Since I’m currently not employed, I’ve had a lot more free time on my hands (unwillingly) to do some movie watching AND since I’m not made of money and can’t go renting things all day, I have to kind of dig deep into the free shit on prime or netflix SO I remembered this movie from a few years ago called Two Step and it was free so I gave it another look AND THEN this thing called Riverhead showed up as something other people watched after they watched that, even though I find that hard to believe BUT it was also free so I gave it a look AND I liked them both BUT these will certainly not be for everyone OR I doubt even anyone who reads this blog BUT these were certainly good time killers EVEN if nothing really happens in either one of them BUT these do show how good movies can be made even with no money while companies still put out shit like that nauseating 6 Underground (how much did that thing fucking cost) SO I didn’t think I could probably put together full reviews of either of these EVEN THOUGH no one needs too many of my words in the first place BUT I want to have them on my blog BECAUSE it’s my little place out here SO, dripping in my eternal public shame, HERE we go:

TWO STEP (2014)

I doubt you’re going to like this one unless you’re from the south-ish in the U.S. (or just like these types of things). It takes place in Texas and only involves a handful of people who I think all acted considerably well. There’s a youngish kid who just dropped out of Baylor and inherited some money, the wow-she-really-was-great-but-she-might-not-be-your-cup-of-tea neighbor who’s just trying to help (well, holy shit, I just went to get the actress’ name for this post and saw she’s been in a LOT of shit – I guess, most notably maybe, in Sabrina) and the angry fellow who just got out of the joint. Someone owes someone money and someone else has some money and someone’s just kind of trying to get stoned and not get laid by a married cop. Whoever played Webb’s girlfriend was also pretty fantastic but this is really probably only geared to a certain group of people, who I kind of named above.

I would like to point out that I thought the directing on this was pretty fantastic and whoever edited it did a GREAT job. I think it was the director himself but haven’t fact checked myself so I could be wrong but – good job team! I’ll buy you a beer when I get a new job and a new paycheck!

There’s also a line dancing scene and even though I don’t do it because I would humiliate myself more than I do twice a week out here, I like line dancing. If you’ve seen them, this is probably for people who like: Bad Turn Worse, Cut Bank, Galveston, and maybe even Red Rock West. You could probably toss in After Dark, My Sweet but this has way less sex, no palm trees and no Bruce Dern sniveling up the screen. Here’s another picture for posterity:

RIVERHEAD (2016)

Let’s just go ahead and get this next part out of the way:

Do you know what I know about Newfoundland? Jack fucking shit. Probably a little bit less than I know about the UK except for that’s where Doctor Who lives. And that everyone who lives in England lives in a house or cottage out on some moors or in some hills and probably have a bunch of sheep roaming around on cobblestone streets. Oh – and Scotland! In Scotland doesn’t everyone live by the cliffs, in the fog and go around drinking fermented wine out of sheep stomachs? Just kidding, I’m smarter than that. I actually have what I would call a good friend (on lovely FB) who lives in Scotland from the old blogging days. Every year on my birthday he decides to post a message telling me not to be a cunt. True story!

What else? Oh – the Irish! Here we are then. In this movie – well wait – I want to go ahead and say that I think this is a good movie and I quite liked it. I didn’t like it as much as Two Step but I don’t feel like I wasted my time at all. NOTE: Not much happens in this one either though. But going back a couple of sentences ago, in this thing, some Canadian / Irish guys (I couldn’t really tell) hate some other Canadian / Irish guys (I think) and it has to do with some of that Irish v Catholic stuff that’s been going on for so long (I think).

I hate to keep using the term “I think” but I need to because there’s also this: let’s guess that there are around 300 lines of dialogue in this and out of those 300 lines, let’s say, maybe 900 sound complexes that my ears hear and my brains try to comprehend. Out of those complexes, I figure I maybe understood about 40% of them, probably less. And most of those probably came from the daughter character who’s not in it for too long. Also – one thing – if you’re interested in this and sensitive to the slang word “Mick”, you might look elsewhere. That’s kind of where I got to the conclusion that these were Irish fellows arguing at each other.

The story? An older guy does logging and his daughter likes this other guy who does logging. One night, the two young folks are out in the cold and some angry other youths start a fight (I think because of that Irish v Catholic thing) (I think). The older logger yells at the angry youths and soon enough someone’s dead. It’s actually a lot better than that shitty synopsis I put together but that’s the jist of it. Here’s one last pic for the day of two of the actors, one of which has an excellent fucking ‘stache:

I wish I could grow a moustache like that but my facial hair is basically red and thin and the times I’ve tried to do my beard into a moustache it looks really, really bad. In fact, one last pic for the day, it probably looks similar to this rendering:

(BOTH) FILED UNDER: THEY ALMOST MADE IT TO THE HAPPY ENDING