is – well – the fucking best. So let’s fuck that shit and have a go at this which is, that’s right, much worse than Army of the Dead.

I’m going to spoil this whole thing for you right now. Stop if you’re interested! STOP BRO STOP! Don’t think so hard! You’ll shit yourself!! OK? Ready??

A group of people walk up a mountain and they die.

I’m going to put the trailer for this in this post somewhere because whoever put that poster in the featured image together made this look kind of good but they should be sued for false representation. You can watch the trailer and witness some things shaking and jiggling and some people talking about eerie things and maybe even something or other that might move you into looking at the full movie. Maybe you’ll be inspired. MAYBE this will be the impetus you need to sit down and finish that fucking screenplay you’ve been sitting on for ten years. MAYBE you are the kind of person that I would be friends with in real life that likes to watch movies about people walking up a hill and crying. Maybe! I would probably be your friend. You’re great!

Here’s this!

prom night iv: deliver us from evil (1992)

OOOPS!

Here’s this:

Could I go back and delete what I accidentally pasted from something on my clipboard from two or three days ago? I sure could! But I don’t really care because that accident is almost as interesting as this movie.

The story goes as follows: in 1940, every resident of Friar, New Hampshire decided to up and leave their town and go up a mountain. Turns out only one person survived and he went insane. During the cool opening credits, we see pictures of dismembered, butchered bodies lying along the path, documents with lines redacted [REDACT!!!] and an analog audio recording of some guy screaming “Can’t you hear it!?!?!?!”. Next up – the lead dude is in some sort of abandoned mental institution where a man behind a tarnished glass window slides him the declassified dossier of Friar and apologizes to the lead and his family. Soon enough, he (our lead), his wife and their homely friend decide to mount an expedition up the Friar trail to see if they, after 70 years, can figure out what really happened to those poor fucking people.

Will they? Maybe you’re already drinking and forgot what I did here earlier. In case you did and you’re preparing to fire this up – there’s a part later on in this thing where a chick walks off a cliff on purpose. It’s very poorly done and looks worse than this:

You know what? Because I love you – I made this! This is probably a better representation of the scene:

We should note that that is NOT the same person that dropped off the cliff. After all of that, this movie wasn’t my favorite. Maybe it’s someone’s but not mine. BOO! I suck.

FILED UNDER: CRAP

Lastly, since I know so much about the British, here’s what I imagine they think of when they read my posts: