I don’t think there’s going to be any way to do this without talking about what happens in this movie so – by the time this posts, surely the movie won’t be new anymore and there’s nothing to give away because you’ve already seen it months ago but – I’m going to talk about what happens in here…. because I have to, right? I can’t just got about not running my fucking mouth about something. I mean, I’m only out here to drink beer and talk about the movies I watch. For posterity! For the Arts! For Science! I guess I am still a little peeved I didn’t get some journalism or Police Science award for my Slumber Party Massacre Crime Boards but we all know injustice. It’s an honor just to be nominated, right? I don’t know for sure but I’m positive someone DID nominate me, right? RIGHT???

*waits patiently by the phone*

*listens to analog clock tick*

*goes to sleep*

I suppose that’s enough fucking nonsense – so let’s get on to our business for the day, shall we? Lamb is divided into 3 chapters and we’ll explore them that way, hopefully without too much goddamn mouth running even though sometimes these posts of mine can go long. I would really love to talk to someone else about this but – tonight – when I’m writing this, I don’t know anyone else whose seen it. Cry. Sob. Weep.

Lamb: Chapter 1

It’s a dark and stormy nigh! Something is huffing and puffing through the snow. It’s making snowy, crunchy sounds and breathing heavy. Something enters a barn full of sheep. Later, Noomi Rapace pulls a baby lamb out of a sheep vagina. Is it special effects? I don’t know but that miracle of birth was gross. The adult livestock watch with interest. Were they directed to do that by the AD? Were they unpaid extras? Did someone yell “ACTION!” at them in Icelandic? I don’t know about that either but the movie looks awful pretty except for that whole slippery birthing bit. Later, the beautiful Border Collie alerts them – “something’s wrong” it barks in Icelandic dog sounds. “Come quick!” So they do – the baby sheep has been named Ada and they can’t find it! It’s out in the fog somewhere! Maybe in the river! “FOKK!!” yells someone! But the infant is found! The gently lift the lamb up. It’s foggy and rainy. They carefully pull it out of danger. As the scene cuts away I ask myself over and over – did that baby lamb have pink, human buttocks??

Before we start chapter two, there’s a shot of the lamb in a crib and it has a human arm poking out of its blanket.

“FOKK YES!” I tell myself, loving this movie with all of my heart.

*brief intermission*

Lamb: Chapter 2

From the logline of the movie we know ‘something sinister is at foot” so we KNOW this little thing is going to grow up and be this guy right???? Lust look how happy those kids are!

RIGHT??? OMG that will be so great! Go Iceland go!

In chapter 2, the husband’s brother shows up and the child is revealed. And, by gum, I wanted to love this movie so much and the effects are great and the acting too and so are all of the sceneries and I just love Rapace and hey there’s one of the guys from Fortitude and shit yeah! and – I just had a really hard time staying serious and seriously excited once Ada starts hanging around and making breakfast and playing in the tub and going on tractor rides. And such.

I wanted to love her so much and cuddle her and – wait – she’s probably not going to grow up to be that one guy and what’s so fucking sinister going on today? I mean, I guess it’s sinister that that sheep (ewe?) had a mostly human baby but… I don’t know Icelandic fairy tales or culture but, OK, Sounds cool.

Sweater and overalls? ok. Um – ok – yeah! I get it! Cool! Yep. Is… uh… er… um …. is she going to get older and drive a sports car? Is she going to put on the uncle’s black leather jacket? Smoke his cigs? I. Uh. Ok I’m still in. Come on. Let’s go. Let’s do this thing! We got this! This is going to turn out sinister as fuck!

Oh and – we all know it’s coming so go ahead and get it over with. When is someone going to fucking kill the beautiful dog. Aren’t we over that type of shit yet?

Lamb: Chapter 3

Rapace – out of the blue – does a somewhat erotic love scene. The husband’s brother is banned from the house! Something’s amiss out in the pasture. The beautiful dog is stirred up. Guess what happens there.

While Noomi is out banishing the husband brother from the farm… Ada goes missing ‘sagain… the dad is out looking around. Someone shoots him in the neck. What?? That’s a surprise! Huh?? Is it sinister yet?? A gun??

Well –

It’s a dude with a ram head that knows how to use a firearm. I guess he lives out in the mountains. I guess he got horny one winter night and came on down the mountain and busted a nut. I guess he’s pissed and somehow knows that someone shot his girlfriend (?) and took his baby. Off he goes with the seed of his loins.

FILED UNDER: W

Wait, what? I’m ALL for other cultures and their lore and mythology – I usually LOVE archaic shit like that! The stranger to me, the better. But, what happened here? Aside from the shit I’ve taught myself about the mishandling of things by the church, the only real ‘hand me down’ is what my old gramma used to tell me about how ‘groundhog day’ really came about because when we used to live in the hills, we hoped it would stay winter for a while longer so the fucking snakes wouldn’t come out and eat our rabbits. But I don’t get this one. Is there a cautionary tale up there that goes “Don’t fuck with the goatman’s shit or he’ll come back and get it. And don’t leave a rifle lying around.”

I’m sure, as always, that I’m wrong about a bunch here and that doesn’t bother me but – again – has anyone else seen this?

FILED UNDER; THEY ALMOST MADE IT TO THE HAPPY ENDING (I GUESS?)