(the) howling (7): new moon rising (mystery woman) (1995)

Well – woah. Aside from my writing, it’s hard to imagine how bad something can come to be – especially this movie. I don’t really even know how to start this piece so let’s try and piece this puzzle together, shall we? This awful thing takes place in and around a bar and hotel in a place called Pioneer Town. I dare you to watch the movie because it is definitely two words in there and the credits but here’s something from Wikipedia:

Pioneertown, California, is an unincorporated community of the Morongo Basin region of San Bernardino’s High Desert. The historical town was originally incorporated in 1946 and fell into the hands of San Bernardino County in the late 1960s.

Oh! And to prove I’m not the laziest fucker around, here’s an artistic rendering:

That black arrow points to a place called “Pappy and Harriet’s” – that’s the bar I mentioned earlier. That little red circle to the west / left is where I used to live, kind of where the 5 meets the 405. To note: I’ve never been to Yucca Valley, but let’s move on. How did we come to be here, in this awful place where we are today?

Let’s take a look at what I can speak to since I’ve never been to Eastern Cal. When I was in my low 20s and liked tto frequent bars in the hopes of drinking beer and having fun, there were lots of local bands hanging around. I don’t know if they dreamed of getting big and making a lot of money or just making enough to eat and pay rent and get laid but, you could kind of follow them around the city if you really felt like it. The most popular group to ever come out of that shit is a band called The Flaming Lips who I’ve never actually liked.

Another type of the local scene that was less noisy and had far less trendy asshole and douchebags hanging around were folks like the Mike Hosty Trio, a band called Cross Canadian Ragweed that had one college radio friendly popular song and even smaller guys like The Red Dirt Rangers. I liked the smaller groups because: not so noisy, far less assholes and you didn’t have to run the risk of pissing your pants waiting in line for the one head at the bar. Such as it is, let’s close in on where we are – Pappy and Harriet’s in Yucca Valley.

I refuse to go look anything up about them or their place but I am going to bet pappy and Harriet opened a bar in this small town back in the 60s or 70s and sold some beer and then just stayed. Along the way some people rode in on donkeys and liked the beer and whatever Pappy played on his guitar and also stayed. Etc Etc the guy who made this movie heard about it, rode his hog up there and stayed. And made this terrible movie using the people who lived and worked and drank beer and danced and sang along to Pappy’s songs and not one single other type of professional from the movie industry.

The guy in the forefront there is the writer, director, producer, editor, accountant and whatelsenot and the ‘star of the show’. Strangely, he’s also the same character from Howling 5 that was killed off in the snowy castle but here, in flashback, had just never been seen again, until now. And despite a script full of terrible sleights of hand, he’s just looking for a place to live.

Within this film, you’ll see, I don’t really know how to put it but, strange line dancing scenes shot in an unlit room to no music (note – sceneS), multiple stage numbers, campfire songs, chili turned fart turned stink and aerosol spray, multiple George Jones one liners, a character from Howling 4, two-stepping, a jeep, and the worst werewolf transformation shot ever. HEY LOOK! God bless whoever did these. God bless them.

Imagine that line dance bit going on for a couple of minutes, at least twice. For no reason. And – for spoilers – that part where the girl who turns into the werewolf, she’s actually the spirit of the werewolf from number 4 who possessed the cute girl I liked from number 5 who was at the carnival show in number 6 even though she’s only seen in an old newspaper clipping but now the spirit has possessed this woman who works the fryer at Pappy’s who coincidentally lives in the town where the Australian guy from number 5 just wants to find a place to live and line dance. And fall in love and get laid I guess. There’s something in there about some lady he likes whose husband died or something but it doesn’t have anything at all to do with the plot.

Here’s a picture of Pappy. I don’t think that’s Harriet but I could be wrong. I don’t want to come across as a complete asshole but a lot of the locals they used for this were kind of the same looking.

Did I cover everything? I think I did. I thought this movie was really awful and not even worth the challenge of watching a 1.8 IMDB movie. Before the fart jokes, there’s this bit about how Pappy cooks his chili in a hole in the ground. That’s not entirely crazy based on where you live – there’s this place here down by old downtown where they make green chili stew in a hole in the ground and IT’S THE BEST FUCKING STEW EVER but i think they do it out back in an enclosed kitchen area. In this one, Pappy just makes it out by the parking lot and they spend several minutes and one liners making jokes that there’s dirt in his stew. Then some guy eats a bowl of it and farts all over the place.

This one really was a bad one. And what’s wrong with that poster art? Jesus. That should do it for my coverage of these Howling movies. I know there’s another one they made back when they were remaking Halloween and Friday the 13th but I’d have to rent it and I think 7 is enough here, I think I’ve done my due diligence. This ‘doing all of them’ was a lot more fun with the Slumber Party and Friday the 13th but these were mostly shit.

FILED UNDER: WEREWOLVES AND SHIT

Oh and:

6 thoughts on “(the) howling (7): new moon rising (mystery woman) (1995)

      1. Lem

        Can’t say I had the stew, but burgers, beers, whiskey all good. Also… can’t say that I two-stepped maybe pogo-ed a bit… Hope you are well!

        Like

      2. I have to come out and say that the randomness of you visiting on this poor post of this even poorer movie is incredible and I love it! We have to catch up sometime. One way or another! #eldiablo

        Like

  1. Tom

    Yeah, I’m kinda confused with that last pic you included. Is the title New Moon Rising or Mystery Woman? Or is that the joke? lol fuck they couldn’t even get the tech/app/device to agree on what the title is!!! I think I’ll just continue eating this brownie instead of watching this one.

    Liked by 1 person

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