While I normally spend a few days writing, spellchecking and adding commas to my shitty intros to my crappy posts, I HAVE to get this out of the way now, before I forget I found it or before I forget where I was going with my brains. Here:

OK – that’s over with. Now I feel like we can do what we want. What we must. We do what we must. And we must show that horrible thing above.

Moving on – a while ago I wrote about the new one of these that Netflix put out and I thought that it didn’t suck like I think most people thought it did but it wasn’t my favorite or anything AND that I thought I’d seen the other movies out of this bunch here or there during my adventures but didn’t remember anything too significantly profound or great about them other than the first one back in the 70s literally scared the shit out of me when I was a child sitting on my grandma’s couch. I’m sure I’ve mentioned it before because I have a beer or two and run my mouth like I shouldn’t but I have to have surgery on my foot before too long (NOTE: I had surgery almost a month ago) and I can’t do anything on the weekends except lie the fuck around with my foot elevated so while all of my friends were out in the pool the other day I watched this on Netflix because it seemed reasonable enough and I didn’t have to read subtitles with my shitty eyes so here we are.

I honestly thought this movie was terrible, quite literally from start to finish and, while I’m no student of the franchise or legacy fan of the first, this remake script was total shit and the director stunk it up and however they thought it was OK to just change up the story from the first time around seems to escape me but ok. Let’s examine how this starts.

These sweaty, horny twenty somethings are driving a van through Texas, on their way back from Mexico with 20 pounds of weed in a pinata. Lose – you would need a lot more room than that. Eric Balfour of all fucking people is driving the van and he decides to smooch his super-in-shape girlfriend Jessica Biel and they almost run down this lady walking down the dirty and dusty road in the middle of some field. “What the heck, you almost nailed her, you skunk!” says Biel, showing us all her tight stomach. “Dude let’s give her a lift,” retorts the not-getting-any-weed-smoker from the back of the van. “OK,” concludes Balfour.

And… wouldn’t you just know it… but the fates have come together to take their tolls on these travellers because as soon as she sits down in the back of the van, not earlier, but just then, she decides to pull a low caliber revolver out of her – uh – hoo hoo and shoot her brains out. Not only does this small pistol almost blow her head clean off, it also, somehow, makes her blood explode backwards all over the dashboard, the bobbly head thing stuck to it and Biel’s finely toned cheek. You lose.

“We have to tell the police!” screams someone. “No way! What about our pot!!” screams someone else. “Not on my watch!” concludes Balfour throwing a twenty pound object hundreds of feet into a field. Try that tonight when you get home from work. “Well poop,” summarizes Biel, getting her sweaty torso out into the sun.

What happens next? They wheel up to a “BBQ” joint in the middle of fucking nowhere that sells whole, dead pigs in a refrigerated case, naturally worked by an old lady who smokes and gives evil eyes in the name of the lord and probably eats people and somehow gave birth to some sort of giant person that likes to run around revving small engine tools. Maybe, I guess we’ll never know for sure since they cut her up right there on the fucking spot and stuff her inside the pig so some weary traveler hopped up on meth or no-doz, travelling down the Texas Intrastate can stop at the only food place in 300 fucking miles and buy some pulled pork, I guess.

“Yum yum” says the highwayman, setting down his Texas Toast BBQ sandwich on the vinyl passenger side of his old sedan. “God damn that really hits the spot,” he murmurs, popping some more uppers. “Where did that sandwich come from?” you ask, “since they carved up the old lady working the counter like the fucking rebellious 70s youth they are, sticking up The Establishment’s asshole??”

“Did it come from the old lady’s kin? Did it come from her offspring that occurred after some man put semen in her, pollenating her eggs? Did someone from the abandoned and shitty meat packing plant down the street come over and pull some pork, even though the meat packing plant isn’t actually abandoned since it’s full of livestock and has electricity but no one lives anywhere around it for hundreds of miles? (I think)”

In response, as I try to gallop on with this post, I say, I don’t know but there’s lots of this:

For real, let’s forget that one of the guys from The Ruins is in this or the guy who yelled “Gomer Fucking Pyle!!” and his unbelievably long eyebrows are here, or even that kid from the Ring movies but let’s act like movie producers, ignore that pitiful script and focus on that rack.

You know, honestly, I’ve tried four different times to put a picture of Ermey and his long eyebrows right her and WordPress keeps rejecting it so fuck it. Here’s the kid from the Ring:

Here’s some grassland:

But let’s go back to our main Leatherface. Again, I don’t know that much about him. I thought in the original he was just some dude, modelled after Gein (maybe?) that wore people’s faces? I could be VERY wrong there so don’t yell at me. I really haven’t followed him that much. But – here – he takes off his ‘face’ – is that common? That seems like some sort of “TCM Heresy” or something. In it, he’s just kind of gross looking with a missing nose. Is that the deal? I don’t care, really, I’d like to be entertained and this didn’t do it. PLUS – that pic at the beginning of this thing??? That’s him with Balfour’s face on – it’s our first big money shot of our big bad. I really laughed out loud at that and it ruined anything that happened after that, so sorry movie, you lose.

I didn’t heart it BUT – since we’re fair here – let’s look at some of the good things so I’m not a total dick:

A) The camera lenses all seemed to be in focus.

FILED UNDER: CRAP