Given the course of human events, this movie should be something I absolutely love. Bad acting, topless chicks, loads of blood, bottomless chicks, bad acting and a lot of spanking. I feel that I tolerate a lot, as I bear witness on this page, and I can deal with the bad shit, but this movie…. was just really, really, really….. not good. I mean, if we look at those Slumber Party Massacre movies I covered and did my crime boards for ohmygodwhyhaventiwonapulitzer???, the acting and production values were shit BUT it looked like everyone was having a good time (for the most part anyway). Trust me when I say I didn’t expect too much here but… an 80s slasher throw-back? MM HMMM. I’m listening. Boobs and blood?? MM HMMM HMMM. This should have been right up my alley but… it really kind of sucked and I don’t know why exactly. The DP? The sound? The TERRIBLE acting? The lack of substance? I don’t know – I can usually forgive all of that. But I just never got into this thing. You know what else I never really got into? Serial commas. But, that’s not what we’re here for today.

Here’s a photo recreation of one of my readers finishing that last paragraph:

“You’re not fun!” She hisses, giving me the side eye with her big, pretty eyes. “You stink!” She says, with a huge emphasis on stink. “Commas are good! Commas are great! You misspelled commas that second time as coomas. STINK!”

Maybe that’s what was missing here – fun. As a reference, to start things out a couple of youths are making It in some sorority house. The Delta Pi. The house mother comes in and yells at them then goes and drinks from a flask in the trunk of her car. It might sound fun if she crawled into the trunk of her car and drank from a flask, but that didn’t happen. Next up, some chicks are topless and putting on make-up for the big spank the new girls tradition at the bonfire. In comes a chick wearing some cowboy boots. As the camera pans up, we see that that’s all she’s wearing and we notice that she has an alarming lack of pubic hair. We also notice that it’s none other than Roxy “Tie me up and fuck me” Vandiver from Spirit Camp! Hey! That’s one of my favorite movies! (Comparatively {it’s not The Professional or anything}) What is this? Some 90s porn? NOTE: I’ve never seen a 90s porn but I’ve heard, from a friend.

“This dude sux,” instructs Roxy in a still for Spirit Camp and not Die Die Delta Pi because I can’t find any decent pics of her from this movie.

Hey look!! It’s an old header I made from my old blog! Do you see the hidden image?? Huh Huh???

Anyway, at the fun times bonfire, the only chick who hasn’t exposed herself yet gets accidentally killed. Elsewhere, the drunk house mother has killed EVERYONE else and we fast forward to 2013 or whenever this stupid thing came out. The daughter of one of the chicks who killed the other chick is going to college! YAY!! Live the dream!! The actress playing her is a miserable as I can imagine but she has a cute blond friend who was easily the best thing about this movie but I can’t remember the character’s name and I’m too fucking lazy to do any hard research.

So… yep… Delta Pi house is re-opened and someone is going around killing everyone. There’s more boobs, some twins, some more twins, some drugs, an Asian who makes fun of his Asian-ness and blah, blah, blah nothing ever really exciting happens. Everyone just talks their acting and someone sits around another bonfire with her shirt off for around ten straight minutes. They were probably smoking doobs and grass and getting high, those goddammed hippies. “Oh let’s go get high and do marijuana!” said my friend’s mom once about some girl he wanted to go out with.

The first time I ever watched this, when i was commuting to and from New Jersey, before the flight I watched it on, I was sitting in this Mexican place in the airport, having a beer and some chips and guacamole, minding my own fucking business. Being in one of the busiest airports in North America, you can never be alone for more than two seconds before some bothersome person comes up and troubles you. Anyway, there I am, watching some golf when these three hipster douchebags come up to the bar and sit by me. “I’ll have a Bloody Mary” says one of them to the bartender. “What’s that???” asks one of the other dudes who is probably in his late twenties. “It’s a drink with vodka and tomato juice” says the other guy. “WOW!! I’ve never heard of that before!!” says the middle guy. Being on some beer and irritated at having to go out of town – to NEW JERSEY, I screamed “YOU’VE NEVER HEARD OF A FUCKING BLOODY MARY YOU MOTHERFUCKER???” and then took him down right there in front of everyone him by ripping out his throat.

I threw that bloody piece of shit at the TV behind the bar, grabbed my backpack and took off running down the terminal. I could hear a few people in the bar screaming their fucking brains out but that didn’t stop me from slowing down and heading into the Duty Free shop for the first time ever.

“Oh wow, you can sell alcohol here?” I asked. For some fucking reason, they quit selling beer and hooch in stores in Jersey after six so this might have been my chance to have a little something to help me sleep after travelling 1500 miles. Daddy’s Little Helper, you know.

“We sure do,’ the guy behind the counter smiled. “Where you heading today?”

“New Jersey,” I responded, telling the truth because I’m an all right guy who doesn’t lie, steal or lean my seat back in an airplane like some kind of incredible asshole.

:Sorry, we can only sell this to you if you’re going overseas,” was what he came back with so, having had enough, I jumped over the counter, ripped out his throat too and took off running again. Eventually I boarded the plane, made it to my destination and ended up in a place called Ruby Tuesdays where I got seven Jack and Diet Cokes, ate what they called a steak but was more like “meat product’ and tried to unwind.

Disclosure: A lot of that last part may or may not have happened.

FILED UNDER: CRAP