from the intern’s table: the culling (2015)

[PUBLISHER’S NOTE: WE’VE GIVEN OUR INTERN A TABLE. HE IS NOT ALLOWED TO EAT AT IT. HE IS NOT ALLOWED TO SLEEP AT IT. IT IS ONLY ALLOWED TO WORK. IT IS ALLOWED NO BREAKS AND IT IS NOT ALLOWED TO SMILE BUT IT HAS A CHANCE TO MAKE THE TEAM HERE.]

In this movie, five relatively good looking people, playing roles much younger than they actually are, are travelling throughh Texas to some rock festival. Along the way, they smoke some doobs and get the munchies so they stop at some diner in the middle of the night to get their jones on. It’s closed, for obvious reasons, but they stop anyway and, on their way out, they almost run over this cute little blond child. “I lost my mommy” she says so they blindly take her to her home in the middle of nowhere in the middle of the night like some sort of heroic rescuers from some sort of degenerate kidnapper.

Soon, her parents show up and put this kid who left her own home to bed and they all sit around and drink beer on the front lawn. Eventually it turns out the kid is the daughter of a demon which isn’t really a spoiler since it’s on the movie poster and the parents want to provide the comely young ladies’ wombs for more demon babies. At one point they actually show the demon and I think someone kills it by setting it on fire but by then I really couldn’t have given a shit that I don’t give a fuck and the CGI was so stupid looking you might just shit yourself out of amazement of how bad it can get.

FILED UNDER: CRAP

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