treehouse (2019)

You know what’s irritating? If you’re going to look this up, it’s listed as a TV show in Hulu’s In The Dark series , so you have to go dig around to find out the year it was actually released to go into your big time title of your post. Know what else? NO ONE IN THE WORLD CAN POSSIBLY KEEP THAT HOUSE THAT CLEAN IN THE WOODSY MOUNTAINS OF SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA. Or probably anywhere else for that matter. What else? Oh – the terrible, terrible concept behind this moving set of pictures trying to force WOKE straight up your asshole. Again. We get it. This has been going on for years and years now. Got it. – HEY! I did watch a good straight up horror movie the other day that wasn’t trying to make me feel bad about watching something – hopefully I’ll get to talking about it soon.

Aside from the irritation that came from almost this entire goddammed thing, I do have to say they had a great costume department. I mean – isn’t she pretty??

I think so.

In this thing, Shaun (or is it Shawn? (or Sean?) Spencer from Psych directs a movie starring the Poyle (Boyle?) brother from Always Sunny who’s going to pay from his fucking crimes against women and minorities. And his sister. Who’s a woman too. And the house cleaner (who’s also a woman). Etc. Poyle is a dick celebrity chef whose had a time doing it with chicks and paying his staff nickels for their hard work. And treats his sister and the family housekeeper like shit.

One weekend, facing shame for (I think) boinking someone he wasn’t supposed to, he heads back to his family home in the mountains to – no wait – his dad died and he’s going back there to reconcile some shit in the cleanest house along or near the Pacific Coast Highway. On the way there he stops to get some smokes at the local bait store and smartasses the local bait shop guy and smartasses some bride to be and her bridesmaids and then smartasses his sister and the maid. That night, the power goes out in the bridal troupe’s nearby bungalow (or something) so he invites them over, cooks them food and then wakes up –> FUCKED. By witches.

“You done me wrong,” says one of them, threatening to shoot a crossbow up his junk

“You done my niece wrong,” says another, dressing him up a woman.

“You even pay the immigrants who milled this flour you used to make your scones?” asks another pouring hot wax on his nipples, degrading him like the bitch he is.

“You never let me play in your treehouse,” says someone else, bringing the title of this movie into play for some reason.

“You think that’s a good flambé, ese?” says another, checking her iPad to see if he stole a recipe.

This goes on for a long time until he finally learns his lesson, see? All of these women have this same tattoo to indicate their coven, see? Poyle is a changed man who will never treat anyone wrong again, see? Including his daughter! And – if he thinks of fucking up for just one second, the ladies with the tattoos are all over the place and’ll cut your dick off right here, right now, see?

This movie is filed under CRAP with an emphasis on CRAP

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