What’s this? I can’t even get a decent movie poster for this thing? Why does no one fucking like me? I guess I’ll have to go make my own for fucks sake. Let’s see what kind of poor job I can do here. I’m sure this is miserable and Tommy Wirkola would be ashamed of me but this is what I did:

I thought we’d start the new year off with a good Fuck yeah, Son! movie because that’s always a good way to start a new year, right? The first time I saw a trailer for this I thought it looked kind of suspect (or is it ‘suss’ now) (or even “sus” which makes less sense spelling wise) (wouldn’t ‘sus’ be ‘sous’?) (I don’t fucking know. It was probably named that by whoever keeps making all of those memes people share all over the place with such bad spelling).”been waitin on food for 20 minute and she watchin tv. This sus.” = 1.4 million shares of a guy sitting at a table on the left and a cat looking at a TV on the right. I just don’t understand it.

But, when this popped up I saw a dubbed blond girl and some dubbed bald dude telling her he was going to kill her. It looked really lame and then one day Tom said he thought I might like it so then I saw it was Noomi Rapace (who I smooch smooch and didn’t recognize her with blond hair) and made by Tommy Wirkola (who I guess I smooch smooch his filmmaking ways) and turned off the dubs and – dum ta dum dum ta dum -:

Look at me discovering I had a shitload of fonts in this software well after I gave up trying to make my poster look good. I’m so smart!

Man, this was fucking great! I wish I was the only person who ever saw it so we could be close secret keepers and you and I could hang out every now and then and not tell anyone and we’d have this bond just between the two of us and one of us could say something like “ha ha ha he must’ve snuck those pool balls in there up his ass hahahahahah I love you” or “that’s the guy from dead snow 2 who complained about his jacket getting stolen hahahahah remember that one i love you”. Or something like that. “Dad, I just killed a guy by shooting him in the dick.” “I’m proud of you son” “hahahaha you quote the best”.

But it never seems like good things can stay secret for too long. Years and years ago I was subscribed to this periodical and not really anyone else was and then someone mentioned it in a movie and it went super popular and then it got SO FUCKING LAME that I quit my subscription and subscribed to something else. One day I read something in there that I call ‘the goat fucker joke’ and – being a guy who doesn’t usually hear many jokes, much less relay them, I told a few people and, seven or eight years later, someone told it to me last Friday at my birthday dinner. SIGH. I wanted to point a loaded flare gun at him and like she’s doing above and say something witty like ‘that’s my joke mother fucker. you take it back or I’ll stick some sunshine up your ass.” but I didn’t because he’s one of my oldest friends and instead we just ate steak and shrimp and had a nice time.

Back to the movie. Why can’t even find one good still? Every single one I see is the same thing. I know other people have seen it because I’ve read other blogs about it. Here’s something:

I remember reading somewhere that someone thought it was too violent. UHHHH – I didn’t think so at all. I promise I’m not making fun of another blogger because one rule of this blog is “you can only make fun of me” (or the greeks) but – UHHHH no….? Sure it’s bloody but it’s comically bloody. Have you seen any other Wirkola movies before that Monday thing? I thought this thing was fucking hilarious and all of the practical blood effects were – HMMMM – FUCK YEAH!

I also read either there or somewhere else that they thought the poop scene was too much. UHHHHH – well – they didn’t actually show someone physically shitting. I’ve seen much, much, much worse shitting on youtube on accident. People shitting down gutters in big cities, people just shitting anywhere, etc. Homeless blight! That shit. At least the pooping here had a purpose, so to speak. And a cause and effect, so-so to speak. Not just random and vile ‘number threes’ like you would probably see in those Vomit Doll movies. Sack up, friend! A poop joke here and there’s ok.

You can read in any synopsis there that this couple is going on a trip. Turns out they each want to kill the other one. The guy thinks the wife is a cheating slut who likes to take dick instead of her acting cues and the wife just hates the guy. Things are relatively normal, blood and poop free until these three escaped criminals show up and they’re pretty fucking funny. Well, a lot of it is pretty funny. That neighbor – the dad and his shitty knees, the guy with the horse dick. It’s all just normal Wirkola stuff. I think the only thing we missed in this one was around 700 feet of intestines. I LOOOOOOVED it.

FILED UNDER: FUCK YEAH, SON!