This one kind of came with “The Night Evelyn Came Out Of The Grave” because of the director and you can probably follow the Amazon Algorithm trail of wetness because this has Sybil Danning in it too (I don’t know if I’ll have posted Howling 2 since I shuffle shit round a lot) (due to my extreme laziness) (and that persistent and lingering, painful smell of my writing) (and my war against commas) but hey! Giallo time again! Whoo hah! Naked Italians! Naked Germans! Stylish chic! Rotary phones! Smoking inside! Scotch! Masks! Fiats! Screaming little children that will freak you me the fuck out! Insane asylums! Wills! rats! Wheelchairs! Ghosts! Sybil Danning! Lust and a lot of infidelity! Yep – it’s all there – but is it any good? Is it entertaining? I just read a book and in it the author lets us know that “Napoleon’s Balls would be worth a fortune right now”. Did she mean his preserved testicles or the artillery for his old war cannon? Only I know (maybe) (I figure the people who read her book do but not the Beloved Reader who looks here) (I’ll give you 1.5 Million Film Miasma Bonus Points ^TM if you know what I’m talking about) (redeemable only at a non ecclesiastical gathering to study Sound Complexes in, say, any of the large stone circles around the globe) as far as I can tell but I thought I’d thought I’d toss that in the mix.

So wait – is it any good? Sure – it’s seems to be a solidly made film but…. I didn’t love it the most. It felt like, even for Giullo – there were way too many characters coming and going – and they all looked alike so, being the dummy that I am, it was a little confusing a little occasionally. Here’s two of our leads, one of which got introduced late:

Plus it was that lovely 1972 analog so everyone sounded the exact same. AAAAnnndd all the guys had handsome moustaches. You know what I mean, right? You remember the early 70s, right? It’s not just me? Right??

So – it was kind of confusing but I’m a fucking solid professional so I pressed on. What happened here? Let’s see: an old castle √ two creepy fucking kids running around screaming their brains out √ death √ a curse √ a painting √ a bunch of blonds √ murder √ boobs √ more murder √ striped wallpaper √ corpses rising to kill you from beyond the grave √√√ – so we’re covered! What else… Barbara Bouchet! *Whistle whistle* Man she’s pretty.

Please note: I am not whistling at her because I know you can’t do that any more, nor was I ever a whistler at anybody. I know catcalling or fanciful, seductive lip noises were popular in the past and represented on old TV that I used to watch but we don’t do that here. I was just trying to imply, in my brain and out here I guess that I thought this lady was really pretty. Maybe I shouldn’t have said that and I apologize. How can you compliment a lady these days? Let’s do some lazy research.

“The insula is a portion of the cerebral cortex folded deep within an area between the temporal lobe and the frontal lobe, while the striatum is located nearby, inside the forebrain. Love and sexual desire activate different areas of the striatum”

“Dopamine, produced by the hypothalamus, is a particularly well-publicized player in the brain’s reward pathway – it’s released when we do things that feel good to us. In this case, these things include spending time with loved ones and having sex. High levels of dopamine and a related hormone, norepinephrine, are released during attraction.”

Bouchet:

Well fuck, you probably can’t use a picture like that any longer either.

Bouchet:

So…

“Hello, female. Although I do not intend or wish to use my genitals to reproduce with you, the portion of my brain that desires, naturally, to replicate the species, is producing dopamine at an accelerated level which is leading me to conclude that you appear to be an attractive candidate for my sperm deposits, although I am not looking to pursue that endeavor.”

Would that be a nice thing to say to someone?

Think that’s what this guy was thinking when he was hatching a plan with Danning? I mean, probably, of course, but do you think that’s what he said as he wistfully looks off camera? SPOILER: he didn’t and when he turned around Danning was nude and ready for some of those reproduction activities. Since I’m a guy and we don’t talk about things we’re not supposed to, I won’t say anything about what her genitals might have been up to at the time or what he might have intended to include himself with those pieces of her anatomy that are intended to distribute natural milks to her offspring.

I don’t know – this movie wasn’t fantastic and that was disappointing but you can’t strike gold all of the time, right?

Here’s this as a parting shot:

And, for whatever it’s worth, this was a million times better than Red Riding 1974.

FILED UNDER: GIALLORAMA