Yeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh buddy – I don’t get around to watching or writing about these giallos as much as I’d like to – but since I’ve had some free time on my hands lately, I’ve found some I’ve never seen before and this makes me super happy. I mean, I’d be happy to re-watch some of the old ones I’ve already seen too but these things seem hard to come by on the streaming services I use so BOOOOOO you streaming fuckers. Anyway, if you bothered to look at the year this came out in and the wicked sweet poster, I’ll give you a brief abstract of what you can expect in this beauty: First -what do they call them? Pounds Sterling? £ ? ££ ? Right? I don’t know – I just assumed Jon Pertwee made those up so they must be right. What else? Redheads, Peugeots, boobs, sitar music, cyanide (I think) (or was it strychnine?), legs and butts, redheads, bacchanalia, murder, whipping, strippers, people in wheelchairs, foxes, creepy gardeners (?) lurking in bushes and trees, boobs, more sitar, thigh high boots, more £, fainting, seances, boobs, forbidden love, smoking, sulfuric acid and – most notably – a bone ridden skeleton of a lady rising from the dead to haunt YOU. That’s what you get for murdering whores, you prick. How’s that for a short synopsis?
Interested? Of course you are – why wouldn’t you be? This movie is, despite the obvious allegory: the tits.
This starts off with a lengthy sequence of a man running loose in and around the local insane asylum. Is it present or flashback? It’s giallo so – who really knows? Next up, some guy is tugging on some woman’s hair to see if it’s a wig. “It’s my real hair” she says, lighting a smoke. “I’ll give you 500 £ to spend the weekend with me” he coerces before luring her to his dungeon and whipping her to death, while someone’s doing some of that clandestine, shadowy eyeball peeping. Sorry if that’s a spoiler. She may or may not come back from the dead later so….
Minutes later, the man is at a strip club. He likes a dancer! He tugs her hair! “It’s my real hair you handsome, hairy chested man.” She yelps. “I’ll give you 3000 ££ to spend the weekend with me” he coaxes before luring her to his dungeon and whipping her to death, while someone’s doing some of that clandestine, shadowy eyeball peeping. Sorry if that’s also a spoiler. She may or may not come back from the dead later so….
“You need to quit this, you’re ill,” advises his resident, castle dwelling doctor. “You need to get over your dead wife, Evelyn.” “OK,” he responds coolly, drinking scotch and smoking cigarettes. “I’ll go marry someone”. So he swiftly does and they roll back to his castle and promptly meet – which I personally think is the best part of this movie even though it has nothing to do with anything – the five identical looking maids his wheelchaired aunt has hired to serve them.
Here they are again. For real, if I EVER get anything accomplished EVER in a screenplay, I want to include: five identical looking _____________s :
For example – for the two of you that read this place and remember my old script I went on and on about every now and then, instead of the two twin sisters I would now make it five. But back to the story –
So our man gets married and, for some reason, people keep dropping dead. Someone who will not be named gets attacked by a snake used as a weapon and another one gets eaten alive by foxes. And then – SOMEONE RISES FROM THE EMPTY GRAVE TO HAUNT US FROM HELL ITSELF!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!
But, in true giallo fashion, it’s not over! The double cross is on! It’s on like that prickly heat on your nuts in summer! Have I posted that one about that yet? (nope!) In beautiful 70s Italian DP fashion, we get some wonderful interior work and, I don’t know if it was intentional but some well done, sir murder choreography:
BUT IT’S NOT OVER!! We haven’t even got to the TRIPLE CROSS MOTHERFUCKER! Yep. Snap!
I’ve probably seen 40 or so of these things over my tenure of movie watchin’ and this has to be up there with one of my favorites. What Have You Done to Solange, The Bird With the Crystal Plumage, The Fifth Cord and this one. The House With Laughing Windows was fun too but it’s been a long time since I’ve seen it.
FILED UNDER: GIALLO-RAMA