wicked lake (2008)

This movie is supposed to be about four hot chicks who go to a lake and get it on with each other and then are harassed by two different groups of men who want to have their way with them until they turn into witches and extract their revenge. That sounded promising and the movie even opened with a naked female model in an art class. Things very quickly started going sour when we are introduced to a shy, whimpering ignoramus taking that course. He’s costumed with Weird Al curly hair and wearing a fancy, frilly, pink frock who imagines the girl grabbing her crotch and saying “That’s right – it’s just like mommy said, full of razors!!”, to which he freaks out, grabs his stuff and leaves. Well, right? I never had any nudes in my art classes so maybe that’s a thing? We had conch shells and I think I drew some cowboy boots once. If I had a nude, it would probably be like this:

If I were ever asked to be a model for an art class, it would probably look something like this. (Except nude) (Film Miasma PSA: Don’t search “Shaggy nudes 70s”):

Back to our feature today: a little later, the model exits the building, fires up a doob right there on the front steps of her higher education building and there the guy is, just sitting there waiting for her. He walks her home, pulls out his…. art book, you perv, gives her his rendering of her – a unicorn jumping over a rainbow and asks if he can grab her boob. She loves the drawing, yanks out her tit and then her roommate opens the door – so he runs off crying. HMMM – I did a drawing about something or other once out here, let’s see if I can remember how I did that. Here you go –

P.S. On my day-before-posting-proof-read(s) I thought it would be nice to mention that I’m not The Ignoramus and drew four back legs on the animal. He’s a male. FYI.

Later! Zoinks!

At home, his two brothers berate him for crying his fucking brains out like a kid at my local grocery store, and one of them makes him sit on his own lap and give him a kiss on the mouth, then bites his lip off, so he runs off crying again. I don’t think that’s really normal. I have a brother but there’s a big age gap so we never had that ‘growing up together’ kind of life. Even if we did, I doubt that kind of thing would have happened. I washed and cleaned his dirty, filthy ass for a long time and that was about as close as I got. Anyway –

He (crying character) returns a few minutes later wearing only a pink tee shirt and some whitey tighties followed by an invalid in a wheelchair who farts and poops himself0 A bunch. Cut to the four chicks from the initial synopsis up there, driving down some road, smoking weed and kissing each other all over. I’ll only briefly mention the masturbating dude in the gas station, the skinny dipping, a giant black dildo and then POOF, the four brothers and the crippled guy amazingly and mysteriously show up at their unknown and remote cabin door. With a knife. The nude model character person notices the frocky, crying, unicorn guy’s lip bleeding, so she goes and sucks on it. Time for another picture intermission? Probably so.

While all of that excitement and logical sense is happening, the sit-on-my-lap, brother biter character threatens to throw the knife at the other girls. “I’ll throw this knife at you if you don’t straighten up and fly right!” Shit. Fuck! Instead, he knocks his brother down, who then vomits, and pusher-downer, lip-biter character makes one of the girls mop it up with her shirt, while she ineffectively moans and cries. “oh god no please no oh god please oh oh’ wipe wipe. Classic! I think Mister Pubes had more skill in our podcast. What did he act out? Oh yeah “Vas Deferens!” And, of course, I very loosely use the word ‘act’ here. But at least we fucking tried.

In a different blog, a long time ago, I made some videos for this and that, usually for other people’s sites who aren’t around any longer (CRY CRY CRY). One time I made one for my old Blog Partnerooni JB for a movie called The Amityville Playhouse. The movie was shit and the acting was worse but a friend and I made a short video for the post. I guess the video’s not live any longer (and the commonwealth revolts!) but here’s the setting: two people are standing next to a door. The door is closed and a door knob is visible. The two characters exchange these words:

I CAN’T OPEN THE DOOR. THE DOOR IS LOCKED.

WHO LOCKED THE FUCKING DOOR.

I DIDN’T LOCK THE FUCKING DOOR.

I’M SO SCARED. I’VE NEVER BEEN SO SCARED IN MY LIFE.

WE’LL NEVER GET OUT OF HERE. WE’RE GOING TO DIE IN HERE.

I CAN’T OPEN THE DOOR. MY HANDS ARE BLEEDING.

QUIT FUCKING AROUND AND OPEN THE DOOR.

THE DOOR WON’T OPEN. THE DOOR IS LOCKED.

WHY IS THE DOOR LOCKED. I’M SO FUCKING SCARED.

IF YOU DIDN’T LOCK THE DOOR WHO LOCKED THE FUCKING DOOR.

I’M SO SCARED HOW CAN THIS DOOR BE LOCKED.

WE’RE GOING TO DIE BECAUSE THE DOOR IS LOCKED.

I’VE NEVER BEEN THIS SCARED IN MY LIFE.

Imagine me, an unpaid actor and my coworker, an unpaid actress, pulling that off! Amazing! But still better than what we see in this movie I foist upon us today. Foist!

Eventually, the four girls, get covered in blood and shove a that big dildo down someone’s throat and give him a lecture on “guilt”. Also, someone get’s his crotch shot off by someone with a gun even though I only remember them having a knife. The only reason I watched this is because Angela Bettis is in this and I honestly don’t know how that happened. Here’s the trailer if you want to have a look but – this is not a challenge to go watch it, it’s that bad.

FILED UNDER: WORSE THAN THE DRAFT BEER SHITS

14 thoughts on “wicked lake (2008)

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