The other day the time changed (that’s a thing in the U.S.) and the dogs woke me up super early – which is not what I had told them to do the night before – so, being the nice and benevolent husband that I am, I quietly snuck them out to do their morning business, fed and gave the cat his insulin and then clothed myself in the silentest way possible. Please note that I did not do any of the above in the nude, although it is my property and I can do as I wish, but, I did not because not only am I silent and kind but I am also classy as fuck. We should probably remember that for some point later in this post because I’ll need to do some sort of circular reference noting a fine example of just how classy I am so let’s put a superscript on this fucker. ¹

So I was up and had nothing to do so I put on HBO MAX because I wanted to watch or at least get started on Malignant but it was nowhere to be found (and neither was anything else really for that matter) so I looked for a series and I figured my time was going to be up soon so I just turned on Game and put on the first episode to see what happened. Now – I’ve seen them all – I’ve never read a word of the books even though we own them – I’ve seen them all and for the most part I remember them all but – what is it? – nine seasons is a lot to hang on to, so I’ve probably forgotten a lot. I do remember the last season and, while I didn’t really care too much any more at the time, I didn’t think it was that great but I didn’t wail my fucking brains out on twitter about it. I mean 1) jesus christ it’s just a show and I guess those fuckers forgot how big True Blood used to be and how shitty it got and 2) man – 98% of the time twitter is just as bad or worse than the IMDB message boards used to be but there are more of them out there.

I wonder what I can say here anout this thing….

I guess, if you haven’t seen any of these, Blogferatu, and you’re looking to avoid spoilers, I would start off by saying that: it’s HBO so: rape, incest, rape incest, murder, baby-cide, kids milking mom’s teets in their teens, lurid butt sex, dog-cide, dad-cide, weener-cide, more incest and rape, eyeball-cide, people turning into rocks, wife-cide, shitting, people turning into lizards, did I mention peni-cide and more rape and lurid anality are all in order and a lot of that starts off pretty early. I’ll try to avoid spoilers but, after nine long years of the above mentioned strong and poignant plot points, there’s gonna be some character development characters killed for no reason but to boost viewers and encourage twitter masses to raise a fuss characters dying.

Watching episode one for the first time in a number of years, I came to these significant conclusiosns:

You’re dead.

You’re dead.

You’re dead.

You’re raped.

You’re dead.

You get your dong cut off and forced to eat it.

You rape your sister.

You’re dead.

You’re dead.

You’re dead.

You’re raped.

You have nothing to do with anything basically the entire fucking show and – well – that might be a big spoiler.

You’re dead.

You’re dead.

You’re dead.

All of those fucking people are dead (I think)

I think that covers some of the sticky notes that must have been on the big drawing board when the showrunners were plotting out ten years of this thing and its growth.

The plot here? A man sees some dead people. A door opens somewhere and some men in furry outerwear ride off on horses to do something. It turns out they’re looking for those dead people in order to kill them (I think) because they’re supposed to stay alive and live behind the wall that door opened up in earlier. But now all of these dead people are gone and something with glowy blue eyes rises up out of the snow and kills some of those men in furry outerwear but leaves one to run off screaming into the hills. If you watch what is probably one of the top ten opening credits / themes in the history of opening credits / themes and pay any attention to the rest of the series, this big wall seems to be a loooooooooooooooooong way away.

Elsewhere, a bunch of people in leathers and furry outerwear are practicing archery when one of them is summoned to go kill the guy who ran off screaming earlier. I mentioned the distance a few sentences and poor writing ago because I think that should’ve taken that poor fellow a couple of years to get there by foot but I am probably wrong or missed something which wouldn’t be uncommon. Anyway, the character and actor who was CLEARLY marketed as the big star of the show says something wise like “He who passeth the law enforeceth the law” and lops the guy’s head off. I use that “clearly” because that comes into place around the 4th episode and I remember those IMDB users spending hours and hours and hours arguing over (something) when it happens to the guy who cut that guy’s head off.

Hey look! I found a picture of those dead people I talked about eariler:

Note: one of those dead people in the picture above becomes the undead girl in the picture above that.

Anyway – elsewhere – a woman is getting sold off in marriage to a guy who leads a group of guys who ride horses all over the place and do a lot of grunting.

Elsewhere – a guy who helps the king of all of the lands is dead so the king of all the lands and his family head off to the guy-who-cuts-people’s-heads-off-for-disobeying’s town.

While there, someone in his family does a lot of drinking and fucking and someone else fucks his sister then throws a kid out of a high window. “The things we do for love,” he remarks, casually, committing apparent murder on the guy-who-cuts-off-people’s-head’s kid.

Along the way, a handful of people murmur the words “Winter is coming…” which may be a portent for something coming that I won’t spoil because of how culturally protective and non-polarizing I am.

Joviality aside, this is actually a pretty good piece of TV. Aside from the ample nudity, incest and child killing, you can tell a lot of money was put into this which would take a big commitment from the folks at HBO who said (probably) “Looks good guys, add some more raping, incest and shocking murder.” “Oh, and add some penis eating.” Obviously this would go on to make billions of dollars and shit and and all of that and it was always good to see a new episode and a new opening sequence. Am I ever going to do another one of these? Maybe. Maybe not – I’m so slow at doing anything. I feel like I should because I spent so much time on the goddammed landscape for this post but it might take me as long to do this whole season (much less series) as it should have taken that guy to get from the wall, screaming his head off before he got to the place where someone chops off his head. I mean, it’s not inconceivable but….

FILED UNDER: THEY ALMOST MADE IT TO THE HAPPY ENDING (but I might have to think of something else if I do more of these).

FILM MIASMA TRIVIA BONUS!!!!” When you look at (or watch) actors, do you ever see some that you think just look smelly? For me it’s always been Brendan Gleeson (I love him btw), Paul Giamatti (who I like but can take or leave) and Sean Bean, featured here. I feel like there’s someone else I’m forgetting though. Oh! Brian Cox! (Great actor!)

I almost forgot my superscript!

¹ see how classy I am? Not one picture of boobs, butts, or a mention of penis eating! Wait! Fuck!