Well, it’s almost the big night! Will I have my big post I’ve been threatening people about ready? Knowing me – probably not. It’s almost done but I have to finish it. And –> I’m so fucking slow, so there’s that. Most importantly, I would like to call recognition to myself for putting the word “turds” into the title of my piece today. I’d like to imagine that you’re administering or attending a class at the local educational place (school, PTA, church, etc) on how to do social media and shit like that and one of the topics in your syllabus is “Blogging”.

“Lots of people do it, these days,” you educate. “Back in my day we kept journals or diaries that we hid from our parents. Nowadays, people write online so they can access their thoughts whenever they want and – maybe – someone will come around and read what they have to say. It makes them feel good.”

“Why would you hide things from your parents?” A Gen Z asks, fondling his neck locket in which a photo of himself and his family resides, hidden occasionally behind the scarf or ascot constantly tied around his neck, even in the hot summer months; maybe it’s to conceal boils or some other skin condition, there must be some reason to wear that hideous fucking piece of patterned cloth when the temperature outside is 110 degrees and the flies swarm him, diving and darting against his putrid smelling skin, stained by months and months of kale and seaweed based sweat. [How’d you like that sentence??]

Ignoring his appearance, because you’re a professional, you add “Mostly to hide the log I kept of when I made my ejaculate.”

“Yep, yep,” someone in the back row adds, squirming. “I just made som -“

“WordPress is a good platform!” You hastily interject, not wanting to lose all control of, what did we decide on? The PTA meeting. “WordPress is free and lots of people like it!” So you launch your own WP blog on the overhead and a few of your subjects, absorbing like sponges, notice that it’s a blog about ‘The Entropy of The Penis, A Study Across Continents and The Rise of The Androgynous Among Today’s Youth’. “Fuck.” You think you whisper and notice the retired HR PTA lady start to raise her hand and you click off of that screen and go do a WP search and, because it’s this time of year you type “how to stay awake during halloween” and come across this thing.

And then all hope is lost.

What the fuck is this shit? Did the people who made this think this would be a good movie, even for the late 80s? I see the director has never been involved with anything again – maybe he felt The Shame out of making something as bad as I did in my intro. The acting is deplorable, I couldn’t tell if that’s their real voices or if they are dubbed, if that’s their real voices I… I… : ( The actors are not the least bit charismatic, the killer is stupid, the noises are irritating, the sounds effects are deafening and there is nothing at all charming about this to make it one of those things that I like when I shouldn’t. I know girls don’t fart but, if you’re a guy, you know how sometimes you sit down in your own fart and it’s kind of – well – *shrugs* I’m sure you’re not supposed to like it but hey, you know. Come on. I didn’t like this at all, not even in that way.

Uhhhh – some prisoner is getting the gas chamber back in 1960’s America. Before he is gassed he screams that he is the angel of darkness. K. Flash forward to Europe, some ugly girls with bushy eyebrows, bad teeth and manly voices are doing some aerobics. Meanwhile, apparently some sort of ghost is making a lot of loud slurping and growling noises as it approaches the school, cut to aerobics, cut to approaching school, cut to aerobics, cut to the science room, cut to aerobics, bang some doors. Eventually they are done being tortured (through aerobics) by the teacher and the radio explodes and oozes acid. What. The teacher is walking down the hall, doors are banging, she is walking, doors bang, there’s an old dude listening to a record, the ghost slurps and growls, the teacher shuts a door. Somehow the ghost of this man is a rubber rat-like thing. What. This was like someone’s bad memory of a bad dream they might have had one time when they should have just spent their time thinking about chicks in leg warmers and working on that ejaculate.

Elsewhere….

With a title like that and a poster like this I am sure the only people that are going to watch this are looking for one or two things… that girl without her bikini on or a bunch of gore. Well, that person would be disappointed because there’s not much of either, but surprisingly this wasn’t AS bad as I figured it would be, but that could also be because the last movie I watched was The Stay Awake. I italicized that not because I remember any rules regarding the naming convention of titles or anything like but for emphasis on THAT’S the last thing I watched before this.

In this there are seven or eight girls running around in their two pieces, even having a soapy water fight, while some deranged killer offs them one by one in a run down gas station But this film doesn’t really have much else for it, aside from being shot with a nice camera. Why is this guy so angry? Why does he howl so much? Why is he killing these people? Why doesn’t everyone just run away? Why is there actually gas in that shitty, old, run down, useless, derelict gas pump? Why does he have such a nice ice machine? Where does he get the water to produce such nice ice? Who is he providing ice for? Is he chilling the juice for our PTA meeting? If so, let’s go back a few questions; why is he so angry? Is no one *ahem* remunerating him for his hard work? Would he not just be better off making his ejaculate out in the woods or on that rusty gas pump and relieving himself of so much hostility?

The story: a dorky dude sets up a bikini car wash to make money for something – but to really hang around these hot chicks in their bathing suits. He gets his tough guy buddy to drive them there in the school bus (??) and, of course, on arrival it breaks down. While he fixes it, the girls soap up, wash some cars, one of them has sex with some dude, a French couple are murdered and no one really notices, the guy that got lucky sex dude is murdered, then the sun goes down and most of the rest of them go down too. There’s is no explanation why this guy is doing this, or why he puts them on ice, or anything really, just some barely clothed girls running around screaming and then they are among the deceased. K.

Here’s that bikini girl from the poster being scared and cold:

And, since we’re talking about people in bathing suits and I don’t want this to be some smut filled place, here’s a dude in his suit:

Burt Lancaster?? Why, mother scratcher, why??? You ask. Well, for one thing, I don’t know what people who like to look at dudes in undress like to look at. Another – like James Garner, I think Burt is manly. Another, you lucky devils – foreshadowing. ♪ ♫ ♪ foreshadowing ♫ ♫ ♪

THE STAY AWAKE FILED UNDER: WORSE THAN THE DRAFT BEER SHITS

BIKINI GIRLS ON ICE FILED UNDER: CRAP