Hey! Post number 3 of my Christmas Cheer 2021 attempt. WOO! I’m rolling. It’s almost like a goddammed advent calendar except there are no goodies, prizes or even coal. Well…. if anything, I suppose it would be as the booby prize or the lump of coal in your sock. But, hey, at least I try. Believe it or not, for 30 or so years I’ve said that’s what I want on my tombstone:

[NAME REDACTED]
AT LEAST HE TRIED

But I’d be dead and I guess it would be up to whoever is left hanging around that wanted to bury me in a hole and not toss me in some ditch. I didn’t make that one up – a few years back that’s something my brother in law said (something like) “When I die you can just throw me in a fucking ditch.” I mean, like that’s what his parents or sister would want. “Oh no. [NAME REDACTED]’s dead (crying all around).” “I guess we better go put him in this ditch. I think I saw a nice gully over off of 174th last week.” Plop.

Sheesh. Where were we getting to?

I totally love the 1984 Silent Night, Deadly Night. Have I posted that yet? Yes! And while this is a reboot (that term should be thrown in the fucking ditch) this really has jack shit to do with the original except for the crazy grandpa scene and a very little bit at the very end. I remember when this first came out – technically I remember when both of the movies mentioned here first came out so there – and the bloggy people I followed back then hated this. I guess I get it. I guess. Don’t people like things more modern sometimes? I’m not trying to take some stand or something but, I mean, come on, sometimes things could use some fresh air up their skirts. Or their trousers, we’re not picky here. I’m not saying this was the best movie in the fucking world but hey, c’mon, let’s have a little fun. Did you like the My Bloody Valentine re-do? I did – I loved it. Lighten up. ‘I HATE IT I HATE IT!” That sounds like me bitching and crying at my fantasy football draft out in the fucking heat. “CRY CRY CRY!!” I wailed. “I have to poop!”

I also like that Black Christmas from 2009 (?)– a lot. It was squishy and fun. The new one with all of the SJWs wasn’t so much but I gave it a shot. I don’t need a goddammed lecture. Cool it already. Anyway. I though this was kind of awesome. It’s very bloody, it’s got good action, it’s got Jaime King (mistletoe kisses) (from me), maybe you don’t like nudity but there’s a fun sequence where a chick runs around half naked for a good minute (sorry SJW) , there’s an awesome wood chipper scene that’s as excellent as the one in dum ta dum – Tucker and Dale AND – I have never liked Malcolm McDowell in my entire life – but he’s pretty fucking funny in this thing.

In the original, a boy witness the rape and death of his parents by a guy in a Santa Claus outfit. He is then mentally fucked up and spends his life in an orphanage. Eventually he goes crazy and starts killing off people who have been naughty. In this one we open with a woman bound up and screaming and a guy wired up with Christmas lights in the basement. A man puts on his Santa outfit, complete with creepy mask, goes down to the basement and electrocutes the guy for having an affair with the lady upstairs.

He then goes after everyone else: a bitchy little girl, some porn folks, the pedophile priest, teens who like to do The Sex – you know – everyone, while King and McDowell try and track him down. I was sold on this from start to finish but I REALLY enjoyed the slo-mo sequence in the mayor’s guest house. You can always get me going with some effective slow motion.

What else can I say? Don’t fuck up! Don’t do it! Don’t Do It! Is it time for another diagram? Or maybe even a tasteful nude??? O happy Christmas! Let’s see here…

I think that might be my best work yet! If you want to use that at your work – maybe on your office wall or your cube – feel free! I think I set it up so you can make it bigger – I think. I wonder if we could make it into wrapping paper? Think Hallmark or Bloomingdale’s would sell it? Maybe that’s how I could make some money. Are those two stores even around any longer? If you have any contacts let me know – maybe we could split the profits.

FILED UNDER: FILM MIASMA CHRISTMAS CHEER