My BBFF Cinema Parrot Disco brought this movie to my attention some time ago and I thought it sounded pretty fantastic. A bunch of old dudes kicking the fuck out of a bunch of shitbird youths, probably the kind who invade your personal space at every fucking chance they get or the ones who have never moved out of their parents house or those other entitled fuckers or, even worse, Gen Z. I swear to Christ that if I still had my truck I would ram every one of these stupid fucking drivers every chance I got. Without hesitation. In all honesty, I’ve wanted to buy a bazooka for a NUMBER of years and send one up someone’s ass ALL THE TIME. But I don’t do it because I’m a sane person and just hold in my dislike and anger at these morons who feel sweaters are ironic and that Bob Ross was some kind of savior. Or that guy I work with who has some sort of decal of the Queen on the back driver’s side window of his Cube that makes it look like she’s in the car with him because he “loves her.” You know who I don’t love? The Queen or Bob Ross. So a movie about a bunch of old guys kicking some ass? Right up my alley?

Well….. kind of.

Bullet 1) I couldn’t see fucking shit the entire time.

I originally thought – well – remember in Kill Bill when The Bride goes to Oren’s pad and starts chopping off everyone’s heads and blood erupts everywhere and they put it into black and white so it wouldn’t be too gory and get X Rated? I first thought they might be trying something like that since (I think) this is supposed to be pretty gory – it had LOTS of squishy chop chop sounds and (I think) lots of explod-y shotgun killing-y things (but I couldn’t tell for sure) so maybe they went without lighting to not smear our buddies hanging out in the VFWs in small town America with an unwanted X even though they’ve probably seen much worse. Then I thought, maybe not, maybe they’re just being cheap. I know this isn’t a horror but one of the oldest tricks in the horror book is to just make everything too dark to see so YOU can’t catch anything dodgy.

They even do a bunch of shit out in the VFW parking lot and they can – for free – use some of that ambient moonlight that comes with outdoor shoots but it didn’t work out in my favor either so… I couldn’t ever really tell what was happening – frown cry frown weep.

But, since I’m honest – the opening and end around all of the other shit has some of that natural light –

In fact, the beginning (after something kind of gory that I didn’t think CPD would like much) is pretty much taken from and an exact copy of the opening to Assault on Precinct 13 (the good one from the 70s). I guess, homage? Maybe? But I also guess – identical. Which is good. I doubt they were trying to slip something by us, right? I’m not that old yet.

Plus – I’ve ALWAYS liked Billy Sadler and Fred Williamson (that I’ve seen him in) and the turkey baster guy from Don’t Breathe seems to be fun and good and all of that. I would advise not to be sold on seeing George Wendt do much other than sit at the edge of a bar and drink beer. Or – maybe – that’s what your looking for. Norm! Who else was in here? Oh yes! The girl from Vast of Night!

I don’t know how many people will like that one. I loved it. You might have to be from or a fan of small towns, or a enjoy lot of incessant talking by a particular guy but I liked it a lot. I also really liked that some of it was shot with electric lighting and, even when they’re running around the streets at night, you can see what’s going on because of the moonlight. Cheers, my good friends! Lights, camera, action! Lights!

“Lights!” Shouts Turkey Baster Guy. “I can’t see my mark!” By ‘mark’ I obviously mean the place where you stand to deliver an axe into the head of the leather studded punk trying to kill your for the drugs hiding in your bar. That’s funny, I just remembered an old Match Game where they got a new piece of the set and Gene didn’t know where to stand so someone, during a commercial, came up and put a cigarette butt down. Then, they used it as his mark for a month or so. You’d think they’d use tape or something but, like Nipsy Russell always said “Times are hard!”

That kind of reminds me of this:

That seems like the fucking story of my life.

All rights go to The Perry Bible Fellowship! YAY THEY RULE!

This movie:

FILED UNDER: AT LEAST THEY TRIED but it’s probably a lot better if an old guy like me could see it better : ( I mean, I’m not even as old as the guys in the VFW and I had troubles…

I guess I should do another bullet on here because that’s what people do when they use parentheses for an early bullet, so:

Bullet 2) there’s a line in this movie that some viewers may or may not get. It alludes to a sex thing that prudes don’t really get to any more, at least in things that I watch and even if they did, well, they make fun of it in this thing so I’ll leave you with this image: You’re sitting there at the bar top, maybe flirting with the older guy next to you. Maybe he’s a shitload older than you are and maybe you’re a chick or maybe even a dude but you strike his fancy. After several brandy snifters and lukewarm Rumpelmintz shots he gets up to take a piss (you guess) and you see a handwritten note by your coaster. It reads:

ROSES ARE RED
VIOLETS ARE BLUE
I BUY TOOTHPICKS BY THE BUSHEL

Being from a younger generation and not exactly familiar with what a bushel might be, you check your phone despite the shitty coverage in this place and see:

a measure of capacity equal to 64 US pints (equivalent to 35.2 liters), used for dry goods.

Is it another brain teaser like my acrostic the other day? Maybe!

END!

Please accept my thanks for reading this