I’ll start my intro to this piece off by telling you right now that I really like this movie, you son of a bitch. I don’t really mean that last part, I just added it on because I wanted to see what that would look like in Klingon so, here you go you lucky fucking devils:

ghIchwIj Dajatlhchugh, ghIchlIj qaja’ puS.

I don’t know how to speak the language and, from everything I’ve heard in my life of hearing Klingon, I figured there would be more vowels and that use of capitalization is even worse than mine. In fact – we might even have a close second to how bad I type and just poorly use the English language in general. I remember – to my shame – several years ago we had to move to a new building to work in so there came with it new people and one time I ran into this girl (female) (woman) (maybe a third time) and I thought I would be a nice colleague and one day I was getting something out of the communal fridge I politely said something to the effect of: “What does it call it?” Naturally and in ALL honesty I meant it to come out something like “How do you do? How are you? What was your name again? Would you like to grasp my outstretched hand in greeting and introduction?” But my brains went SKKZZXXCK and my mouth said “What does It call It?” and I honestly don’t remember what happened after that. My mastery of the English language is top notch!

I think in that fridge, in the little section I hid my shit in, I had a diet coke or two and probably a plastic container of sliced cucumbers that had been slathered in salt and were now resting in vinegar. If you haven’t picked up on it by now, I’m from the south in the U.S. and that’s a real snack.

It’s basically what a pickle would be before some asshole went and stuck dill in the jar. Just to test things, here’s my last sentence also passed through the translator:

‘ej chepbe’chugh qaSpu’DI’ QIchvam.

Hey look! Maybe some other folks are starting to wizen up (note: i usually stick a little cayenne pepper in mine, not really for heat necessarily but just for a little extra). (And don’t go just making a bowl of these and dump a bottle of italian dressing on them, it’s not the same). (I mean the italian dressing way is good and all but it’s just not the same, the dressing and oil doesn’t get into the fruit of the vegetable and make it…. stick). (and, if it’s just in vinegar, this will last for a few weeks).

“Focus Padawan!” Says someone, changing franchises.

I guess before we really get started I should note that I’m really starting to like Jeffrey Donovan (as in, for years now). The first time I crossed paths with him I was really not impressed with the spectacle and it went something like this:

But I shouldn’t hold shit against him or anyone I guess, he’s an actor looking for a job and maybe it sucked but guess what – – SO DOES MY SHIT. Anyway, the next time I ran into him, Mrs Film Miasma was watching Burn Notice and I didn’t really get into it probably because of this:

but I didn’t really watch much of it (Burn Notice). I’d say, right now, he’s probably one of my favorite actors out there with Shea Wigham and Patrick Wilson and Michael Shannon. (Side note: that movie Wigham and Shannon did together a couple of years ago – sheesh – what a shitpants of an ending).

“beedeebeedeebeedeebeedee,” advises Tweaky, ignoring rules and consistency.

In this movie we meet about today, the GLORIOUSLY round eyed Bill Skarsgard and the It Follows girl break into a home off the highway looking for a car to get the fuck away from a crime scene and move on to Florida to sell sea shells. (Really). After finding something a little off down in the basement, they find something even more off upstairs and – I really do love this thing. If you haven’t seen it, I’m not trying to hype it up or sell it but this is my kind of thing really. Let’s see, first –

God damn I loved Skarsgard. See how his right up up there seems a little skewed? I don’t know if that’s a natural trait or not and if it is I love it but, the way he uses his eyes in this thing are just fucking brilliant. Monroe was good and – well I guess she did great as someone who was once a little girl with dreams of everything being Ok and selling seashells on the beach like she used to do with her mom and now things are kind of messed up because they do drugs and rob gas stations to get by but things will be ok with positivity and good hearts, right, but Pennywise and the way he tries to just keep things positive for her is a great piece of writing and acting. And his rolly eye sure didn’t hurt anything.

Then you throw in Donovan and Kyra Sedgewick. What a couple of great fucking characters. Donovan and his thin moustache and his greased over hair and his turtlenecks and his enthusiasm for his wife’s shepherd’s pie – oh he’s a crack shot with that pistol oh and HE’S NEVER GONNA DIE! And Sedgewick and she just wants that 50s fantasy household with a baby and she does her let’s-have-sex-dance complete with feather boa that you can imagine Betty White doing on some USO stage back in the 40s or something.

And then there’s that thing in the basement.

This isn’t one of those home invasion movies that some asshole made that you want or need to take seriously like – what was that one called – Cherry Tree Lane (?) when those kids break in and rape and kill everyone and then the dad gets free and goes berserk? Geesh that was dark. This is fun and I don’t go look at IMDB ratings too often (CPD {Jug Face!} usually fact checks me on those) so I bet this has a low one and I don’t care because I love this thing. And I HATE turtlenecks. There, I said it! Turtlenecks can go to hell! So can that last movie I saw Skarsgard in, The Devil All the Time – I didn’t like that a bit. Not only because of the spider scene but it just seems like it’s one of those movies (or books) written by someone who lives in, say, New Hampshire and thinks anyone outside of the 13 colonies is a penniless, potato sack wearing, sister fucking imbecile and there’s no goddammed hope unless they die miserably in a prison shithouse.

Like everyone in Arkansas! Boom! Or Greece! BOOM BOOM! Go eat some squid and rub yourself down in olive oil you stinking bastard! The guy from Arkansas, that is.

FILED UNDER: FUCK YEAH, SON

P.S. – in case you missed my last sci-fi reference up there: