Recently I was writing about something, The Howling if you keep track, and started thinking about Jenny Agutter which got me thinking about this and that and other things and then this movie. When I started this new blog I vowed never to run any contests or set deadlines for myself and then, internally, to never try and talk about my favorite movies again because I suck at it but my movie watchin’ time is awful limited these days so why not, right? I think that the Beautiful Readers that come here must forgive me twice once a week anyway for my Public Shame so what’s another go at it? I watched this all the time when I was a kid and not just to see Farrah Fawcett’s skimpy skimpy outfit (but I bet that’s why my dad allowed it) but it also had robots and zip zap lasers and Farrah Fawcett mostly naked. Zip zap said my hormones. Zip zap. So here we are again and I’m an old man and this movie is almost as old as me and, we’ll, let’s put our unisex dresses on and float around a little shall we?

I think it goes without saying that we are currently alive and that someday in the future we will be deceased. So we all live our lives like we do and believe in what we believe in and make the world a better place by writing about movies and such and I encourage free thought and try not to take myself too seriously and to each their own and all of that and you believe in what you believe in and great! Nice to meet you! Please don’t touch my thigh or offer me any used chewing tobacco.

And, well, a few years ago Ryan Gosling and his buddies were going to redo this one and, ahem, as nostalgic and rooted in the past that I like to be because I’m old and YOU KIDS GET OFF MY LAWN-y, this could probably use an update. There’s a lot to be said about high res other people besides Michael York. But hey. Ok ok. It’s, you know, good in that old times pew pew pew laser gun way. Mm hmmm mmmm hmmm. Just saying. I’m not trying to upset any Logan’s Run purists, just saying is all. Be open to new things.

So here’s the deal, just for the Official Record:

So the year is 2274 and we the people have destroyed the Earth and everyone who still lives resides in a giant city housed underneath a bunch of giant, fake looking domes. Not only did everyone appear to be Caucasian they also all wear spiffy flowing pastel gowns and tights, have a Life Clock planted in the palm of their hand and they are all killed at the age of thirty by participating in a ritual called Carouse). When their little gem thingy in their hand starts to flicker on and off, this means they are going to expire soon but they might make it to a new life through Carousel (but no one ever does). Yes – they all get their robes on and put on freaky masks and then fly around in the air until they end up exploding in some pretty fake F/X.

If you decide not to voluntary be killed, see, you have the option to “Run” for your life but there’s a group of folks who wear outfits like that one above called Sandmen who will track you down and kill the shit out of you and your corpse will be burned to mush by acid. That stoic looking gentleman there is Logan 5, see). Him and his buddy Francis are a couple of 23rd century studs who like the ladies braless and like chasing down and killing Runners even more. Sweet, sweet action. Well, one night Logan 5 is in the mood for some of his own sweet, sweet action so he dials up a sex worker via some sort of fancy futuristic tube in the wall and gets a dude. He seems to consider that for a good minute and then presses a button and gets the lovely Jenny Agutter who is the one and only Jessica 6. Yum. Hormones activate.

and, yep, that’s the outfit she comes arranged in, so no worries there, kid. Turns out she doesn’t want to do it with a fucking SANDMAN!! you sorry bastards!! so she storms out and Francis comes in with a couple of floozies and I assume they get their party on and leave DNA all over the walls and ceiling. “My dong oooh ooh!” Splurt. Here comes Mr Jizzbutt!

The next day the two cops report to work which is, of course, a giant computer with a sensual female voice and Logan 5 is given an unusual assignment: his Life Clock is going to be set to “dead-time” and he is going to become a Runner, leave the city, go outside and infiltrate the Sanctuary where 1000 and something uncaptured escapees appear to be holed up and enjoying their freedom, which is not something anyone is allowed to do, I guess. Apparently the computer knows that the Ankh is a symbol for the Sanctuary and since cutie Jessica 6 wears one around her neck, he knows she’s his “in”.

He tries to get her to take him to sanctuary but she is wary of this fucking SANDMAN!! but he persuades her to go out on one of his calls to capture some poor woman and YES! he lets her go so everyone can trust him now! Too bad for that poor woman, Francis is right behind him following his every move so he shoots her with his zap gun and she’s off to the next life. Now that Logan 5 is seemingly “in with the enemy” he decides to go off and get a new face at the NU U (or something like that).

