Just look at that wicked new title card the FX people here at Film Miasma put together for this epic event. Fuck yeah! We rock! God damn!

I didn’t know if I’d ever do another one of these but I have some free time to kill and Mrs Film Miasma is out of town so what else do I have to do? I guess I do have to make dinner later and what’s a guy going to eat tonight? How about a can of corned beef hash? Doesn’t that sound fucking great? It’s meat and potatoes at the same time! In a can! I should probably drop some Gas-X before I get started on that supper.

The last time I tried to write one of these I pitted Shang-Chi vs Kung Fu Hustle and they fought to the bitter fucking death with KFH dropping a Buddhist Palm on Shang-Chi and his glows of many colors, leaving him bloodied and smashed into the piss covered stones of Pig Sty Alley. Sorry Shang – go get you a bath in the washtub.

Do the contestants today even have anything in common? We’ll have to see! I think they kind of do! Aside from just the doo-doo they left behind because I didn’t really like either one of them but let’s see how this plays out. Because we must.

First off – why:

In my life of writing about shit I’ve always griped about things like shitty haircuts and bad clothing styles – because they irritate me to death and I find it so distracting that I almost can’t go on. What did these guys base their looks on? Here’s a picture I found regarding 14th century France without looking too hard:

Here’s another one (also no mullets or dyed pubes):

Let’s see if I can make things better before I go make some supper. How does this look?

It looks kind of like one of those fashionable gentleman in the picture above right? That would probably be less distracting than the mullet show we got to see. But on to the movie!

Damon’s character kills some people in a war and doesn’t get what he feels he’s owed. He does take a wife though and one time when he’s out killing more people in a war, she gets put upon by his old best kill-people-in-wars buddy which eventually leads to a big fight to the death in the somehow ALWAYS snow covered lands of France.

Alternatively told from his old best kill-people-in-wars buddy’s perspective, Damon got what he goddammed deserved and shouldn’t be so fucking ungrateful, the stupid hillbilly motherfucker. Plus, his wife wanted what he had to offer that day he came into their compound or whatever, complaining that his horse needed a new shoe. Either way, it eventually leads to a big fight to the death in the somehow ALWAYS snow covered lands of France.

Told from the perspective of Damon’s wife’s character, Damon was a massive dick that couldn’t deliver (or ‘make her happy’) with his weiner and one day when he was out killing people in a war, his old buddy came calling while his horse was getting a new show and he did The Unwanted on her and she got knocked up. “You can only get pregnant if your husband makes you happy’ say some of those French people arguing law. “Since rape isn’t happy making, you must have wanted his French dong after all, slut, and that’s how you got pregnant”, they deduce. This leads to a big fight to the death in the somehow ALWAYS snow covered lands of France.

I don’t know if Scott was trying to make another Gladiator because the last things I’ve seen made by him really suck or what –> but this thing sucked too. And while I thought the blond wife was pretty and seemed nice, I would hardly ever think that this was some sort of amazing performance that deserved big recognition. But what do I know? And Adam Driver… I’ve never seen what the big draw is with this guy. Maybe I saw him whipping on his dong too much on Girls or something…

If you want to follow along with the beautiful idea of this post, please skip to the bottom movie poster and read up!

♪♫♪MUSICAL SEGUE♫♫♫

Eventually there is a Last Duel in The Last Son and – well – I would just hate to spoil things. I’d bet you could put and two together on this one without crossing the Continental Divide in search of someone to kill because you heard somewhere that someone might be out to kill you.

I wonder how this is going to work out?

Elsewhere, Graham (who I normally love) is an olde west-y bar hooker who is really miscast BUT she’s the –> Sam Worthington sperm receptacle that made machine gun kelly and also the love interest for Tom Jane and his irritated army-ness. Also, the daughter, whose murdered dad is NOT the son of –> Sam Worthington has taken off on foot in search of something.

While –> Sam Worthington is out walking his way through the ALWAYS snowy American west, searching for his children to murder (including a daughter who was the best part of this show), his blond haired kid holds up banks, kills people and robs army battalions, irritating Tom Jane. Despite murdering people in cold blood, the kid gets really upset when he sees a dead fox in a trap. “No innocent life should be taken” (or something) he says before tossing the carcass to the ground. “I’m going to kill who’s responsible for this.”

I just looked up the blond haired person who reminded me of the unbelievably irritating Pete Davidson and I guess he’s a rapper who goes by the name Machine Gun Kelly which now irritates my last nerve even more but I’m a professional so we must press on.

Elsewhere, some guy with blond hair who might be the worst actor around town, hears about some guy going around and killing his sons he’s had with strange barroom hookers everywhere and must think “That’s my dad. I better make it my life’s purpose to kill him before he kills me. No matter how many innocent people I have to kill in cold blood, I’ll kill this stranger who has zero possible ways of finding me or knowing who I am since I look nothing like him and I’m one person out of hundreds of thousands of people in a vast country with no telephones or electricity or even roads but I’m going to kill him before he kills me.” “God damn right.“

Sam Worthington plays an outlaw who apparently went around the Olde American West screwing a bunch of whores and making babies with ALL of them. It came across as pretty indiscriminate – weener + female = baby and, apparently, all were going to grow up to kill him. Or – really – one of his seed turned walking human is going to kill him so, from what I can tell, he’s going to ride or walk through the ALWAYS snowy American west – even if it kills him – to kill his kid before they kill him. Again: “I’m going to do everything it takes until my dying, whispering, raspy last breath to kill you before you kill me. I don’t care if it kills me.” “I’ll lie here dying of a bullet wound, in the snow, for days but I’m going to find you and kill you before you kill me.“

I’m ALWAYS in for a good Western – always – and I can usually get suckered pretty easy by a good trailer. Well, this one had that even though the premise seemed pretty flimsy but the snowy scenery and the three second clip of Heather Graham and Tom Jane made it look good even though I had to prepare myself for a movie starring –> Sam Worthington. Honestly, that’s normally a show stopper or at least a show pauser for me but, Western… snow… Gatling guns, Graham, Jane, some snappy music in the clip – looked ok even though –> Sam Worthington, so I gave it a watch and.

DUM TUM DUM RING RING RING CLANG CLANG CLANG HOW DID THIS TURN OUT???

Let’s see. From the looks of things, it appears both movies beat each other up a little, possible because they were so goddammed cold, and their bloody selves limped into their sections of The Octagon, defeated in their own right and not having legs to stand back up.Looking back at the fight footage, we saw Matt Damon attempt to do one of those dances you see at the local Medieval Fair where he kicks out his leg and puts his hands on his hips, Ben Afflack tried on some sandals, and –> Sam Worthington whispered a lot. The girl from Free Guy stuck up for herself, a shrunken Indian head rolled around a little bit and someone complained about a dead fox someone was probably going to use to warm him or herself.

Mercifully, when all hope was lost, Old Henry came in, shot everyone and put this shit to an end.

BOTH OF THESE MOVIES FILED UNDER: CRAP

But they looked pretty!