The other day when I was looking for something to watch I came across this thing. I had never seen it and the only thing I knew about it was where I read someone (I honestly don’t remember who or when) but (I think) it was someone I like and respect and they (I’m pretty sure) hated it. That naturally drew me to being interested in it because of that animal magnetism they were talking about so frequently in The Howling (foreshadowing!) not because I wanted to argue or dispute their findings but I’m all about watching crap and doing crap writing about crap movies. I also used to really fucking hate Colon Farrell until I accidentally saw him in In Bruges and now I kind of like the guy and I felt like I needed to watch this – kind of like when you work in a restaurant and drop the food processor on your finger and there’s blood everywhere so you give it a look just to see what your finger bone looks like (it’s gross).
So Dee Dee Melons (my dog) and I gave this a look and it really took three tries over three days because it was so uninteresting but since we’re objective and fair here at Film Miasma let’s be objective and fair.
I’m just a dumb guy and I have absolutely know knowledge of film aside from what I just know but – I’m guessing you’re all familiar with Mamet. In the movies I’ve seen of his, his dialogue is stilted and monotone for the most part, yes? I don’t know why he does it like that but I first noticed it in a movie called Homicide and I really dug what they pulled off there. Again – not a student of the film but I liked it and don’t know why Shyamalany tries to do the same thing in his shit because –> he fails (I still like his movies for the most part). I don’t know what they were going for here – Mamet or not – but, while it seemed cute to me for a little bit, it got really old, at least to me. There’s this one part out in the woods that goes something like this:
Please don’t kill me.
Why shouldn’t I kill you.
Because you’re my dearest friend.
I am not your dearest friend.
You are I think about you a lot.
You like someone else better.
No I do not. It is you.
I don’t believe you though.
What can I do to convince you that your are my dearest friend so you don’t shoot me.
I just can’t believe in these words you tell me because I am of the belief that you like (someone’s name) more than me so I am not your dearest friend and must shoot you.
How would you like me to prove that your are my dearest friend and that I only earlier claimed (someone’s name) was my dearest friend so he could get set aside and away from you my dearest friend so that we could be dearest friends and if it came to this moment or period in time you would not be persuaded to shoot me, dearest friend.
(etc etc etc etc)
l thought it was a novelty at first, dearest friends, but it really wore on me as time went on. And on and on and on and on.
In the first section of this movie there’s this part that I really liked – it’s this super slow motion hunting scene that made me think I would really like this movie after all. I put a video of it above if you feel like watching it. You might also think it’s a pretentious piece of shit and I’ll give you that but remember, I’m trying to be fair and objective here. That was was really about the only thing I liked in this entire piece of work. Oh! Olivia Colman does a little song and dance number in there that made me kind of happy!
Oh! And I kind of liked this lady named Lea Seydoux. I don’t know much about her but looked her up for this piece and I guess she was in Inglorious Basterds which made me remember that last night I had a dream that Quentin Tarantino called me and wanted to buy my script. I don’t know where that came from since I never finished the fucking thing but that reminded me that I’ve been working on a short story now for almost a year and and – for fuck’s sake – I might be getting close to finishing it and might be poking around to see if anyone wants to read it. Maybe – I suppose I couldn’t embarrass myself more than I do out here twice a week. Right?
Back to this thing –
If you’re not familiar – in the world of this movie, if you’re single you get sent of to some hotel to find a partner or get turned into an animal of your choosing. It didn’t really make sense to me because I thought you had to be a certain age or something but there are teenage girls in there. I don’t know what kind of chance you’re given because I never had a real girlfriend until I was in college so I probably would have been turned into a cat back then and never had a chance to meet Mrs Film Miasma. Must not have been my day. Oh – and some of them go around shooting others with tranquilizer darts. I didn’t catch the meaning of that either since they don’t kill them but – I’m dumb I guess.
Apparently it’s also SUPER EASY to escape from this hotel so it didn’t make much sense why that one woman committed panful suicide by jumping out a window (self defenestration!) BUT! If you escape this place that wants you to meet people and mate and not waste your jizz by beating off and join up with this counter es[ionage group of people living in holes in the woods, you can be free BUT you’re not allowed to kiss or they’ll cut your fucking lips off and definitely not allowed to screw so you have to be alone anyway so – good luck, Charlie, I guess. What was that one song? Good Time Charlie Has the Blues?
I was close – here you go:
Sooooooooooo – aside from the hunting scene, I thought this whole thing was pretty goddammed stupid. Oh yeah – the end – — wait for it — so Farrell has escaped the hotel and fallen in love with Rachel Weisz and they want to screw but they can’t so they’re going to escape the escapees out in the woods and Seydoux’s character finds out so she has Weisz blinded so her and Farrell escape anyway into the city and he decides to pop his own eyeballs out with a steak knife. End.
It totally reminded me of this old Steve Martin short story from when I was a kid – the book was titled Cruel Shoes and the entry was “The Gift of The Magi Indian Giver”. I had to look it up since that old paperback is probably up in the attic somewhere but the punchline went like this:
Carolyn hurriedly opened her package staring in disbelief. “Cuticle Frames?! But Roger, I sold my cuticles so I could afford to buy you some shinbone polish!”
“Shinbone polish!” said Roger, “I sold my shinbones to buy you the cuticle frames!” Roger wobbled over to her.
“Well, I’ll be hog-tied,” said Carolyn.
“You will? Oh, boy!” said Roger.
And it turned out to be a great Christmas after all.
That last GIF is about how exciting I thought this thing was.
FILED UNDER: CRAP
P.S. There’s an innocent dog in this so guess what. Will it ever fucking stop.