Here at File Miasma we’re always behind on the new things that come out – at lest when it comes to writing about them, not necessarily watching them, not that it makes much difference. By the time I get to them, they’re probably old news and no one cares and all of that shit so, yep. At some point in the past of when this posts and I’ve added things like commas, this thing popped up on Amazon and I was all “oh really” and “I don’t remember liking this the first time around” and “why did they remake this thing” and “Amazon?” and well, “hopefully it’s better than the new Orphan movie”. But, was it? Was it really? UUUhhhhhhhhh. I have to say that since I saw this the first time around, I knew what was happening so there weren’t any surprises to be had and, ok well, i guess so. Um. Sure.

As it goes this time: a dad drops a couple of kids off at this house in the wilderness and says “go on in, your mom’s mad at me.” They go in and are greeted by this lady with her face all masked up and she talks weird and they don’t think it’s their mom so – thrilling and suspenseful things follow. I guess. I think this movie was good looking and the two kids did NOT irritate the fuck out of me so there’s that but – this place is really about trying to determine if I was entertained and I wasn’t really. It felt like more of a chore and took me three sittings to get through but – again, I knew what was going on so I didn’t really care. I do like Naomi Watts so there’s that. And it was HD. So…. good job, right?

Now, because I believe in a sense of professionalism and dignity, I went through the four or five hours it took to remember how to log in to my old blog and reset passwords and all that shit, so, being the classy, upstanding citizen that I am, I can present to you my thoughts on the German original, grammar polyps and all:

One day, a number of years ago, I took the day off to have some fellows come over and clean out our chimney. When they got there, I moved from the couch to the kitchen and started watching a shit movie called Dead Girl which centers around a couple of high school punks who skip class one day and find a dead lady chained to a table in some bunker somewhere. Turns out she’s naked with a massively unshaven hoohaw, as well as among the living dead, so they do what we all do when faced with such a thing: they leave and come back bearing tubs of petroleum jelly which they slather all over their dongs and get to fucking. The zombie, not each other.

As soon as that business started I remembered that there were a couple of tradesmen in my house and they might not want to see or hear that, so I changed the channel and made a note in my head to not watch grisly horror movies when I have workers over because they might not want to see two youths pounding away at a living dead girl.

But I never made a note to not watch something like that when sitting next to a complete stranger on a three hour plane flight, squeezed together so tight we might as fucking well be co-joined twins…

This time around, on the way to New Jersey, the stinkhole of the east coast, I was sitting next to a plump woman whose enormous boobs jiggled every time we hit turbulence. I didn’t really mind that part too much but I really wasn’t sure what I had in store for myself since she was reading the new 50 Shades of Grey book and i didn’t want to be molested so I decided to turn on Goodnight Mommy and see what it was all about. I had heard good things about it, generally, and the trailer looked fucking creepy so I had some high hopes. This thing starts off VEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERY slow introducing us to two identical twins wearing undershirts walking around and throwing things at each other in their posh German? countryside estate. Then their mom comes home all bandaged up like a WW1 wounded soldier and they don’t recognize her.

It’s very easy for me to not pay attention to things and, while I had to read this movie, I was very uninterested in it and I figured out what was going on kind of early so my mind would wander and I thought of other things and maybe I just didn’t get it, but I didn’t love it. I can’t say that the movie isn’t well made but those two kids really fucking irritated me.

As it goes, these two kids don’t recognize their mother so they tie her up and superglue her mouth shut and cut into her stomach and there’s this one sequence where she has a chance to get out of it but she can’t scream loud enough and blah, blah, blah.

As far as an unease factor considering the stranger seeing something disturbing, nothing really dicey happens in here except this one shot where the mom strips off all her clothes except for her face bandages and goes prancing around in the woods kike some sort of 12th century fiddle playing gypsy. Oh, and she pisses herself. All in all, I wasn’t too impressed with the thing although it did look good.

How about that fantastic piece of writing?

Now that we’re all caught up, I don’t feel like either one really did anything for me honestly but they weren’t some sort of perverse atrocity so there’s that and I can move on with my life.

(BOTH) FILED UNDER: AT LEAST THEY TRIED