Here we are and it’s inching closer and closer to Halloween – I’m sure nobody even noticed or registered or cared or remembered that I’m working on a big post for the 31st. And, even if I do get it finished, it looks like it might be even longer than my usual shit so, if anyone’s interested, maybe it’ll be a REALLY slow day at work or someone will be taking a super long shit while on the clock. If I even get it done. We’ll see!
For today though, I ran across a couple of anthologies the other couple of days and I watched them all of the way through. NOW – I’m not necessarily a huge fan of these things because I think they are really hit or miss – I don’t think about the entire package – I mean the stories I see within. While I’m sitting here I can’t really think of any I’ve loved but that could probably be the way my brain’s firing because I’m drinking beer too, but nothing really comes to mind. I know a lot of people like Creepshow but I haven’t seen that since I was a kid so I don’t really remember a whole lot about it. The ones that DO come to mind that I’m not going to fuck around and write about today are: V/H/S, V/H/S 2, V/H/S Viral, The ABCs of Death 1, 2 or 2.5, Fun Sized Horror Volume 1, Tales of Halloween, XX, Chillerama, (Creepshow), Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark, and some German thing I watched on Hulu one afternoon – that one was just weird.
So, in honor of me not talking about all of those things which is most likely met with cheers, applause and general good nature, let’s see about these two.
WOW – I really thought this really fucking sucked. Sorry I used the word really twice in the same sentence but, sheez. Uh… shit. Um – the opening / wrap around story, to me of course, was really stupid. Some cops recording everything go into some warehouse filled with an unbelievable mausoleum full of rooms, dead people with their eyeballs popped out and littered like ratshit on chairs next to them, hear someone talking about “the signal”. Then they do it (that sequence) four more times.
The first “tape” that just turns on without being pushed in to a machine or anything like that is about some reporter and her camera man who go into a sewer looking for ‘Ratman’. It’s no spoiler to inform you that they find Ratman and he either spits acid juice out of his mouth and kills you or possesses you and then you vomit acid juice all over your TV co-anchor whose face melts off. I thought this was unbearably stupid and when the guy pulled off his face I was all “LOL that’s stupid. LOL OMG H8.” Then I took a picture of myself with my cell phone. I stuck my tongue out and did a peace sign and sent it to NBC with the tag “social media influencer y’all! L8Z ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥“
Guess what, I didn’t really do that. The next ‘tape’ consisted of a chick alone in a funeral home when the corpse comes back to life and then next up some mad Asian doctor guy who likes to combine humans with machines. He does his work in some sort of underground bunker with an infinity number of filthy rooms and one of ’em comes alive and we see everything from her perspective. The last one is about some sort of group of white men who like guns who, naturally, want to blow up a government building because they all do. I’m sure it’s High Art Social Commentary. Yawn. Got it. Thx.
If I had to think of one I kind of liked I guess it would be the funeral home one but it sure wasn’t fucking fantastic.
L8Z ♥ ♥ ♥
Speaking of anthologies, I had no fucking idea there was a 10/31 part 1. This showed up as something I’d like, presumably because of the movie up top and, well, I watch shit movies so who cares, right? Depending on what you may or may not be in to, you might be enticed by the, uh, alluring enchantress in the poster above who is, uh, channeling her, uh, Elviraesque, uh, erm, well, I see she’s got a necklace on there. Her character’s name is something like Malvira or something and she’s in it for maybe two minutes. Showing off her necklaces. Necklaces, there you go.
I know it’s something or other to shit on things that aren’t so good and I appreciate the people that tried and succeeded to get what’s made here made and distributed and all of that so great job! The first thing in this deal is called A Samhain Liturgy and I really hated it. Boy, um. A babysitter discovers her ‘ward’ has something down in the basement. I don’t want to dog it out but if someone asked me if I could do something better my answer would be ‘yes’. I think the footage we took of Richie covered in blood, walking down that bridge with the leg was better than this. It looked something like this except from behind and in slo-mo, which the world needs more of.
Next up was a thing about an Uber or Lyft type driver who picks up the wrong passenger who happens to be some sort of alien or something and then, I think, his girlfriend is too and something or other. They use a LOT of weird colors in this one and I found it kind of irritating so I stopped paying a lot of attention. I did think the actress who played the girlfriend seemed OK but again, I wasn’t paying much attention.
Thinking back on this next one, Apache Hatchet Massacre II, this seems like something I would FUCKING LOVE. Looks like some friends doing something they had fun making, I think, no money and stupid – my type of thing but I HATED it. I hated it SO MUCH I wanted to fistfight it. It made low budget, friends doing something horror look bad and it only lasted something like four minutes. Three days later, I’m still mad at it and if I had a picture of it in my wallet I would cut it up. If it was clean enough and / or my scissors weren’t dirty and metal tasting i would then probably eat the pieces. AARRGGHH. A few weeks ago I tried some new soup from the restaurant in the building I work in. It was disgusting, the vegetables were undercooked and it had blue cheese in it. I was SO MAD I wasted my money on it. I mean I’m not fucking Bill Gates but I can afford a bowl of soup from time to time but fuck. Do you know how long it’s been since I’ve been pissed off AT FOOD? That’s kind of what I felt like here. I walked all the way down three flights of goddammed stairs to try your buffalo chicken soup and it was that wretched?
Time check! This post isn’t going too long is it?? “Not yet, my sweetest victim,” – whispers Malvolia, the Queen of Screams, “plus, my eyes are up here” she adds, noticing me trying to not let her notice me looking at her necklaces. Another one is called Sister Mary (I think) and it’s about a nun atoning or coming to grips with her past. It wasn’t horrible but it seemed way too long and too chronologically unchronological to keep me interested. Certainly not as bad as Apache Hatchet Massacre. And really – I’m not trying to be a dick but there were some shot angles that showed the street behind her and there were lots of oil stains from leaky car engines. That really bothered me. Not from a ‘quality of film’ perspective but from a ‘that’s one of my biggest fucking anger points in my neighborhood you fucking douchebags, keep up after the oil your shitty fucky car leaks in the street”. And yes, I used the word fucky.
I think the best part of this thing was called Overkill and it dealt with a couple of serial killers vying over this chick they want to kill. It wasn’t anything super fucky spectacular or anything but it was funny and the girl dancing in the background for a good seven or eight minutes was fun.
Overall, I think this was not a very enjoyable experience. Again, I haven’t seen the first one so maybe it was wonderful! Maybe! Maybe Malvolia just got mad at me for admiring her necklaces. I mean, come on. I’m an admirer of necklaces. What can I say?
Oh well! Better luck for me next time!
THESE MOVIES FILED UNDER: CRAP