Hey! Paranormal Activity 2! Hey hey! Hey look! The baby isn’t in the mirror in the movie poster! God damn! What’s going on there? Everything’s going apeshit! MM HMMM MMM HMMMM! Right? Maybe? I guess! Maybe we’ll get to the technical aspects of this in a few minutes. I’m having trouble typing this up since I’ve had my surgery and I’m now a monoped, the only place I can really work or sit around comfortably until i get my new mechanical foot is this card table in the living room – and it’s not too bad but I forgot to turn the overhead light on before I sat down here and I don’t have the will to stand up and turn it on right now so – i’m basically typing in the dark. “So what, you stupid fuck, wait til later!” you urge, pushing me to stop altogether. Well, maybe, I guess, but I do get restless and bored and just lying around all day on the weekends gets pretty boring so – i’ll keep on for a little bit because… it gives me something to do I suppose.

Let’s see what we’ve got here…

After that first one made SO MUCH MONEY, the Paramount Pictures Executive Board of Directors threw a celebratory party in their own honor, for one instance of saving Paramount’s ass and the other to cover up an illegitimate pregnancy as NAME REDACTED, his legendary testicles and explosive semen had finally purchased that seed so to speak and, after a long night of debriefing and preparing for depositions in Simi Valley, knocked up one of the Legal Team. Once he heard about this scandalous outbreak in his own office (!) he set his team of Fixers upon the two with, although unproven, the directions to steal off with the pregnant woman in the night and, it is rumored, strip her of her identity and, while he wasn’t some inhuman bastard, revive her as a Hollywood “paid” extra in some sort of Indiana Jones sequel.

Whether or not you or anyone else was following along in the tabloids back in 2010, NAME REDACTED caught wind of this, presumably over a lunch plate of lobster and rare filet, decidedly returned to his morals his father had raised him on, took the legal aide into his own family under the deception of a second-or-so cousin from Vacaville and secretly filmed the birth and first few years of life of his newest son they called Hunter.

But the most baffling thing to all manners of periodicals and publications is: just who exactly is this woman who, as people using the site Reddit determined to call “The Vessel”? We know, or we’re lead to believe, that she is / was a member of the Legal Team working as a third party supporting Paramount Pictures. But… was she??? In 2010, amateur internet sleuthing was just hitting its stride and, once that infamous photo was leaked, the notorious one with the hooded figure, internet users became obsessed trying to identify this person. Naturally, since no one was allowed in the crime scene, people spent countless hours going over the digital image, with the majority of time used to identify all of the semen deposits left at the scene of the Wrap Party Celebration:

Figure one:

Naturally, due to the success of the film and the orgiastic natures of Southern California, most fingers were pointed at Katie Featherston, especially once the rumors had started swirling and a photo from one of the film’s dailies was leaked.

Katie, left. Figure 2:

This publication really likes Featherston and can’t – I mean couldn’t – ever believe she could be indulging in extramarital, coital engagements but, as this writer’s brother in law puts it, “there she was, a California vegetable eating mother fucker catting around shitholes like Venice Fucking Beach and got knocked up!” I really was dismayed as far as someone like me can get dismayed over something like this with someone he has never and will never know but all of that worry and stress didn’t last two long once the internet detectives smelled something new in the wind and discovered all of the semen deposited on and around the swinging backyard of, yep, Oren Peli’s neighbor, none other than Jason Blum.

Figure Three: the rear of Blum’s residence, later identified as: “Orange County’s Best Bacchanal” by Sigma Sigma Rho Magazine (2008).

By all or at least most accounts, we have multiple unknown or at least unidentified people involved in this mystery, two up and coming Hollywood socialites-turned-producers and, gross if not, loads and loads of unused sperm splattered around various locations in the Los Angeles area. Aside from the movie executives who had chosen to remain silent, there were no real leads to carry on the investigation and everything went silent.

Until one day in late 2010 this photo showed up, published on one of those early “Creepiest Pictures You’ll Ever See On The Internet” channels on YouTube:

The only words that came with it, no one could really tell if they were a riddle or what, were these:

“I have a bird in my stomach. It tries to tear away my breath with its beak.”

TO BE CONTINUED???

??? ??? ????

FILED UNDER: A FILM MIASMA EXPOSE^TM