I suppose it’s obligatory to post this blurb – I don’t know that much about this franchise. Really. I don’t remember how or when I saw the first one but I was a little kid and it scared the shit out of me – really, I might have shit myself that night. The guy dancing around with the chainsaw kind of fucked me up a little. I want to say it was at my grandma’s house back when HBO first came out (the hippie grandma, not the catholic one). I had to sleep on her couch when I spent the night over there on the weekends – which was fine – and this might have been on and i wanted to see some boobies because I did and this rottened my insides. I remember pissing my pants on that couch one night (old memories!) but I don’t remember why so we’ll blame this. I know it’s not the same thing to come out of my body as dirty, foul solid waste byproduct but, we’ll pretend. For Posterity.

Over the years I never really wanted to watch any other of this guy’s hijinks and face wearing adventures because of that seed of being a scared wuss so I never really did. I watched the one with Jessica Biel because: Jessica Biel in a horror movie but nothing there really panned out if you know what I mean and I watched the one with Alexandra Daddario because: isn’t the the girl from True Detective who got a, well, you might know. Hey I also watched the one where that lady plopped out a baby while she was working a – sewing machine maybe? – and the boss wouldn’t let her have time off to go to the head so someone picked up the greasy baby and threw it in the dumpster. I think Full Metal Jacket “Hey Gomer Fucking Pyle” was in that one but I didn’t really like any of those either. Even if, say I was single, Alexandra Daddario could Daddario my Alexandra any time but that’s about it.

Of the blogs I read most people thought this sucked some ass ( O _ o ) and my friend Blogferatu said it didn’t suck and I’d been watching the Howling movies on IMDBTV so they are all in 480P on a big tv so they look like dirty smears everywhere and all of that so here I went and –

Everyone’s written “you’re gonna hate the leads” well, i sure fucking did but it’s not really because they’re the grandchildren of Millennial fuckfaces and I’ll try and remember to come back to that. Aside from the fact that I wanted to cut off most of their faces and wear them around town, I was trying to be open minded and appreciate the HD and the small town and hey the Borg Queen popped up.

I have the two pictures (above and below) out of order but they kind of happen within a few minutes of each other so EXCUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUSE me but I actually really liked that whole sequence out in the sunflower field

So what, asshole? Why do you continue writing like some sort of dick? Because I must! Maybe someday someone will come around and be proud of me for my writing prowess and smooth style other than just my Romanesque good looks, tight waistline and lithe body (none of which are true). But – hey – maybe someone will feel the same way so let’s just get fucking on with it.

Here’s one of the things I didn’t like which made me sour on this thing, early:

The concept is that some bag of puke youths are buying this run down town in Texas to – I guess – gentrify it and make some money. I don’t even believe that for one goddammed second. I don’t see how it’s conceivably believable that these bags of puke would pick some small town like this in the middle (or panhandle) (or outskirts whatever) of Texas to [ump all of their Millennial family’s money into it. Another thing – it’s not a ‘ghost town’ which would make it up for sale. My dad is from a small town that is now classified as a ‘ghost town’ and one day we looked into buying it and, without any people, businesses or real property – AND being full of rattlesnakes – it was millions of dollars. Driving through it to a funeral a few years ago there’s really just some old horse stable left and – jeez – maybe an old feed store? I could probably go on further but I want to write about something else since I’m actually on a keyboard for the night so – NO WAY these rich puking bags would just pick this shithole out in the hot plains to buy and spruce up. Plus, it’s got residents in it. A couple of which are probably 80 and living at the orphanage. Which has electricity. Which means there’s some sort of electricity generating power cooperative in the vicinity.

Another thing – since I haven’t been following along all these years, I don’t think they ever made Leatherface one of those immortal hulking monsters like Jason or Michael Myers (my favorite!) so, if the first one took place when I was a kid and this is a direct sequel and he’s just been sitting around in some old building with the Borg Queen for 50 years, wouldn’t he be almost 80 or so? (Trust me, while I like the new Halloweens, the logic still fails me). There’s this one bit where he breaks this guy’s arm off (which was nice and horror-y) but, boy he’d sure have to have a strong forearm to pull that off. OK. But OK.

Here’s my biggest problem though. After he survives the ambulance wreck and cuts his ‘mom”s face off and puts it on, he heads back to town, goes back to his room to be sad – which is normal – and then decides to get after those folks ruining his town with their partying and getting on. I know – horror movie blah blah blah – but but when we do the big money shot of him retrieving his weapon of choice – it’s buried in a wall that, despite existing in the run down ol’ orphanage – the wall itself is expertly plastered, smoothed over and looks like some professional fixed it up. That really bothered me. Not to mention that it’s got 50 year old gasoline in it and it’s ready to pop. That machine probably runs on two cycle so – thinking about its age – that mixture is probably a huge fire hazard by now.

So it’s nicely buried in a wall and fully operational and our man is as strong as Hercules after all these years. OK. Sure. I guess so. Harkening back to the original – I don’t get why they had to bring that character back. SPOILER –> for no reason but to die a gruesome death and to literally get thrown around a little bit even into a pile of trash, I think. Go fuck yourself, lady, I guess. I mean: she basically had a shotgun to his face and took some overly dramatic time to show him a 50 year old faded picture of her and her bros and asked “you remember me, cunt, huh huh??” when she could have just blown his fucking head off right there and exacted her five decade old grudge but no. At least it was HD…

I suppose for all of my Gen Z or Gen Alpha dicking, I guess I did like this character:

Why she had to be the survivor of a school shooting didn’t really mean much to me or make much sense but I guess I’m not the target market being someone old enough to have watched the original even though I guess I barely did. At least she picked up a gun once with the intent of blowing the guy-who’s- murdering-everyone to fucking hell but she doesn’t know how to use it so… I guess that’s realistic? I did think the ending sequence in the car was pretty cool though. I’m glad this one character: got her head cut off.

I like Fede Alvarez and I think his Evil Dead was the best one of all the movies and TV shows but this one wasn’t quite what I was looking for, really. But it was HD! I will say that the whole bit in the cornfield was pretty awesome and the “He’s… wearing… her… face…” crzzaacck “I said… he’s wearing… her face…” was A+ work. I don’t give out awards and no one cares but I’ll give that part 15 million Film Miasma points for pulling that off when I wasn’t expecting it.

FILED UNDER: AT LEAST THEY TRIED