the babysitter (1969)

So, here in the THE BOOBS THAT TIME FORGOT division of Film Miasma, we’ve covered Stepmothers, Sisters in Law, Teachers, Best Friends and even girls turning into Bees. Oh! And Burt Lancasters’ boobs! Anyway – here we have one of those Time Immortal tales about the old dude who wants to make it with the hot, young and skinny teenager. I wouldn’t get this one totally confused with the Alicia Silverstone version of this same story even though the actual story is a million times better (written by Robert Coover) but, if you’re in the mood for it, this one has a load of black and white skin, gangs and —– haircuts as torture! And bridge playing! I guess by ‘black and white skin’ I should clarify that I was surprised there was as much nudity in this old black and white movie as there was.

You know – I’ve never read or even really seen any sort of adaption of ‘Lolita’ but I think I know what it / they are about. I think this is the same thing except with dope and blackmail. And bridge. And hippie bongo music. And shaky shaky butts. Dobie Gillis would be so proud. And, I’m guessing, so was this guy, the male star of the show who got to make lots of kissy kissy with blond babysitter. Kissy kissy I say.

Our man, George, is an assistant district attorney. If you’re not in The States, that’s one of those really high up there types of lawyers who really get after drug fiends and thugs and hookers and kidnappers and riff-raff shit like that. Well, in this movie, he wants to do away with fucking hippies who ride around on motorcycles and smoke dope and eat tacos and listen to bongo rock music and probably like high hat drums for fuck’s sake. One night, as all middle aged couples in the United States like to do, they want to head off to their neighbor’s house for a nice round of Bridge and martinis and talking in that weird English accent East Coast Americans used to have in all movies back then. But, back on topic, they’ve got that daughter of theirs who’s certainly old enough to be on her own for a night but anyway they get the local gal to give her a good babysitting.

Later, as George is taking her home, insinuations are made, thighs are looked at, glances are shared and invitations to come on back are – well – invited. While not explicitly shown, soon enough, erections are made, fluids are shared, girls make it with other girls, dope is smoked, pictures are taken and – WOAH FUCK – hair is cut as a means of intimidating people. I tried to PG this next picture up so we’re not too smutty here today.

(That’s not a tarantula on her arm)

Up to this point, this is where we’re at: George is having an affair with the babysitter because his wife won’t make it with him anymore while the babysitter is running around smooching and caressing George’s daughter so the dope gang can bribe him. Before too long, a ton of glossy pictures of girl on girl smooching and making it are sent to George’s boss! Shit! “Stop prosecuting our man!” say the blackmailers! “I can’t let this get to my wife! She’ll croak!” says George! “I’m going to keep these pictures for you. They make my balls itch!” says George’s boss, fondling his plums. “I can’t let this be on my conscience!” moans George, his three day erection drooping. “I guess we do play too much bridge” admits his wife later.

What can we take from this today, Beloved Readers? Here are some discussion questions you can take back to your Film Miasma Movie Club groups:

Never ogle a teenager’s thigh?
Leave your ‘of age’ daughter alone to watch TV programs and not lure her into temptation?
All hippies and their great grandson hipsters are just bad fucking news?
If someone’s not playing ball, just give their hair a good whacking with your switchblade?
Will the guy who played George stop using movies to get with younger women and never make a second movie called Weekend With the Babysitter?
Should older married couples never play Bridge? Or, if they do, should they just have a “Key Party” while they’re at it?
After this look into their lives, do you think George and (his wife) Edith will start balling again like they used to?
Earlier in the film, George suggest everyone should eat a taco at some point in their lives. Do you think what you might think he meant or do you think he was talking about the emergence of fast food tacos from the likes of Taco Bell?
Speaking of tacos, did Film Miasma’s friend get a job a Taco Mayo once and get fired for being drunk on the job and saying “Welcome to Taco Mayo, what do you want on your fucking tacos?” into the drive through intercom?
Speaking of Taco Mayo, I once lived in an apartment about three blocks from one. My old roommate and I used to get really loaded and walk over there to get drunk dinner. One time I ate twenty four tacos in one sitting (for real). Do you think you could do that?
Lastly – do these pictures make your balls itchy:

FILED UNDER: THE BOOBS THAT TIME FORGOT

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