There, he runs into none other than a very young Farrah Fawcett as a receptionist and he enters the booth to get his new face but the Doctor has been ordered to kill him!! Lasers go off all over the place!! There’s a struggle!! The Doctor is killed!! Farrah divorces Lee Majors!!

How’d that sneak in there?? Creeper! Logan 5’s tit has been lasered! Well – they high tail it out of there with Francis right behind them and the chase is on! First they run through a very weird SLO-MO sex party (or something) and I don’t know how this was PG because there’s a lot of boobs here and even a couple of schlongs, but they make their way out and head down into the tunnels below the city. Francis, hot on their heels, shoots at them constantly but they jump into some water and swim their way to safety! Safety in the form of some sort of ice cave where they both strip off their wet clothes, put on some fancy bear skins and run into this machine called Box who wants to freeze them in ice (ha ha Boxx).

A long time I reviewed a movie called Sugar Boxx and that was met with some Stranger comments about one of actress in that movie’s specific private parts.

I honestly just watched this the other day and I don’t remember how they outsmarted Boxx but they destroy him and get away and head outside where they encounter The Sun for the first fucking time and neither of them know what it is, but “it’s warm” and they like it. As they travel further in their wet rags they pick their way through some trees and stumble on some rocks and Jessica 6 screams”I HATE OUTSIDE!! OUTSIDE HURTS!!” [omits comments about boxes and outside warmth pleasures] [omits comments regarding poison ivy and boxes] [omits comments about zip zap pew pew penises, boxes and biting spiders]

As they press on, absorbing Vitamin D for the first time, they happen to look at their hands and – wouldn’t you know it? their Life Clock gems are clear and they’re not going to die after all and living in that dome is all bullshit!! The first they do after this epiphany is jump naked off of a cliff and do some skinny dipping and some implied – uh – wedding night activities – and then do some more walking in search of food. Soon they come across what they don’t know is The Mall at Washington D.C. and it’s all covered with ivy or kudzu or something like that and they take a look at the Lincoln Monument and they don’t know what this person is and figure that that’s what it looks like if people get old. Dismissing this in wonderment and awe, they head into the U.S. Senate Chambers and encounter a very old Peter Ustinov and his thirty something cats.

Of course they don’t understand this dithering old man or the words coming out of his mouth or probably even what a cat is [omits – never mind] but they really like him and touch his wrinkles and decide they love him. All of that happiness comes to a quick end when mean old Francis busts in and threatens to kill everyone. He and Logan 5 have a nice fist fight and Logan eventually gets the upper hand and kills him after everything they’ve fucking been through… poor bastard. This makes Logan 5 realize they can’t live in this vine infested piece of shit city so they decide to head back to the domes, with Old Man in tow and convince everyone that Carousel is real bullshit and they can live a long life and “dont have to fly around like dipshits waiting to get fucking murdered and instead they can fucking ball all they want for as long as they want and get their genital juices all over the place if they damn well fucking please, those mother fuckers. Eat shit and burn in hell you’re probably all communists.” (Sic)

Eventually they do make it back and scream at everyone that Carousel is a goddammed fucking lie but no one listens and they get arrested and get thrown in some sort of cage and the sultry computer voice that wants to blow you, you horny kid, tries to coerce information out of Logan 5 through some sort of screen altering imagery but he’s too balls out strong as fuck and he blows up the computer with his willpower!! And everything goes prison shithouse crazy and then everything blows up and concrete rafters fall on people and they don’t get hurt and everyone forgets to floss and. Wait. Enough of that – with everything crumbling down around them, everyone heads outside but it’s really just a set and then they see the old man and his pubic lice infested beard and they can’t believe it and Jessica 6 and Logan 5 hug. The end!

I guess what we need here after all of those words and sentences and poorly used commas is some sort of moral? Don’t bang out in the sand? Never leave The Dome to jizz all over the place? No one can be trusted? Ankhs are for people too? Michael York is still laughing at us from beyond the grave? Is he actually still alive with us? Will I ever shut up? Let’s get together and smoke a couple of bongs and talk about it.

FILED UNDER: RETROSPECTIVES (WITH A SUB-CATEGORY OF: WE COULD ALL USE LESS MICHAEL YORK)

Because I had to, because I looked at this every day when I pooped for years:

And, because I’m fair: