Seeing as how it’s December and we, by that I mean ” I “, just finished up our / my big fall line up of things I had lined up for fall and step into the winter, let’s do some quick reflecting. I had a blog I worked on a long time ago but I eventually quit because there were too many shitbags hanging around. A year or so ago I started this new one up so I could be creative again and have fun and, at the time, someone was going to help me out out here from time to time because she has always been a good friend but that never panned out but she’ll always be a part of The Team because I am loyal and patient and wait for her return.

That said – if you ever wanted to contribute something here, you could. There’s no money or glory but you can get your tits out, so to speak, if you wanted and have some fun. Or not – I totally understand that.

Also, when I fired this thing up I wanted to do a Christmas themed horror deal and, guess what? I didn’t! I thought I could write more often like I used to but my brains determined that I wanted to write better than I did before – you could even say quality over quantity but I FULLY realize that neither of those can be found here. Less quantity is probably a good enough effort.

In any case, let’s see if we / I can – uh – um – emit some Christmas shit this time around and see if Santa Claus approves.

Has anyone seen this? I bet Blogferatu has (confirmed – it’s on his list!). And Wednesday’s Child (although, not confirmed there, but there is something called Devil Fetus). I though this was great! Well – the movie itself was fantastic but the quality was piss poor. Well, wait. Maybe it wasn’t fantastic but it sure deserves some mention by someone. I know this: if I had seen this when I was a kid, this would have scared the shit out of me. For real. If it wasn’t for the surprisingly bloody and unexpected kills in this thing, then the whole terribly colored sepia flashback of the hopelessly and criminally insane maniacs storming that house would have given me serious nightmares. They might still, who knows?

I don’t think I can do any sort of write up on this without giving something away so:

spoilers ahead – wheeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Large, isolated house in the country? YES

Loud, creepy organ music to open? YES

Man on fire? YES!

“Silent Night” sung over the credits by a creepy little kid? YES!

Mary Woronov as good looking twenty something? YES!

Escapee from an Institute for the Criminally Insane? YES!

The quality of the film I’ve seen is absolutely terrible and the sound is pitiful, but the story plays out excellently and there’s even an I can’t believe that’s what’s going on here moment towards the end. I am glad I can say that I’ve seen this (even though the experience was difficult) and I think this is a must see if The Masochist The Benevolent Reader is into some early 70s Drive-In Slasher material.

Is it ok to say smooch smooch on Woronov?? Is it? IS IT??

We open to Woronov walking through the woods, doing some voice-over about some house in the country. Wilfred Butler lived here, you see, alone and sad, see, until one Christmas Eve he committed suicide by catching himself on fire and burning himself to death! Queue up come eerie still shots of his family and various other things inside the house, his funeral and some creepy, deep bass voice-over about the coroner declaring his death self-implemented and that his estate has been left to his grandson Jeffrey Butler.

Cut to twenty years later and a old-man lawyer and his hot, young lover show up in town to sell the estate in Jeffrey’s name. For 50,000 dollars! WHAT? 50 Grand? Sheesh! He meets with the weird contingent of the townspeople proper (the mayor, the sheriff, the phone operator, the doctor and someone who can’t speak) and they agree to buy the house but need to scare up some money. The lawyer and his hot piece of ass decide to go stay in the house, forsaking the Paradise Inn motel and have a nice dinner with some wine – little do they know there’s a first person POV escapee from the Asylum skulking around upstairs!! oooooohhhhhhhhmyyyyyyyygaaaaaaawwwwwwwwdd! Right when they finally start getting it on (“The best part of pleasure is the anticipation of pleasure” says he) the killer busts in and chops them up with an axe!!! WHAT? There go our two main characters?? Offed at 20 minutes?? You don’t see that very often…. this must have been made by those guys who did Game of Thrones.

Just look at that wallpaper!

Elsewhere, a strange man is looking at his broken down car. Woronov drives by and, instead of giving him a lift, she gives him the finger and throws a whiskey bottle at him. He loads his shotgun and vows to kill every man, woman and child in this godforsaken fucking town! (those last two plot points might not have actually happened) Cut to the telephone office and Tess, the telephone operator ( ! ) , gets a call from the Butler Estate! “I’m baaaaccckkkkkk….” the voice gurgles. “Come see me, Tesssssssssss….” She’s terrified! She tells the only cop in town! Over at the Woronov house, she’s preparing dinner for herself and her dad when someone knocks on the door! She whips out her firearm and yells “Who’s there??” “Jeffrey Butler,” he coldly replies but she lets him in anyway. “Sorry for the gun, there’s an escapee from the mental asylum on the loose, don’t you know.” “I didn’t know,” he replies and they have a drink toasting “Here’s to a fast dollar.”

Soon, Jeffrey needs to get to his house for some reason instead of trying to ball in that 70s drive-in fashion, so she decides to go with him, even though he’s obviously the escaped mental patient. Elsewhere, everyone is getting the axe! Blood is spilled all over the place! As everyone is getting killed we learn that ~ MAJOR SPOILERS ~ OMG – Wilfred Butler built this estate for his family, then his wife died and he had – um – love with his daughter who birthed his child and then she contracted T.B. so he decided to turn his house into – yes! – a lunatic asylum and brought in all of the best MDs from around the country but they were gluttons and just ate all of his fucking food and drank his wine for fuck’s sake can’t a guy just run a mental institution from his fucking attic for shit’s sake?

Feeling terribly guilty about impregnating his own daughter, he shipped his grandson / son out to California and let all of the maniacs loose and they killed everyone! They actually caught him on fire and sent him out in the snow that Christmas Eve and then even killed his daughter / lover for good measure!! Or did they!! What’s going on??!! Jeffrey Butler’s grandpa is his dad!!  The people running the town are the escaped lunatics from twenty years ago!! The escapee from the beginning of the film is Wilfred!! HOLY SHIT THIS IS AWESOME!! Jeffrey kills the mayor! The dying mayor kills Jeffrey!! Wilfred confronts Woronov, thinking she’s his daughter he knocked up so long ago!! “YOU’RE ALIVE, MARY ANN!! YOU’RE ALIVE!!” Sure enough, she picks up the shotgun and blows him to smithereens and she’s the only one left, screaming and wailing. Queue up her walking in the woods doing voice-over about some house and that fateful Christmas Eve day… see paragraph one!! OMG! SHIT!

I guess I’ll file this under THE BOOBS THAT TIME FORGOT even though there’s probably a better way. Maybe I’ll think up something clever like: DON’T FUCK WITH THE CHRISTMAS SPIRIT or something much better than that.

Actually – I think I’ve decided on this (for the time being) – what do you think?

I actually made something else that I like more but I thought this postcard would be more fitting for this post, aesthetically and all. Maybe I’ll print some of these up and mail them to you for your memory boards. Or your scrapbooks. Or to put on your mantle over the yule log. Or to stick in the frame of your mirror when you are forlornly brushing your hair for an hour before bed.

FILED UNDER: FILM MIASMA’S CHRISTMAS CHEER