In my life I have never claimed to be quick at anything – I’m slow and deliberate and take my time to decide what to do and what the consequences will be because I don’t want to get yelled at and would rather do it right the first time than sit around on constant conference calls deciding what went wrong and all of that shit for eternity. That being said, I’ve thought about this movie for a number of days and still can’t quite decide what I thought about it so I don’t know what the consequences of this post will be. Public shame? Ridicule? Have you brought lettuce to my site today and plan to throw some heads at me? I’ve always wondered about that – who brought lettuce to plays and such back in the old days? Wasn’t money scarce? Hi honey! Let’s go to the theater tonight for the big show! Bring our dinner!

“here’s your goddammed lettuce you fucking actors! Go eat it and shit your pants! Not everyone can digest lettuce, you know and I hope you’re one of them! Stink!” Have you ever been to a play? They actually have a “theater circuit” here where I live and years ago I went to a couple and they weren’t my favorite way to spend time. When I go to see a movie in the theater I sneak into the back like a cockroach and hope to fucking god no one sits by me because: IF THERE’S ONLY TEN PEOPLE IN THE THEATER DON’T SIT BY ME ASSHOLE.” (Some friends and I actually ran a blog titled that a while back) (I miss it!).

But, Darling – let’s see here –

I have a twitter account but don’t look at it very often because I only follow around 20 people and not that much exciting every happens, plus I barely ever tweet anything. One day Lucky McKee had something interesting to say about something and I replied “May is the best” and he gave it a like so my brains went something like: May –> Angela Bettis –>May –> Jigsaw Girl –> Toadies –> I Burn –> Charms and Dolls –> Witches –> (for some reason) that red witch lady from game of thrones –> Davos –> Lets Us Prey –> Polyanna Macintosh –> The Woman (Lucky McKee) –> the daughter character who’s either knocked up from her dad or her brother from The Woman –> Jug Face –> Darling. And here we are.

The lead in this is fucking fantastic. I don’t know if I’ve ever seen a better “face actor”. She’s got the wide eyes and the perfect mouth acting abilities. Sean Young is in this for about five minutes as is Larry Needanorthodontist Fessenden. But is it any good? I didn’t particularly like it. The first time I saw this way back when I was trapped on an airplane so I was a captive and didn’t have any options but to keep at it and keep my kind off of crashing to my death because fear is unkind and so is turbulence and so is being stuck in a seat like that when you’re 6’4″ and maybe you just ate lunch and two or three draft beers at the airport seafood place and had a blackened halibut and you’re really fucking gassy and need to fart constantly but you can’t get up ever because of the seatbelt sign and everything is miserable as fuck.

Filmed in black and white – the visuals are pretty good although you will have to deal with a bunch of strobe light popping. Is this the 60s? Is this someone making art?* There’s even a warning before the credits about the flashing lights – I guess so you’re prepared in case you’re afraid you might have a seizure. I didn’t really see the point in all of that visual noise but OK. About 2/3 of the way into this something really fucking gross goes on – so gnarly I had to turn my head – but it’s shown in these .2 second artful fucking shots so that you might be OK with it. I’m surprised they got away with that based on what appears to be a pretty small budget. But good fucking job, practical effects team!

This movie reminds me of some sort of cross between REPULSION, ROSEMARY’S BABY and LORDS OF SALEM – although I only really liked the last one of those and this thing doesn’t have much of a payoff. I was also kind of pissed that they never showed what’s behind the door. As well, I don’t know what time frame this was set in – I figured it was modern but this one guy’s driver’s license expires in 1971 so maybe that 60s guess is valid. Or flaccid.

I think the thing I liked most about this was the mid-end credits scene where they are introducing the new girl – yay. And by using that ‘liked most’ clause we should all be sure that this didn’t do a lot for me. It’s better than a lot of things though, to be sure. It’s better than 1972 YELLOW HOUSE and GUT and MAD COWGIRL and PENETRATION ANGST but that might not be saying a lot. Come to think of it, it might also be better than BIRDMAN seeing as how I absolutely fucking hated that movie. Well, maybe ‘Angst’ wasn’t toooooooooo bad.

FILED UNDER: AT LEAST THEY TRIED

*Did anyone notice my asterisk above? I’m thinking no. But that’s OK! Speaking of art, by now have I posted my review of The Minus Man? Probably because I don’t have as much time to write as I did the last couple of months. Well, The Minus Man sucked it big time but it reminded me of Bottle Rocket. So – Wes Anderson. I haven’t really cared for Anderson’s shit in a long time ago but a few years or so or whenever I thought The Grand Budapest Hotel was pretty funny and I stand behind it. Anyway, the other night Mrs Film Miasma and I were looking for something to watch and we watched the trailer for French Dispatch and it looked awful to me. It looked like something I would just fucking hate and throw my fucking lettuce and tomatoes and goat livers and even that can of pork brains my friend got me 25 years ago. *

*You see, one night I got thrown in jail for doing something I wasn’t supposed to. I made a call to my friend like you’re allowed but those people at the jail aren’t in any fucking hurry to ever let you go. So I stayed there and stayed and stayed there scared out of my fucking head and eventually they let me out. Granted it was only 24 hours or so but it was the county lockup and not some poshy joint where you had your own place to shit and sleep or anything. So people were shitting in the contraption that was the toilet and the water fountain and they kept putting more and more people in there and it was easily the worst time I’d ever had in my life. Eventually they let me out and I’m sure I stunk but it was daylight and no homeless people shitting and when I got in my friend’s car his wife gave me a sack with a can of pork brains and a harmonica in it. *

*I still have them both as a reminder of my shame