Amazon really, really, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY wanted me to rent this movie. Every time I turn(ed) it on to see what I would have to do over my breakfast eggs (or pie) before I started applying for my jobs, this was there – RENT THIS it lusted, RENT THIS it stroked me, RENT THIS it massaged my shoulders that ache every time I get up in the morning, RENT THIS YOU’LL LIKE IT YOU DUMB MOTHERFUCKER it patted my butt soothingly, coercively. So I finally looked at the trailer and – goddamn – if it didn’t look pretty decent; independent, some attractive ladies, some good looking special effects, maybe even some of The Devil ( ! ) WOO! So I gave in. I gave Amazon my six bucks (that’s U.S. money – not some of those Euros that I can’t afford) and made a plate of chocolate pie and dug in, both to the pie and this movie.

And? You know, it’s easy for anyone as simple as I am to dog on a movie and I really try not to – when they try. You can watch a movie like Slaughter Daughter where the big, shitty – heh heh heh – for that dumb thing is when the guy eats his own jizz. Or this piece of crap movie called Lake Eerie that goes something like this: an expressionless chick moves in to some old house that was once inhabited by some archaeologist or something and soon she has some haunted necklace or something and her dead boyfriend shows up and makes her make out – expressionless – with some nude woman who is actually a demon or something and then she’s in some other dimension or maybe she’s not and then she has to die to save the archaeologist and drink from some fucking chalice or something and it’s so stupid I didn’t give one fuck and at some point Lance Henrickson showed up for no reason.

Right? But – I do appreciate people who try, even if sometimes things could go a little better which is why I have a system of ‘interpretations’ and one of them is ‘at least they tried’, because it looks like they did. And I think that here, they tried, and they tried pretty hard but, maybe, hey, you know, well, you know it’s, I mean, I hope they all make a jillion dollars off of this but this is my place and my crap so, um yeah, I really do think they tried here.

Much like my long, stupid posts I put out here that someone I love hates most of the time, did this thing really have to be TWO FULL HOURS? Again, not to be shitty but I watched this for a while, took my shit to the sink, looked at some online jobs, watched some more, took the dogs out, watched some more, probably cut a deuce, watched some more, thought about and analyzed the level of work it would take to paint this trim in the bathroom later, watched some more, and then decided to make some lunch so I paused it again and there was STILL 49 minutes left. I’m not exaggerating for effect either. With that said – written – the last 20 minutes of this are pretty cool and we ( I ) could have used some of that during the previous hour and a half. Kind of like these posts some of you read through.

With all of that, I really liked the two lead actresses, the one with the knife up there and another I’ll try and find a decent picture of later but on the other hand, and I’m not trying to be a dick, I just couldn’t buy into the big, gun toting, mad and yelling guy. (Total dick move but) it didn’t help that he looked just like Buster Bluth to me so I could never really picture him being so mean and actually killing someone. Or being so angry. And I don’t think he was really smoking those cigarettes so what was the point of that character trait? I don’t know for sure.

But there’s some good stuff in here and some really good use of practical effects. Are you going to see this? I don’t know but I won’t spoil things anyway. There’s also some shit that didn’t translate to me very well – maybe it was better in the script. Like how the long haired, blond fellow was so angry and mean sometimes but so nice and smiley three seconds later. Or how did that one guy’s character end up so poorly out by the side of that state highway and no one cared or noticed. Also – maybe this was something big I missed but I would have also liked some closure with that lemon tree bit. Did I miss it?

Do I regret things that I’ve done by renting this movie? I don’t! You can’t really do much with six bucks anymore these days so there was most of my day. Hey! You know what? Here’s that lady I was mentioning earlier, maybe two hours ago:

There’s this burger place not too far from where I live. I know now that I’ve gotten older and all of that shit. I’m not some good-looking twenty year old like I used to be (if I ever was) and, it’s ok and no big deal, but I know I’m not the guy someone just sees in a crowd and is all “hey hey – let’s remember that guy” – that’s all right, I’m not being mopey. But – at this place, the lady who’s working there (I think she’s the owner’s daughter or maybe even wife or something) most of the time I go in always seems to remember me and my name. It’s weird because 1) NO ONE has ever really called me by my first name and 2) there’s probably hundreds of people that go through there every day so A) either I’ve still got it or B) there’s some sort of picture or sign behind the counter that says ‘watch out for this fucker’. or something. Anyway, her and the girl above in the yellow look a lot alike so there’s that!

*blows on fingernails and wipes them on collar*

FILED UNDER: AT LEAST THEY TRIED