aquaslash (2019)

I watched this thing maybe three days ago and I’ve been trying to think of ways to talk about it besides: well – if you really want to know look at the very bottom of this post I guess, so I don’t spoil things. Since I really can’t think of anything smart to say about this, I’ll try and put something clever together even though we all know it won’t be but here goes…

“I worked at a water park when I was a teenager. Boy did I have a good time picking up chicks – that lifeguard gig was the best. I never got laid so much in my life. If you ever dreamed about pounding one out in The Lazy River, I gotta tell you, brother, it’s the real deal, man. Also, man, we took so many ‘ludes your balls would fall off. I mean, not my balls, man, but yours would. Hey wait, THIS park only has three fuckin’ slides? What the fuck? Did they just fly one of those fuckin’ drones over something and then film everything in a model in someone’s pool? What a gyp, bro. I wouldn’t pay three cents to go to that thing. A graduation party? To see who can slide fastest?? Uh. Pass.” ~ Billy “Beer Can Weiner” Soli, Class of ’86

“Wait a sec… this water park has hotel rooms?? With Jacuzzis in it?? UM. No water theme park in the history of water themed parks has overnight stay rooms built into it. Who wrote this? You go to one of these to swim when it’s a hundred and ten fucking degrees outside and then go home and get drunk. You don’t bring the family to stay the night and get our industrial chlorine all over the sheets and carpet to ruin them in five minutes. Sure, that might be good to clean up the jizz but no. That’s stupider than only having three slides. Or throwing a graduation party at a water park to see who can slide fastest.” ~ Albert C Millimetre, Principal Owner of Millimetre and Sonnes Properties LLC, Manitoba, CA. Now deceased by toy pistol gunshot. Survived by 45 year old theme park lifeguard who releases graduates from their burden of virginity.

*Whistles* “Man that lifeguard chick with the walkie talkie sure had somw Low Hanging Torpedoes!” ~ my old manager at the restaurant I worked in for years.

“YAY BABY! YEAH FOR SURE I JUST GRADUATED HIGH SCHOOL AND I WANT TO SLIDE AND I WANT TO SLIDE FAST AND SLIDE NOW! YEAH BABY! WANT TO SEE MY MOVES I MADE UP FOR OUR GROUP SLIDE, EH?” (shaky shaky shaky shaky) “DO YOU LIKE MY MOVES, BABY?? HUH HUH? SEE MY TITTIES, YOU HOSER, EH?? I JUST WANT TO SLIDE AND SLIDE NOW!! BABY BABY!! EH??’ ~ Olivia Emma Maria Charlotte Maple Leaf, alleged recent graduate of nearby high school, cocaine snorter and shoulder mover. Owner of silver medal for “Worst Dance Moves Ever – 2019”.

“OY! YOU DON WAN FUCK WIT ME, EH! SHE SAY MY DICK GOT BUMPS AND MEASLES BUT YOU, EH, SHE DON KNOW! WAN PLAY MOTHA FUCKA, EH? I FUCK YOU UP! SPECIALLY ON THE SLIDES, BRO! YOU SEE, EH? FUCK IT! WAN SEE MY MOVE FO SLIDIN, EH? CHECK IT, BRO!” (shake shake shake, bob and weave) ‘MY BROS GON SLIDE THIS MOTHA DOWN SO FAST YOU OWN MOMS GON SLIDE UP MY DICK FAST, EH!” ~ Jacques La Stereotypicale Litre iii, 30 year old graduate for being stupid and gold star owner of “Worst Dance Moves Ever – 2019”

“Man… you’re really setting the bar low today. Even for yourself.” ~ [NAME REDACTED], Colleague and Professional Blog friend of Film Miasma

*takes breath*

“Oui! You know when you are counting your pile of U.S. Dollars and come across your coins and find, among them, one Canadian penny? ‘Oh what a lucky day this is!’ you shout, opening a Labatts! Despite this film being terribly terrible and non, there is one lucky penny to be found in these grammes of elk remains. You see when the three femmes are sliding as quickly as they can downe the slide and they come across the sharepened pieces of metal that make no commone sense and, despite there being tres youth females, only one of them gets sliced into, how do you say, triangles? Despite all of this, eh, film’s faults, this is at least une piece of, um, good work by the speciale effects teams, no?” ~ Marnie “Stripes” LeMontreal, uncredited extra.

“This movie was awful from beginning to end and made no sense. Someone should give it up to the F/X team and what they did for 30 seconds but that was IT. Even the band who covered Sunglasses at Night stunk.” ~ Someone who (rightfully) wishes to remain anonymous for fear of being associated with this blog.

FILED UNDER: WORSE THAN THE DRAFT BEER SHITS

“This movie was the worst. For real. Much like my ability to write” ~ Film Miasma “There’s even an after the credits scene so….

THIS POST:
WRITTEN AND DIRECTED AND EDITED BY FILM MIASMA
ANY SIMILARITIES BETWEEN REAL AND MADE UP PEOPLE ARE JUST THAT, SO COOL IT HOSER, CATCH MY DRIFT??
NO CANADIANS WERE HURT IN THE MAKING OF THIS PIECE OF SHIT WRITTEN WORK

“So. Wait. Some imbecilic character who has nothing to do with anything in this entire movie except for crying about something and putting a plastic bag on his fucking foot just pops up out of the water at the end of this fucking thing? Is that supposed to be some sort of homage? That doesn’t make any sense. It doesn’t make any goddammed sense.” ~ J Vorhees, popular star of several slasher movies, mostly popular during the 1980s.

4 thoughts on “aquaslash (2019)

  1. Tom

    This was fucking hilarious. “Now deceased by toy pistol gunshot.” lol

    This sounds like it makes that Johnny Knoxville movie, whatever it was — Action Point! — seem like a masterpiece. And speaking of JK, can’t believe they’re bringing back Jackass lol. That’s also going to end up in someone’s demise.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. jeez Tom – this thing was deplorable and I watch some bad shit. I mean – in the scene with the toy gun, someone just walks into some closet and there’s some dead people – it makes no fucking sense.

      I’m think that the Jackass people are or are near my age and I hurt myself a week or so ago jumping over something in my yard. Those guys had better watch their asses! Well – technically I didn’t hurt myself actually jumping but I think the landing did me in and I was sore for a few days…

      Liked by 1 person

    1. It is absolutely terrible and somehow, so is the cover of the song. Somehow, some important Canadian from some ancient period of important Canadian history is putting a curse on everyone involved in this movie from his chair in hell. And I’m not trying to be dramatic, I read that it’s true. It’s that awful.

      #astinker

      Liked by 1 person

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