Obviously you can say or write whatever you want about Nic Cage – that’s your prerogative and it’s really none of my my fucking business. I mean, I guess if I hear or read it than it becomes kind of my business but it’s not my business about your feelings or conceptions and I’ll probably still like you unless you go around hurting animals but what you think of someone, that’s your business. And this piece of my business is not at all aimed at anyone in particular, it’s just my business and I’ve always liked the guy. I don’t know him in person but I’ve always enjoyed his shit and I don’t give a fuck what he does with his personal life as long as he doesn’t go around hurting animals so he can make whatever kinds of movies he likes and I’ll probably watch em. I do have to admit I have NOT seen some of his recent things that a lot of people like lately like Mandy and Color Out of Space (or Jiu Jitsu [I thought it looked fun] [I don’t know if it’s popular or not]) mainly because I don’t like a lot of noise and those last two movies looked really noisy. Maybe, I don’t know because I’ve never seen them.
But recently I did spend some time watching Pig and Willy’s Wonderland AND because I need to try and figure out how to keep my posts shorter or at least fewer AND I don’t know if I could do either of them justice in their own posts AND becuase I wanted to throw Drive Angry in here AND what else was I going to throw in there…. I don’t remember! So let’s see if I can briefly touch on two things at once and keep it under 455,000 characters. I know my posts can go long but it’s not like I’m out here retyping The Bible or something. Jeesh! Who wants to read that again? (I’ve never thought of this before – I wonder if Jesus would want to read The Bible?) (That’s a big commitment.) (He’d probably have a lot to do if all of those Bible prophesies were to come true.) (I also wonder if he’d correct my punctuation errors if he read this?) (Teacher of men and all).
WILLY’S WONDERLAND (2021)
FACT: I thoroughly enjoyed this movie.
FACT: It reminded me a lot of Drive Angry (I worked it in! Mom you’d be so proud! I did it I really did it!)
FACT: I liked Drive Angry better
FACT: You can’t get spray paint off of a mirror with a bottle of degreaser
FACT: In all of my life I’ve never seen anyone chew on a cigar with it halfway shoved in his mouth Mr Car Mechanic Guy. Dangling from your lips maybe or them front teeth but not back by your throat.
I really did enjoy this movie and I thought it was good fun but I feel like I have way too many questions coming out of it for a movie like this. The next set of non-bulleted bullet points will contain questions that could – in some way – spoil this thing but it’s not some 1940s mystery where the big reveal comes at the end. It’s more like a Harry Stephen Keeler novel. The fun ones – not the racist ones.
WHY: we don’t have any backstory on who or what Janitor might be (click that link for what our friend Blogferatu thought) which is fine – no problems there. is he also a robot? Is he just some dude who doesn’t have anything to say and does some ass kicking? The why here is: for whatever reason, why does this character go screaming around in a wicked ass muscle car? Why does he play pinball and get his groove going? Why does he drink so much caffeinated soda drink? Someone I work with has an alternate idea maybe I’ll repeat later.
WHY: in such a good movie with great practical effects did they choose to show Cammy slithering up and down walls like some sort of silverfish in terrible CGI? I didn’t get that at all.
WHY: did they bother to show our lead girl crawling through an air vent that’s as clean as a fucking whistle? By now, we ALL know that air vents are filled with screws from the outside in, they’re probably about as narrow as a microwave oven and PROBABLY filled with ALL MANNER of dead insects up to and including live spiders and maybe rats. I thought this gimmick was done with the way of dial tones on cell phones and tires screeching on dirt roads.
WHY (HOW): did they expect me to believe that those – erm – remains of the – erm – bad guys fit so nicely into those trash bags?
(Last one) WHY (HOW): am I supposed to take it that he stuck his three or four remaining cans of pop into his sack, beat something to death with them and then they were just fine to take back out on the road and drink?? ARRGH my brain! It fizzles….!
[NAME REACTED] up at work thinks the whole goddammed thing is just a video game like Donkey Kong or Galaga being played by someone else somewhere. The drinks are a reward and the kills are boss levels. That doesn’t really sound like something I think he would come up with by himself so he probably read it somewhere and relayed that to me like it was his own idea. Maybe, I guess. When those teenagers are having sex, that guy sure has some Caligula style stamina so maybe…
But, more importantly:
This movie fucked me up. Not like all of the acid or mushrooms I ate back in the 90s but it fucked me up good psychologically.
For You Who Read This, here we are:
You’ve heard me moan about how I was an only child and how all I ever wanted was a good friend and how I’ve had trouble getting close to people and staying in relationships but 20 or so years ago I ran into Mrs Film Miasma and she saved my life and I have that person now and we decided not to have kids and we got a dog and he was MY DOG and then we got another one and she was her dog and we lived a happy life and then a few years ago my dog died and I still haven’t really recovered and I think it was his death that caused my body to not function well and then I got sick and almost died twice in 2020 but Mrs Film Miasma is the only real reason I pulled through it and everything was going OK and them Cheech (her dog) died and my heart was broken again and some people were telling me about how good this movie was and I was afraid to watch it because of Cheech and then I did and I was fucked up for days because I couldn’t and probably won’t be able to live without Mrs FM and then Cheech and then this thing and his loss and then the loss of his pig and jesus christ fuck and now I’m upset again just thinking about it and fuck
I know I’m miserable about going back and editing my shit but I probably won’t edit that last terrible sentence because I guess it’s good to get things off of your chest but god damn that was a really good movie. I mean, how about Adam Arkin’s character and even his acting or even the kid? How about when he has a glimmer of hope and says “This is how we’re going to get my pig back.” What about the lost hope of the tree they planted in the back yard? Or how about when he goes to see that baker and she lovingly says “You need to wash up”.
I guess that’s it and I should stop. Did I reach my 450,000 character limit? Probably. In my opinion, Pig is a GREAT movie. I don’t think I’m just biased because I like Cage so much – maybe he’s just the right guy to play the part. Whoever played Arkin’s kid was terrific. How about that chef he talks to in the restaurant? I’m sure and there’s no way to be disappointed because there’s no way some of those fucking high and uppity awards people will even watch a Nicolas Cage movie called Pig but this is a really, really good one. I’m not some salesman trying to pitch this movie to you. If you’re iffy, don’t watch it. It’s a drama and no one comes to town with a machine gun and gets bloody revenge.
WILLY’S WONDERLAND FILED UNDER: THEY ALMOST MADE IT TO THE HAPPY FINISH
PIG FILED UNDER: FUCK YEAH, SON