Yep. Here we go. I mght as well go ahead and get this out of the way – avoid this movie and post if you don’t like: murder, sex, the 70s, coffins, saxophones, pop top beers, sliding glass patio doors, snap button shirts and, well, that old school boy fantasy turned into sleazy movie about hot teachers and, well, you know. Right? I get it – I do. I didn’t have any hot mama teachers when I went to school. Most of them were middle aged (I think) and not really – uh – ladies I would go home and think about in bed. Or think about being in bed with me. Or in the back of the bus. Or in an old warehouse on the bay. I remember we had a chemistry teacher who, I suppose, was good looking and this one time she wore a leather skirt to school and it was just kind of awkward. And, plus, I’ve never really hung around a bay.
Do they make movies like this any more? Is it sleazy? I guess, maybe. It’s about a teacher who corrupted the morality of an entire school! for Pete’s sake! There’s bare skin and teenage drinking and some implied sex. I think the kid’s dad wanted to make it more with the teacher than the kid did. If I think about it and put myself in that kid’s position back whenever I was however old he was supposed to be, I probably would have just blown – uh – it – everywhere – uh – a bunch – and nothing would have ever happened anyway. And, so we’re on the same page… you know…. OMG MY GOODNESS UH OH UHM ZIGGLY ZIGGLY:
And, because I’m fair, here’s one for the ladies. I could only guess what the lady version of IT feels like so I won’t assume to fizzle up a pic, but, I do try to be fair.
I also know that not everyone likes the same things I do so we can easily mix and match those pictures and clauses together like a nice syllogism – for the most part anyway – but there’s no need to make this thing longer than it will inevitably be, for better or worse, meaning –> worse, I presume.
But, like I said earlier, just a bunch of middle aged women hanging around teaching at my high school. Of course there were chicks in my school but I was never one of those popular fellows and never really gave it much of a try. I mean, sure, I guess I did, but not very hard and not very successfully. I don’t think I was anyone’s Honeybuns that I knew of. But fuck, let’s move on.
P.S. I love, have always loved and still own snap shirts.
This starts off with a hilariously serious, flute filled song about how every boy needs a teacher to teach him about life and love – the kind of teacher who would simply be arrested on the spot now. After that beautiful number, we meet a crazy youth named Ralph who seems to live in an abandoned warehouse (by the bay!) with all of his things in a red velvet coffin. He probably drinks, smokes and gets high! By the way, this is the guy who played Ralph – remember him? You’ve seen him, I promise.
Before too long, we jump to some boys leaving school for the day, saying goodbye to the very attractive, blond teacher and we watch her pull away in her nice, teacher salary Corvette (mm-hmm). She later moves the plot forward be explaining that she is aware that Ralph is stalking her, but she heads to her teacher-salaried boat (where is this school district??), motors out about 100 yards and nude sunbathes anyway. Not tooooooo far away, of course, Ralph is ogling her through his binoculars when his brother and friend show up to check her out as well. PEEP PEEP! When does that tall ship set sail, sir?? I’ve used that line before but I doubt anyone read it so there it is again.
This doesn’t go over well with horny ole Ralph and – as he snatches back his miracle binoculars with the magical figure eight eye-view, his brother falls off of the fire escape and dies. Awwww shit! Didn’t see that one coming did you? The Causationists would be so proud.
Without going in to the entire story, what follows for the next hour and a half are exemplified here:
I’m actually surprised but this movie’s not too bad. Yeah boobs, yeah shit like that but there’s actually a story and a plot and some meat to it. I get it’s not for everyone, of course, and maybe not for many people, but I thought it was good fun. If you want some real sleaze you can consider Nude For Satan or Black Candles or or what was that one thing? Sister of Ursula? In fact – I remember not too long ago I turned on Netflix and one of the featured movie preview thing was some chick taking it to some dude’s monster uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Penis Millenis Millennium Falcon! Pen is out of order! I wondered what my father in law thought of that when he went looking for a western. My point – this isn’t THAT – er – intriguing. I think that thing was called “Love” by the way.
Oh well – if nothing else we can keep some nostalgia up around here. Up! Thematic! Flutes!
FILED UNDER: THE BOOBS THAT TIME FORGOT