AHHHHHHHH – Silent Night, Deadly Night…. one of my childhood favorites! Do you know that I actually saw this at a Drive – In? No lie! The last one I ever went to. So, yep, saw this at the Drive – In when I was a kid and forgot about it until about ten years ago when it finally got released on DVD and now I watch it when I can, since I don’t really have a working DVD player. I have a DVD drive in an old laptop I don’t use that often but – hey – I’ll take it when I can get it. Have you seen it? This has it all – blood – stabbings with a box knife – gratuitous boobs – impalement by stag antlers – horrible nuns – orphans – snow – a toy store – groping the secretary. The same kind of shit that went on at the school Christmas party when I worked at that school. Oh – did I tell you? I got laid off in a totally avoidable budget deficit. Fuckers. I got the axe! Right before Thanksgiving, even. Happy holidays to all of us.

Back in the Drive-in days, it’s Christmas Eve and Billy and his family are on their way home from visiting Grandpa in the insane asylum. There, the crazy, old catatonic, Koren War survivor had come out of his coma and threatened Billy that Santa punishes naughty boys so he’d better watch his fucking ass. Adding also, “I didn’t fight ten thousand Chinamen to watch you grow up and be a pussy” (He might not have said that part). Sure enough, that night, the family stops to help a dude sporting a Santa suit on the side of the road and – yep – Santa guns down the dad and kills his mom right there in the street. Luckily Billy found a place to hide (somehow, in plain sight, to bear witness to the various acts of violence) and he and his baby brother survive the ordeal. Whew!

A number of years later, he’s a fucked up little kid at an an orphanage run by the bastardly Mother Superior who isn’t afraid (of Chinamen or) to dole out some bare ass whippins when a bare ass whippin’ is good and fucking called for. You see, ever since that night, when Billy sees Santa, he free-associates it like Freud’s son with the death of his parents, so he’s not really into that whole Christmasy, Santa horseshit. On the eve of his bare ass whippin’, below, the orphanage had a Santa over to dish out some presents. Mother Superior tried to set him on Santa’s lap so he clocked him a good one and bloodied the man’s nose. Kids today! Or — Yesterday! No Respect! I think he also got another ten swats for wearing that hairdo.

As it goes in these things, small and fractured Billy grows up be a hulking man-beast. An 80s style man-beast – not the kind of guy who would go around wearing jeans that come down to just above his penile to show how chiseled his place above his penile is. We’re talking muscles all over the place. Anyway, muscles and all, he’s sweet and innocent and good with the kids at his job at the toy store until, oh fuck, it’s Christmas and he has to be the store Claus this year. That’s probably not gonna end up good for anyone.

And it sure doesn’t. Before too long he snaps and starts getting his murder on. Strangle. Stab. Hammer. Impale a half naked Linnea Quigley on the stag mounted on the wall. (Jeez remember when she looked like that?) (♪♫Trash is taking off her clothes again! ♫♪) You know – the good stuff. Before those assholes made shitty mumblecore fashionable for being stupid shit, he mumbles the word “naughty…” and then CHOP! “Naughty…” AXE! “Naughty. Here’s deez.” “Deez what?” “Deez nuts!” HAMMER! And soon he’s headed back to the orphanage… to finish things off once and for fucking all. “I’ve got you fucking chinamen right here!” He ends the movie, breaking that wall, staring at the camera and pointing his thumbs at his unshaved, 80’s crotch.

And that’s how we roll.

FILED UNDER: FILM MIASMA’S CHRISTMAS CHEER